So much has happened to me in the past two years, like no one gets it or atleast that's how I feel. I can't even talk to my friends about it cuz i feel like they'll just judge me and won't understand it. It all started with this guy, he was one of my best friends at the time . We could talk abut anything and we just hung out and had fun.
But then I started liking him, but I never acted on it. He dated one of my friends, then he asked me to hook him up with my cuzin. I did it because that's what he wanted and I just wanted to be a good friend and make him happy. After him and my cuzin broke up, we stayed really close.
Then one day we crossed the line and we did something friends dont do to each other, but it wasnt sex. I was still a virgin at the time. After that, he suggested that we be friends with benefits. I wanted more but I didnt tell him, I just agreed cuz I thought it would make me closer to him. Word spread eventually that we were hooking up, what I didn't know at the time is that he was dating this girl in the same school as us. She was sort of my friend too, not a close friend though. I was hurt but I went back to him. Then one day he brought me to his friend's house and while we were play fighting in the room, he told his friends to join in. So I was the only girl surrounded by guys. You can obviously guess what happened after. I was a virgin and he knew it. He told his friends that they should take turns in the room with me.
I know I shouldve left then and there but I stayed. I don't know why, maybe cuz i felt like I had to. I used to be really insecure, growing up I wasnt 'pretty' but then I started maturing and as I got older I started getting prettier. I never had a bf, so I felt like they were giving me attention and I had to stay. One of the guys wanted to have sex, he didn't know I was a virgin. I couldn't tell him, so I just decided to tough it out and get it over with. It hurt soo bad and he only went halfway in. After a while he stopped and I got dressed. My friend came into the room and asked me if I was okay, I thought he cared. He then asked me if I wanted to try having sex again, this time with him. I agreed and I just laid there while we tried to do it. I was uncomfortable, insecure about my body and nervous. I thought he had my back always cuz he was such a close friend. He stopped after a while cuz it caused me so much pain. To make a long story short, I thought he cared about me.
He always brought me in umcomfortable situations and I stayed cuz i thought well he's my best friend, he would never hurt me intentionally. He would give me to his friends but then call me his gf. He would tell me he liked me, he liked being around me but would hurt me soo bad. two years later Im still not over it. It's hard to trust guys and open up to them now. To this day, he still comes back and tells me how he likes me and regrets alot of things he did to me in the past. I dont know how to get over it. Idk how to just cut him off. I cant even talk to my friends about any of this cuz I feel like they'll judge me. No one knows about any of this except the ppl that were there. Sometimes I get rly depressed and my mood just switches when I think about it. I dont know how to move on from it. No one gets me.
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