Your Emotions

[tallemgirl94]

Hey, I'm Emilie. I used to post on Gurl a few years ago, now I'm back.

 

The past few years have been very very hard on me. I don't even know where to begin.


Things started getting really bad when I got pregnant with my son.

I was 17, my dad was not happy with me. Our relationship got even more strained then it already was.

My stepmother now had a reason to call me names, talk about how slutty I was (even though my son's father is who I lost my virginity to, and I got pregnant after having sex for only a month).

After having my son, it only got worse. I suffered with postpartum depression pretty severely.

I locked myself in my room with my son and was very antisocial, I slept whenever I possibly could. It just was not a good situation. My dad and stepmom took that as me being "disrespectful".

My last straw living there was my stepmom telling me that she wanted to "punch me in the face every time she saw me and it took everything in her power not to." And that the only reason why she didn't punch me in the face was because she didn't want to go to jail. She was saying these things as I was sitting there holding my 2 month old son, and my Dad sat there saying nothing. I confronted him about not standing up for me, and he defended her saying that he would have defended me if he thought it was necessary. I'm sorry, but if ANYONE ever said that to my son, they would never be allowed around him again.

Because I finally voiced my opinion, they kicked me out. This was June of 2011.

Here I am, 17, with a 2 month old son, suffering from postpartum depression, with nowhere to go.

My real mom wanted to charge me $600/month in rent to share a room with my little sister.

I couch hopped all summer, and the first half of my Senior year in high school, while working two jobs.

My Grandpa finally let me move in with him, and I lived there until I graduated high school.

Luckily, I got the fire inside me to prove everyone wrong, and ended up graduating high school,and  got accepted into my top choice college, with scholarships.

Fast forward to now. Its December 2012, and I have no clue what I am doing.

I live on campus at my college in a two bedroom apartment, all to myself unless I have my son (which is half the time).

I am in one of the best nursing programs in the country, and I'm almost positive I don't want to be.

I am only doing this to keep my family happy, and to be able to support myself and my son after college.

I really want to be a teacher. Or go to culinary school, but those aren't good enough.

I am depressed. Not in the "oh I'm just not feeling good" kind of way. In the I don't get out of bed for days at a time, I don't eat, I don't sleep kind of way.

I have no one but my boyfriend. He lives about half an hour away and because of our ar situation only see eachother a few times a month.

All of my friends ditched me after I had my son, because of one reason or another.

I spent Thanksgiving alone. I am going to spend Christmas alone.

I have no money to buy son presents, so I asked family to give me money ahead of time to buy him presents instead of actually getting me anything for Christmas or my birthday.

My birthday hasn't been celebrated since I turned 16.

My family doesn't want me. They outrightly tell me they have no interest in me besides my son.

The only thing keeping me alive is my son, honestly.

If I didn't have him, I honestly think I would have already killed myself.

 

I don't know where to turn anymore. My doctor won't help me.

My therapist just tells me to lessen my stress level. There is nothing that I can remove from my stress load. School is necessary, work is necessary, taking care of my son is necessary.

My so called friends just say to "smile and I'll feel better" or "don't take everything so seriously" or "it will get better!"

They don't understand at all.

 

If you read this, thank you.

If you reply, thank you even more. I need someone or more then one person to talk to, just to get my feelings out. It would help tremendously.

[firestorm104]

i'm sorry you've been through so much in your life already, no one should have to go through that. but congratulations on being able to change things for yourself. i can understand it being hard right now having to deal with everything on your own pretty much...it's hard to stay positive under those circumstances, especially when it feels like it'd be so much easier to just give up if you could. having your son does mean looking out for the best option to take care of him, but even being a mom, it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own happiness, no matter how hidden it feels right now. having your son with you only half the time can make it a little easier. u need to find what it is that can distract you from the things that cause you the most stress, even if it's only a half hour, or five minutes even. start small, but give yourself something to look forward to. find other single mothers in your area who may be able to relate. think about what will make you the most happy. nursing can make good money, upwards of $25 an hour overnights depending on where you work. depending on how much time you have left in college, is it possible to set a long term goal of saving up some money, then going back to college later to do what you want by the time your son starts kindergarden or third grade? by then you could be making more money from your job, so it'd be one less stress. if that's too much, change your degree to what you want right now. it may be a longer struggle, but you can make it happen. as your son gets older, he'll need you and your involvement in his life even more, and that's hard to do when you barely have the strength for yourself. it's just some things to think about, although i do know thinking is probably the last thing u want to do right now. just try and give it some thought about what would change this situation for you.
sorry for the rambling...but if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me