I Broke My Own Heart Because of Her

I always knew I was pansexual (basically bisexual for those that don't know), and I'd made out with girls at parties previously but never had feelings for one before. When I was a junior, I became friends with a couple of people I had been aquainted with over the summer. We all became really close really fast, but there was this one girl in the group that I just kind of clicked with, she was a senior. A couple months went by and our school had it's commencement in November. We went and after hung out with our friends for a few hours. Around 1am everyone left and it was just us. It was so nice and cozy and happy. Eventually we had this moment where our foreheads and noses were touching but nothing actually ended up happening. Roughly 2 months later we talked and realized we both had remembered that little moment. A week later (on New Years) we were at her house at the party she was hosting. The last people left around 3am but neither of us were really tired. So we went downstairs and talked for a few hours and eventually ended up talking about our almost kiss. Around 6am, after talking about it, we just went silent and waited roughly 10 minutes for one of us to do something. Eventually she kissed me and we made out for almost an hour, we didn't go any farther than second base though. I was her first female-kiss and the first she came out to as pansexual as well, and she was the first girl I'd kissed sober. We didn't really talk about it for about 3 weeks and then we did and we both agreed that it was really awesome and we wanted to do it again but casually. I didn't want casual, I wanted a relationship but was too scared to say anything. We ended up making out as aften as we could, and we'd touch each other and it was incredible everytime. She was a little less experienced than me but we experienced a lot of firsts together. She was all I could think about and I couldn't wait to be alone with her. She always said that it made her happy and she adored me but she wasn't ready for a relationship. We were best friends before anything else so she was always encouraging me to date people and she'd offer to set me up with people. Every time we kissed I was falling for her a little more but she still had no feelings for me in that way. I knew I was digging myself a tunnel to heartbreak but how could I give up something so incredible? Eventually she graduated and ended up going to university across the country. I was so heartbroken that she'd left and we never became an item. I knew if I'd stopped what we were doing sooner maybe I wouldn't have been so heartbroken. She was the first person I'd ever fallen in love with. I'm eternally grateful for her friendship and the role she played in my life. Maybe things would've been different if I'd been more honest? Who knows. In the end I'm happy we were each other's firsts.?

Sorry for the long story but I haven't told many people that and just wanted to share.?
xx

This absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like she really means something to you. All I can say is maybe it just wasn't meant to be, but then again maybe she will come back into your life one day. I think it's great that you met someone you were so in love with but I'm sorry she didn't, or wasn't ready to feel the same way. You sound like a really sweet person. She would've been lucky to have you.?

Can you try contacting her and telling her exactly what you told us?

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SammyB_16:
This absolutely breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like she really means something to you. All I can say is maybe it just wasn't meant to be, but then again maybe she will come back into your life one day. I think it's great that you met someone you were so in love with but I'm sorry she didn't, or wasn't ready to feel the same way. You sound like a really sweet person. She would've been lucky to have you.?

Thank you! I'm mostly grateful for her friendship and I did learn a lot from her. It sucks we couldn't have worked out though, but it was a good experience (yuh know until the while heartbreak thing but whatevs)?

NocternalPrincess:
Can you try contacting her and telling her exactly what you told us?
?

We're still in contact and skype sometimes. She's still a friend but we've both moved on and grown up, I guess if I were tell her it would be more about letting her know how I was feeling as a teenager. We're both happy now and she was a great person to have experienced that as a teenager. Although the unfortunate ending,?I don't really regret anything. I think the past should stay there though.. if that makes any sense!

 

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