Relationship Issues & Advice

[arwen26]

Ok so first of all, this is not a my-boyfriend-is-evil rant. He's not a jerk, I promise. Let me put this into context.

I recently saw my family for Christmas and my boyfriend came with me on my trip home. My grandfather's new wife (who I hadn't seen in a year) gave me a backhanded compliment when she saw me, saying, "It's so great that you put on weight! You look much better now." (she's not very subtle). Anyways this bothered me for a couple of days; I hadn't realized I had put on some kilos. And finally I bugged my boyfriend about it and asked him if he thought so too. He said yes, and I also asked whether he would want me to lose what I've gained and he also said yes. He did stress however that it's not a necessity, and that he wants me to be happy and stress-free. When I asked him how much it bothered him on a 1 to 10 scale, he said a 3; he mentioned that it was a preference, like whether he liked my hair shorter or longer, that's all. The fact is that my boyfriend has always been very shrewd and honest with me, he never lies, even when it's something I might not like hearing. But this has really crushed my confidence. I don't feel sexy or beautiful anymore. What bothers me as well is that in all honesty, I've gained maybe only 2 or 3 kilos; it's just because I'm short that it shows (I hold most of my body fat around my stomach). So it's not a really huge amount or anything. He says he doesn't get why the weight issue has to be such a big deal for girls; obivously if he were female I think he'd think differently. I want to be healthy and happy but it's hard to not think about it all the time, as I have had self-esteem issues in the past and it took me a while to even be mildly happy with my body; now it feels like going back to square one. I don't know what to do, even though he says I don't have to do anything, he keeps reminding that he never asked me to lose weight, he just answered my question; and he says he wouldn't have told me of his own accord if I hadn't asked because to him it's not that important. But I'm having a lot of trouble making it less important for myself. Any thoughts/advice/similar stories?

[firestorm104]

as girls, we're all going to go through points in our lives where we weigh more/less depending on the day, week, month, etc. like you, i'm never part of the tall group lol, and can tell whenever i gain anything. honestly, no one else usually notices it as much as you do yourself, and stressing about it only makes it take longer for it to change again. if you feel like you're back at square one, think back to what it was last time that made you feel differently about your body. do you have clothes that make you feel sexy and attractive? a certain body part or feature that makes you feel good about yourself, whatever it is? start there, and just know that you have every reason to be confident. your grandfather's wife still gave you a compliment, saying that you look good, so don't think of it as only a backhanded one, and your boyfriend said that it's not that important to him. he'll love your confidence with how you act about your body more than the way it looks. surprise him one day and dress up and plan something special for the two of you, act like you're exactly the way you want to be. he'll love it.

   i know it doesn't stop you from wanting to lose weight and find that balanced body image again, but don't only focus on that. you're so much more than what you weigh

   good luck

[otterpuffs]

Do what makes you happy. If you feel happier at lesser weight then start working out.  and eat more fruit and vegetables. My doctor recommended people get at least an hour of good cardio. It is not easy to lose weight but if you want it and are determined you can do anything . Good luck girl!

[flamingoccm]

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arwen26 wrote:

He says he doesn't get why the weight issue has to be such a big deal for girls; obivously if he were female I think he'd think differently.

What does he mean by "the weight issue?" 

I want to be healthy and happy but it's hard to not think about it all the time, as I have had self-esteem issues in the past and it took me a while to even be mildly happy with my body; now it feels like going back to square one. I don't know what to do, even though he says I don't have to do anything, he keeps reminding that he never asked me to lose weight, he just answered my question; and he says he wouldn't have told me of his own accord if I hadn't asked because to him it's not that important. But I'm having a lot of trouble making it less important for myself. Any thoughts/advice/similar stories?

Obviously it was important enough to you that you felt the need to ask. I'm in the category of "if you didn't want to know the answer, you ought not have asked." The issue here isn't him, it's you. So you've gained 2 or 3 kilos...That's really not that much and if it's such a big deal to you, it wouldn't be that hard to lose. 

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[stayclassy]

You shouldn't obsess some much about what ONE person said and then have your boyfriend rate how much it bothers him. You hadn't noticed the weight gain, you were happy with your body, leave it at that. I don't know where you live and if it's cold there at this time of year but we usually add on a few because of the cold and lack of exercise or winter blues.

Don't allow one person opening their mouth to dictate how you feel about yourself.

[stayclassy]

By the way, some men DO struggle with their weight. Obese ones can find it hard to lose weight, even if they don't talk about it as much as girls do. And really skinny guys can find it difficult to add on weight, and subsequently turn the fat into muscle. Some guys also look at ripped guys in magazines like we do in girls magazines except they don't make it as vocal as girls or they joke about them.

[Anti-shego]

It doesn't matter how he said it in the context any guy who says he prefers to lose a few pounds you should probably non-literally sla his head into a brick wall, befcause the an is an idiot. If you want to lse soe weight fine but if he tells you you should, don't listen because it's not his decision for you to lose weight.

[stayclassy]

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Anti-shego wrote:

It doesn't matter how he said it in the context any guy who says he prefers to lose a few pounds you should probably non-literally sla his head into a brick wall, befcause the an is an idiot. If you want to lse soe weight fine but if he tells you you should, don't listen because it's not his decision for you to lose weight.

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Not necessarily.

I personally would want my boyfriend to tell me if I'm adding on too much and he's a really good man and I have no issues with my weight.

[alegnatm]

I a a firm believer that it is never acceptable for anyone to comment on your weight, unless they are telling you that it looks like you lost some. So in my opinion your grandmother (my grandmother comments on my weight too, I just brush it off) and your boyfriend are both extremely rude. Even if you prompted him by asking what he thought, a smart man keeps his damn mouth closed about any woman's weight.

2-3 kilos isn't a lot, I doubt that anyone would really be able to "see" it on you, and if you really want to lose it then just adjust your diet a little bit and do some exercises a few days a week. 

[arwen26]

Thanks girls, this is all helping to different degrees...just to clarify a bit more, I don't blame him for anything really...I think flamingoccm is right in emphasizing that I was the one who asked...I don't think he's a jerk, he is just honest, he doesn't lie to me about anything because he doesn't think that's fair. again I think this is more an issue of how I can regain my confidence (I've already started eating healthier; I exercised plenty before and I'm keeping it up) because I'm worried about driving him away with insecurities, and I don't want to rely on him all the time for reassurance -- I don't think that's fair. I just want it to be less of a big deal to me, the way that it is to him (that's what I meant in terms of the 'weight issue' -- that girls usually emphasize and focus on weight more than guys and it becomes taboo to even mention it, though obviously it can go both ways).