Older Girls (18+, please)

[SunnyWest]

I need to know if anyone has had a similar experience to mine and if so how did you cope. I was physically abused by my father as a child, I think more than physical pain what scarred me the most was the fear of living with a monster. My mom never left him and it's one of those things I still get upset about . I'm also a newly wed, and my husband and I never lived together before we got married. Here is my problem--in the past 6 mos of marriage he has gotten explosively angry at me to the point where he was shouting at the top of his lungs. I had never seen him do that before, He almost never gets mad in the first place, I think that's why I fell for him. the last time was 2 weeks ago and I am still thinking about it. He apologized shortly after our fight both times but it makes little difference, in that moment I was terrified! I want to have kids someday, but i have this weight on my chest saying what if he ends up being abusive also? and you could very well argue that screaming at me can already count as abuse. The other part of me is saying "the first year of marriage is known for being an uphill battle. Don't assume he is your dad." I know couples fight and yell at each other at some point or another, but i am not resilient like everyone else! Please, someone out there tell me you can relate.
(Married girls only please!)

[flamingoccm]

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SunnyWest wrote:
I need to know if anyone has had a similar experience to mine and if so how did you cope. I was physically abused by my father as a child, I think more than physical pain what scarred me the most was the fear of living with a monster. My mom never left him and it's one of those things I still get upset about . I'm also a newly wed, and my husband and I never lived together before we got married. Here is my problem--in the past 6 mos of marriage he has gotten explosively angry at me to the point where he was shouting at the top of his lungs. I had never seen him do that before, He almost never gets mad in the first place, I think that's why I fell for him. the last time was 2 weeks ago and I am still thinking about it. He apologized shortly after our fight both times but it makes little difference, in that moment I was terrified! I want to have kids someday, but i have this weight on my chest saying what if he ends up being abusive also? and you could very well argue that screaming at me can already count as abuse. The other part of me is saying "the first year of marriage is known for being an uphill battle. Don't assume he is your dad." I know couples fight and yell at each other at some point or another, but i am not resilient like everyone else! Please, someone out there tell me you can relate.
(Married girls only please!)

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I know you only wanted married girls to reply...so I apologize for not being married.

If he is someone who you have never known to be an angry person--like, he usually handles things calmly, and now he's flying off the handle--it's time to have a talk. Maybe there's something else going on and his anger is an emotional response to something else, not you? 

I don't care what the reason is, though: You shouldn't have to be in a marriage where your partner terrifies you, even if it's "just once" or "he'll never do it again." If that means you want to consider counseling, I think that's a reasonable option. I'm not saying your marriage is in jeopardy or anything...I think you just need to "learn" how to fight. I do not believe this is about your past, though. I think this would scare the crap out of me, too. 

[stayclassy]

You definitely need to learn how to fight. You associated screaming with the abuse from your father and it doesn't have to be that way.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years now and the first year was deeeefinitely hard. The second year was a lot more teamwork and understanding. That is not to say that we are the perfect couple who never raises their voice and discusses everything by the book. We have definitely screamed at each other at the top of our lungs. Not saying it's the right way of dealing with things but we are emotional people and take it too far sometimes. But neither one of us felt scared of the other.

It wasn't always this way though. When we first started dating, when I would yell he would associate that with his childhood... where his father would scream at his mother and it got pretty abusive. Things were worse than what I'm portraying and eventually they divorced. I was comfortable yelling because my parents have yelled at each other growing up yet they are still together. So he learned that us yelling at each other was a fight between us both, it didn't include his father. And eventually moved on from it. But he wasn't abused by his father and was not as sensitive as you are.

Which is why I think you need to deal with your past especially now that you're married. You can't just walk away and marriage takes a lot of work. Both of your pasts are coming together and living together is NOT the same as dating. The best way is to get some counseling.

[SunnyWest]

Thank you for your reply, I don't know if this was on purpose but your quote at the end applies very much to my situation, I really like it and have written it in my journal as a reminder to be strong.

[stayclassy]

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SunnyWest wrote:
Thank you for your reply, I don't know if this was on purpose but your quote at the end applies very much to my situation, I really like it and have written it in my journal as a reminder to be strong.

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It wasn't on purpose. This is my signature and it's there every time I post. But I find that it applies to pretty much every living person one way or another. We all have hurt at one point.