I think it comes from the culture you live in. And how the brain works. Every time you activate an idea in the brain it strengthens and reinforces that idea. Sort of like exercising a muscle. If you use it, it gets stronger. If you don't use it, it gets weaker. Ideas are the same. If you don't get reminded of an idea that idea slowly fades away and becomes weaker, and has less of an impact on you.
So, sounds like you've been bombarded with the idea that sex before marriage is somehow "bad", (though I bet the specifics of "bad" in this case are rather vague. God will be "disappointed"? How disappointed? What will be the consequences of God being disappointed? So many unknowns. But that's not the point. The point is the idea is there, and the idea has been activated enough times, (e.g. repeated to you enough times) that it's there and it influences your thoughts and decisions.
You don't go to church but you feel uncomfortable about that. I surmise you live in a culture, an area of the world where the local culture is strongly religious, or you come from a family that is strongly religious, anyway you're surrounded by "religious" people, or "people who go to church". (There may be a difference between "religious" and "people who go to church".) And you wonder where you fit in, or if you do fit in.
You could move to a different town, or even a different part of the same town, and you'll notice a different culture. Some places not going to church is the norm.
Belief that you are being judged by some external entity probably again an idea repeated enough times to you that it's taken hold in your mind. It's a fear based belief. It makes you powerless to change the judgement criteria because the external entity is doing the judging, the external entity gets to decide what is good and what is bad. It confines you to either obey or disobey. There's no room for making your own moral decisions, examining your own feelings, deciding for yourself, based on your own emotions, what is moral and what is immoral.
Morality is based in our emotions, which we evolved, because this particular set of emotions compells us to do things which ultimately enhance our chance of passing on our genes. e.g. a group of people who cooperate together will prosper better than a group of people who don't cooperate. We are happy when we do moral things, that is our "reward".
You probably do have faith, but it's not the traditional Christian faith, or even a religious faith. It could be a faith or belief about the world quite different.
For example, a group I go to at the Unitarian church I attend recently had a discussion on the topic of "Witness". Witness is what most Christians are supposed to do, be a witness to their Christian faith, and live as a witness to their faith. But most of us at the Unitarian Church are not Christians. The reading was:
“Everyone is a witness whether they like it or not. The only question is - what kind of witness, and to what!
It is impossible to show that you have faith, and therefore bear witness to your faith, unless it is lived out in your life. It is not enough simply to say that you have faith, for who will believe you if you act contrary to your faith.”
Excerpt from Faith and Works by Cindy Ray
I thought about it afterwards and wrote the following to my spouse, where I decided I do have faith, though not a religious faith, and that I am a witness:
The topic tonight at connection circle was "Witness". How are you a witness to your faith. But I'm not a Christian or Jew or Muslim I don't have a faith. And I'm not a Witness. Witness is what you don't want to be, because if you're a witness the mob will come after you to silence you and you'll have to go into witness protection and then everything on that TV show will happen to you.
There was a reading which said something like "Your treasure is where your heart is" and I thought, "What do I treasure?" and of course the immediate answer was "You!"
And I pondered for awhile, "What do I believe?"
And the answer that came to me was, "I believe in You. Everyone else focuses on what's wrong with You, including Yourself, and your self-esteem is a bit low because of it. But when I first met you I quickly saw past that I saw a wonderful beautiful soul of a person and I believe you are a good person. I can't prove it, but I have a very strong faith that it is so. I have faith in You. I believe in You.
It's not a religion.
It's just something I believe. And my faith is reinforced every time I talk with you, every time I see you, I see it in your letters, I hear it in your voice, I know what to look for and I see it every time. You screw up—I look for remorse, and there it is. You feel guilt—I know I can trust you. You feel bad—that's how I know you're good.
When I first met you I saw it right away. I saw past all your problems and I saw the most beautiful treasure.
I believe in you. You are a treasure to me. It's OK if you don't see it or feel it, or if you don't even believe it's there. I have seen it. I have felt it. I have experienced it. I know it's there.
That is my faith. That is what I believe in. I believe in You. This is my testimony. I am a witness. I saw it. It's there. It's real. It's in you. It's a part of you. It's the very essence of who you are. And it's beautiful.
So, that's my faith and that's how I am a witness to my faith. And there's not a drop of religion in there anywhere. Yet, it is a very powerful, emotional, spiritual, and moral feeling.
Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion.
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