Okay, so this is abrupt, but I have no clue how to start this, so here goes:
I'm attracted to guys but at the same time I want nothing more than to take a girl and kiss her with all I'm worth. I'm on the younger side of the teen group, roughly 15. I've never kissed anyone or held a hand. I know it's pretty normal to question, but I've been doing it so much lately that it's gotten extremely distracting. I really think I'm attracted to girls, but I don't really seek out attractive girls like I do with boys. I could tell you certain guys in a room are attractive, like they have this quality to them that makes me find them cute, but girls are confusing. I could tell you who I find most attractive, but it isn't immediate like it is with guys. I can imagine doing more with girls than guys, though I think this may be caused by being more familiar with girls over the past couple years.?
When I was little, I associated much more closely with boys than girls. In general, they were the ones who wanted to play in the dirt, run around the field, and talk about anything related to geology, cars, trains, and planes. This led to me having more guy friends than girl friends, though I was often a little more of a loner than others my age. I still connected with my peers, but no one was extremely close to me throughout elementary school (looking back on it, I would have avoided myself as well). This led to a rather awkward experimentation with people of other social groups and expansion of my friend group in seventh grade. You know that thing about how girls typically have very close, physical relationships with their friends? I've never had that. I'll hug my friends briefly on occasion and lean one friend, but that's it. No hand holding, arms around each other for extended periods of time, or deep talks about girl stuff. Any time I lean on that friend, I have this slightly awkward feeling, not knowing if it's okay or not, even though it's accepted and most likely is. I always see her linking arms with other girls and putting her arm around their shoulders etc. She is really the only person other than my cousin I will lean on because I know she's okay with physical contact from seeing her do this. Every time I lean against her, there's this awkward flutter, but it's almost undetectable. I secretly wish she would put her arm around my shoulders, link arms with me like she does with so many others, but she doesn't. I wouldn't say I have a full fledged crush on her, but she is the reason I've started to examine this and develop minor feelings for others. I've always thought of myself as a little bi-curious, but these recent occurences have made me sort of start wanting to identify as bisexual to myself. I haven't told anyone I know personally about this conflict, nor do I have the courage to, but I desperately want to tell someone about this because of how infuriating it has become.
If anyone has a suggestion or an idea on how to make this less of a confusing mess, I'd love to hear it.?