Boards
it's not screwed up to miss the one thing you held onto for that inner strength, even if other people saw it as a weakness. it was how you handled things, your way to overcome it. you have a chance now to overcome all the bad things in your life, and the scars from it if you truly want to. find something in staying clean that gives you that reinforcement and feeling of strength the way cutting did, because you are alive, you do have a chance to fight it. it's not going to be easy, and it'll take time before you can stop thinking about it all the time, and sometimes you're still going to want to anyway . . . i know what it's like (starting over again from those thoughts myself, four days) . . . but you are always stronger than it
good luck
no one can judge you for the decisions you make at the time. while your past doesn't have to define you or your future, i think it does stay a part of what makes you who you are as a person. acceptance that it is an issue for you is a major step, sometimes more than being ashamed of it, because you always know for yourself the battles you face. talking about it with others who can help you will help, but ultimately, you're the one who has to want this for yourself. when i used to struggle with a form of it myself (though a different method and location, since my wrists always felt more dangerous) i never wanted it to disappear either, and i'd switch between trying to hide it, and leaving out where people could see it and realize what they were doing to me. i thought that when i turned 18, i'd get a tattoo of the image i marked in the same spot, so i'd never have to think about it fading even when i didn't think about doing it every day or month. it's been years since i was at my worst, and a lot of things have changed. for once in my life i am really happy right now. i started realizing that every time you scar on the outside, you scar on the inside too . . . you'll always know what made you who you are, and one day you won't need to be able to physically see it to know. you'll have things in life that will make you happy, and those scars won't be the sole focus in your life, no matter how impossible it feels right now. sure, you'll have times where you want to, it's never easy, but it will get better, i promise. stay strong, and don't be ashamed by your true inner feelings. they're what matters, and can change anything.
no, i should've been more clear on my response lol. it was just the closest way i could relate to it. it definitely is more of a personal thing for you, where the scars of what you've been through hold more significance than the act of cutting. i hope you can find a way to be able to let them go one day, but it has to be when you want it, and feel ready to, not because people think you should or because they say it's easy, because it's not. but you can do this, you are strong
