Relationship Issues & Advice

[realitytvgurl]

I am currently in my first relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I love him dearly, and I know that he also loves me. I never doubt his feelings...but I can't seem to shake the bit of insecurity/jealousy I hold in my heart. I have always been guarded when it comes to love - I went on my first date when I was nearly 20, with him. So maybe that's the reason why I am this way. I never really discuss this with him, or become angry over it, but it does give me a bit of anxiety at times.

I had always heard rumors of my boyfriend dating this one girl in particular. He never mentioned it, he avoids talking about any past relationships. Well, I ended up meeting/working with her just a few months ago. We became friends. And yet, whenever I brought her up, he acted as though he only vaguely knew who she was. Eventually she told me that they had once been very close, so I thought I might as well ask him for the full story. He felt awkward telling me, but they had, in fact, dated, and kissed. While it was weird to hear the truth so late in our relationship/after me and this girl became friends, I was thankful for his honesty. But, still to this day, he likes her profile pictures on Facebook, which I find to be a little weird. I would never like pictures of any of the guys I used to "talk" to... He also likes other girls profile pictures. Which, whatever, no big deal, but it does make me feel a little jealous, haha.

And then the other day we went to a wedding together. Granted, we had spent a lot of time together the days leading up to the wedding. But throughout the entire ceremony, he chatted up this other girl sitting on the other side of him. I know for a fact that this girl used to really like him, and she still acts as though she does. He even playfully kept touching/poking her, she jokingly asked him to stop, and then I finally stepped in and told him to stop, haha. Later that night, I said it was a little weird for me/hard for me to get used to how friendly he is with other girls. He blames it on growing up with all sisters, but swears he doesn't even know how to flirt. Whether he knows it or not, the touching/poking is totally flirty...am I right? It was also just a little disappointing that he didn't even touch me at all, or act like we were in a relationship at the wedding.

I have a lot of dreams where he cheats on me. I know that he never would in real life, but all of these things put these thoughts in my head!

[foreveryours15]

holy **bleep**. gurl let it go, dont be one of those gurls who doesnt let their bf have girl friends. he is allowed to have friends that are female, he is allowed to like their profile pictures, he is allowed to poke them and stuff...especially if he had sisters, i mean siblings can be pretty close.. so dont worry about it, hes probly just used to it and it doesnt seem to him like its wrong behaviour. you said so yourself that you know he would never cheat on you in person so let it go. if i were you i would say "sometimes i feel like you pay more attention to other girls than u do to me" then he will probly reassure you of how much  he loves you..

[Mirabay10]

Sounds like you have a hard time trusting people. Honestly, if your bf doesn't give you a reason not to trust him, then you shouldn't be doubting him. However, it seems as though he doesn't respect your relationship. If he did, there would not be any flirting of any type with any other person. I feel like this guy doesn't really take you or your relationship seriously. I mean if he had the audacity to flirt and touch on another girl while you were present, obviously this guy does not respect you. If I were you I would take a step back from the relationship until your bf is able to prove he has eyes only for you and only wants to be with just you. Don't put too much energy into this relationship, because it sounds like this guy doesn't know what he wants. But this is just my opinion.

Hope this helped!!

[stayclassy]

Well the fact that he has past relationships is obviously normal. The fact that he hides his past would give me red flags. To each his own but I prefer how me and my boyfriend are, completely open about our pasts.

Poking that girl and chatting her up that much is 100% flirty and that's not what I would be ok with. I can't tell you what to do with the relationship but those are things that would completely turn me off as I would find them disrespectful. I am the #1 woman in my man's life (although believe it or not, my bf is very close to his mother, and I love it!) but ... have you talked to him about how he can't act the exact same as he acted when he was single. Have you told him how you feel?

[realitytvgurl]

I used to ask about his past relationship(s), but he would always say that he doesn't like to talk about them, and that it shouldn't even matter, the past is the past. Unfortunately, I feel that the past defines who we are, at least in the way that it shapes us. I know from other people that he shared a very long on&off relationship with a girl/his best friend in high school. He has told some of his other friends more information about this relationship than he has with me. Every time I bring up that relationship, he shrugs it off and says it was a silly high school thing, and yet he has deleted her from Facebook and absolutely hates her more than anyone else.

As for the flirting...I brought it up the other night. He insisted that he had no idea how to flirt, and that it's just him being friendly. Of course, I didn't bring up the specific example of him touching the girl at the wedding. Truth is, he has always been this way with this particular girl. I stopped being friends with her last year because their interactions (in front of me) made me feel uncomfortable. He would annoyingly poke her, trip her, hold onto her backpack and make her fall back a little. ...Sad thing is, we're in college. haha But the whole wedding thing made me jealous all over again. He whispered to her and made her laugh throughout the entire ceremony, and barely even acknowledged me. Thankfully I had a friend to talk to on the other side of me...but ugh! If she wasn't pretty, and if she had not tried to date him before, it might be a different story. I'm not sure if he knows she's into him (although I've told him before). I believe he has mentioned to me before that he sees her as a little sister (even though she is just a year younger than us). But I also know for a fact that he likes girls with a cool style, and he always compliments what she wears.

[stayclassy]

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realitytvgurl wrote:

I used to ask about his past relationship(s), but he would always say that he doesn't like to talk about them, and that it shouldn't even matter, the past is the past. Unfortunately, I feel that the past defines who we are, at least in the way that it shapes us. I know from other people that he shared a very long on&off relationship with a girl/his best friend in high school. He has told some of his other friends more information about this relationship than he has with me. Every time I bring up that relationship, he shrugs it off and says it was a silly high school thing, and yet he has deleted her from Facebook and absolutely hates her more than anyone else.

As for the flirting...I brought it up the other night. He insisted that he had no idea how to flirt, and that it's just him being friendly. Of course, I didn't bring up the specific example of him touching the girl at the wedding. Truth is, he has always been this way with this particular girl. I stopped being friends with her last year because their interactions (in front of me) made me feel uncomfortable. He would annoyingly poke her, trip her, hold onto her backpack and make her fall back a little. ...Sad thing is, we're in college. haha But the whole wedding thing made me jealous all over again. He whispered to her and made her laugh throughout the entire ceremony, and barely even acknowledged me. Thankfully I had a friend to talk to on the other side of me...but ugh! If she wasn't pretty, and if she had not tried to date him before, it might be a different story. I'm not sure if he knows she's into him (although I've told him before). I believe he has mentioned to me before that he sees her as a little sister (even though she is just a year younger than us). But I also know for a fact that he likes girls with a cool style, and he always compliments what she wears.

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You should have though. In order to have clear communication and understanding, you can't just say "I don't like when you flirt" and he doesn't specifically understand what you're talking about. He might be genuine and not realize he's flirting which is why you have to be specific of which behaviour bothers you.

You can tell him that getting physical and extra attention is considered flirting and if he doesn't believe you, pull up some quick articles on google that tell you that is definitely flirting. When you are with him at a wedding, you should not feel ignored. When my boyfriend and I go out, we both talk to different people but if we're sitting next to each other he makes sure to involve me in the conversation.

I wouldn't say dump the guy because I think this can be improved as long as he'll willing to and you have open communication and make your feelings clear about exactly what bothers you and why.

[realitytvgurl]

Okay, thank you! I'll have to do this ASAP.

Another thing: When he kept whispering to this girl, and making her laugh, I felt like I was left out of inside jokes or something. I mean, I feel like at a wedding, of all places, he should be making comments to me, not some random girl. Whenever I'd ask him what he was saying to the girl that was so funny, he'd just shrug it off and say "Oh, nothing" like I didn't need to hear any of it.

[Special_K]

I think stayclassy is giving you some honest and great advice.

IMO I think he is flat out disrespecting the relationship, and taking advantage of your being timid on calling him out. It seems to me, that he is severely immature if he is having a poke war in a wedding, and he is college age -.- that said, I don't think he takes the relationship he has with you seriously, because he is too immature to be a solid partner. I agree that investing too much energy and emotion in this relationship wouldn't be wise.

If he can't keep his hands to himself, and show you some respect, then he needs to kick rocks. When my husband and I were dating, he was so busy with trying to make me fall in love with him, he didn't have time or the balls to flirt/chat up other chicks. It's my experience that people only invest so much energy into other people unless they want something. Extra energy to someone else besides your partner, looks mighty suspicious.

[DM_17]

This may or may not be helpful... I found out in June that my ex (of 8 years) was cheating on me (for the last 2 years). Throughout our relationship, I was jealous and always worried about what he was doing and why was he talking to that girl and who was he with and why wasn't he texting me when he was out. He wasn't cheating on me when I was worried, but I think that deep down I never trusted him to be faithful, and then he wasn't. In your case, it doesn't mean that he will cheat. But you have to really think about whether this is insecurity, or whether you feel deep down that he's not trustworthy. I was sure I was going to marry my ex, but I always got the feeling that we wouldn't grow old together, I just worried that one of us would die young or something like that. The point is, deep down I knew we wouldn't be together forever because we weren't right for each other. That's what you need to think about, where your fears are rooted. I don't mean to scare you more with any of this information. But from my experience, your subconscious will tell you things you may not be noticing yourself.