Alright, this is going to be long, so I apologise. Here's the situation:
I am 18 years old. Over the past few years I dealt with depression and as an alternative to cutting, I took to casual hook-ups (mainly just making out) as a means of escapism. About 6 months ago, I realised that this was counter-productive to my recovery as I always felt so bad about myself afterwards that I'd end up self-harming anyway. I decided that I needed to learn to control the part of me that uses people.
Since then, I have gotten a lot better and I think I am doing well. I am a lot happier now. However, while half of me wants to fight for this happiness, the other half just wants to keep using people. In the past, the people I've kissed have always known it was just a casual thing. They've never actually liked me or anything.
Until now. Around the same time I decided to stop what I was doing, I met this guy who is 29 years old. We met because he and I both coach the same sport, and attend a lot of the same trainings. I like him a lot as a friend; I really enjoy his company. But the thing is, he broke up with his partner a few months ago and since them I have observed him begin to fall for me instead. He's never explicitly stated that he likes me, but he says things to me that he shouldn't be saying and I can just tell he does by the way that he acts.
This is a problem. It's a problem because half of me knows that I do not see him in that way (and never will), and that it would be wrong to pursue anything with him, especially given the age difference. But the other half of me is not sure I would resist if he tried to kiss me or anything. After letting other people do what they wanted with my body for so long, I'm just not sure I can say no, especially when there is something so exicting about the forbidden.
With all that being said, this Friday is my belated birthday party. I'm going clubbing. I'll be with my three best girlfriends all night, but a lot of my other friends will be there, including him. I really don't want him to pull any moves on me, but I just don't know what to do about it. I can't just say, "hey, I don't like you in that way," when he hasn't even told me he likes me. What do I do if I somehow get into a situation where he tries to kiss me or something? How do I let him know I'm not interested and more importantly, how do I be strong and fight against the part of me that wants him?
18. New Zealand.
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