Rape Support

[kourt423]

So this past Saturday I went to a party. I got super drunk and ended up upstairs with this guy. Were friends, but weve never had a relationship more than that. We ended up having sex. I was a virgin, and I ended up passing out sometime during it. The thing is I can remember how the sex started, if we did anything before that, and how it ended. I knew the next day I had sex because of the pain, blood, and other people knew. I can remember parts of it, but not the whole thing. Would this be considered rape? I was really upset when I found out, because losing your virginity is supposed to be special. thanks for the help

                                                                      Kourtney

[flamingoccm]

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kourt423 wrote:

So this past Saturday I went to a party. I got super drunk and ended up upstairs with this guy. Were friends, but weve never had a relationship more than that. We ended up having sex. I was a virgin, and I ended up passing out sometime during it. The thing is I can remember how the sex started, if we did anything before that, and how it ended. I knew the next day I had sex because of the pain, blood, and other people knew. I can remember parts of it, but not the whole thing. Would this be considered rape? I was really upset when I found out, because losing your virginity is supposed to be special. thanks for the help

                                                                      Kourtney

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It's a tough situation, because legally you'd have to be drunk enough to be considered incapacitated and unable to consent. If you were drunk enough to pass out, I'd say you were way too drunk. I'm not sure I would say he took advantage of you because I don't know what happened. Just because you regret it later doesn't make it rape. Of the parts you remember, were you okay having sex when it started? 

[stayclassy]

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kourt423 wrote:

 I was really upset when I found out, because losing your virginity is supposed to be special. 

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Because of that statement, I think that you regret doing it but even though you did something that you don't agree with only because you were under the influence, it doesn't make it someone else's fault.

From your story, it seems consenting to me. You probably just passed out while having sex and then came to again, that only implies that you were too drunk. You might not even have passed out during it just because you don't remember parts of it as we don't always remember everything when we're intoxicated.

[yawellwhatever]

i agree with the others. as much as you regret what happened, if you were awake enough to consent in the beginning (before you started passing out), it's not really his fault and it's consentual. 

you should try to remember if you consented in the beginning.

also, just cuz you consented doesn't make it any less upsetting if you were drunk/passing and you did lose your virginity. If you're feeling upset about this, talk to someone and sort it out.

[stayclassy · Accepted solution]

Oops, I forgot to mention ... I agree that it's okay to be upset but just not at him, take responsibility. You should definitely talk to someone if you need to vent but just remember that it's done and over with and most people's first time isn't magical and special either. You'll have plenty of good sex in the future and won't forever think about this.

[ayeayeaye]

This is a very foggy territory. You definitely weren't giving valid consent, because you were drunk. I don't think that you were to blame or that you're necessarily having regrets and trying to blame someone else. Was he sober? Did you feel like at some point he took advantage of the fact that you were drunk? There's several factors that can make the situation clearer. In general, it certainly wasn't consensual though.

Also, please don't beat yourself up over your virginity. You were drunk and drunk people don't have a good control over their actions. Even if you wanted it at the time don't be too harsh on yourself. You can still have a first time that truly counts and is truly meaningful to you if that's what you want.

[stayclassy]

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ayeayeaye wrote:

This is a very foggy territory. You definitely weren't giving valid consent, because you were drunk. I don't think that you were to blame or that you're necessarily having regrets and trying to blame someone else. Was he sober? Did you feel like at some point he took advantage of the fact that you were drunk? There's several factors that can make the situation clearer. In general, it certainly wasn't consensual though.

Also, please don't beat yourself up over your virginity. You were drunk and drunk people don't have a good control over their actions. Even if you wanted it at the time don't be too harsh on yourself. You can still have a first time that truly counts and is truly meaningful to you if that's what you want.

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I disagree because nowhere in her post am I seeing anything where she didn't want to do it or pushed him away or had doubts or was unsure or anything like that. And if she didn't give valid consent because she was drunk, if he was drunk too does it mean he didn't give valid consent either? So then you would say they raped each other or she raped him.

[kourt423]

Thanks everyone for all of your help. I realize it was a mistake and both of us are too blame. Although I wish it didn't happen there is nothing i can do that will change what happened. I just learned to accept it, move on, and dont let anyone or anything get me down over it. Thanks again!