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I have bitched, whined and moaned about how lonely I am. I have.
And now, I finally (potentially) have what I want and I'm not sure I want it.
His name is Taylor, he lives an hour and a half away. I met him on a website, we started chatting, and then he got my number and called me. He was funny and sweet, and I enjoyed my chat with him. Well, he talked to me the day after, and then it was like he fell off the face of the Earth. I didn't hear from him in over a week, so I figured he wasn't interested. I was okay with that.
Anyways, in that time span, I realized that I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship right now. I want it, but I'm afraid and I'm not comfortable with it. To be honest, I know why. I keep telling myself that it's not true, but I hate my body. I really do. I know I need to love it, but I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and I know that's not okay. I want to focus on myself and loose weight, and look great. I can't love another person until I love myself. I love parts of myself, but not the whole...
Anyways, I deleted my account, and I figured I would never hear from Taylor again. He texted me last night, then called me. We talked for a while, then he had to go. I just got off the phone with him from a 40 minute conversation.
He seems like a really sweet guy, but I just don't think I'm ready for this. Honestly, the thought of it stresses me out. He knows I'm afraid, I admitted everything to him (minus the whole hating my body thing). But he kind of ignored it. He admitted that he really likes me. The only problem is, sometimes he asks me questions that I'm not really sure of. They're usually sexual. (Ex: He asked me -indirectly- if I masturbated.) I'm a virgin, but I'm not prude. At the same time, this is not the way I want to go around with this.
Honestly, I don't want to lead him on. I don't want to hurt him. But I'm not ready for this. I don't know how to be nice about it. Part of me just wants to block him on facebook and his phone number and be done with it, but part of me wants to hold onto him. I know for sure I'm not ready for a relationship; my thing is I want to be best friends or comfortable around someone before I can love them....and we're moving too fast for my liking. I've told him this over and over and he agrees, but then he asks me these questions. He always asks me if they make me uncomfortable and I say no but...they kind of do.
I just don't know what to do gurls. I'm having a crisis of sorts. Please help me...
19. College Freshman. English Major. Writer, Artist, Actor, Dreamer, Fangirl. *Never stop. Never stop fighting. Never stop dreaming. ~TH * I don't think anyone, until their soul leaves their body, is passed the point of no return. 
Yeah, I agree. But the thing is, it's not even about that. I want out. And now. I have social anxiety, and social interactions really stress me out if I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable now, and all I want to do is just not talk to him. I don't ever want to talk to him again, to be honest. I want to meet a guy in person, get to know him, and THEN get together. We kind of did it in the reverse order with this whole thing.
I know I'm partly to blame, but the fact that he's ignoring me when I'm trying to tell him I'm not interested, like I said, is bothering me. And then he keeps pushing.
I could cut him off completely right now but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like he deserves more than that...I just don't know, this is really confusing for me.. 
19. College Freshman. English Major. Writer, Artist, Actor, Dreamer, Fangirl. *Never stop. Never stop fighting. Never stop dreaming. ~TH * I don't think anyone, until their soul leaves their body, is passed the point of no return. Like I said, I wouldn't even want that. I just have this feeling of wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. I feel like a terrible person, but I just...I can't do this right now. I've tried explaining that to him, time and time again but he just keeps ignoring me. I don't know how to get the message across without being a bitch. He just facebooked me saying hey and I closed out of facebook.
I always felt so bad for guys in these situations, but now I kind of understand...but I don't want to be that girl! I don't want to at all. Because I know what it feels like to be ignored, and I hate it.
19. College Freshman. English Major. Writer, Artist, Actor, Dreamer, Fangirl. *Never stop. Never stop fighting. Never stop dreaming. ~TH * I don't think anyone, until their soul leaves their body, is passed the point of no return. 
