So lost

I've always like boys and never have thought anything different, it was just natural and what I was attracted to, and I never thought about being with a girl. Me and my best friend growing up were really close and lost touch in college, a couple months after we stopped talking she came out as a lesbian. I wasnt too shocked at the time but I thought hey, good for her. And at this point in time I was still fixated on boys. One in particular who I was with through my first two and a half years in college, who was the first person to truely break my heart. With him, I never thought about girls, but I also found myself not being able to let myself be fully attached to him and open up, which in the end is why things ended. The following year I found another guy, who I got along really well and we started dating. We started dating for a year but all during which, I started changing my tinder settings to girls or sometimes girls and guys. But then would feel weird and guilty I was even using tinder in a relationship and change it back. I couldn't connect with guy #2 either and the sex was horrible so I broke up with him. Lo and behold a year later he came out as gay. That wasnt a surpise either but also left me feeling wtf. All during this time I can't stop thinking about hooking up with a girl or do I like girls or why do I have these thoughts all of a sudden at the end of college. I can't see myself being with a girl but part of me is thinking that is just because I'm so scared of relationships in general. Wouldn't I have known earlier if I was bisexual or gay? It's literally plaguing my mind. I now find myself thinking of guys and being quite repulsed and then of girls and my heart starts racing. But I still identify as straight, am I confused af or what? I'd like to try being with a girl just to ease my curiosity but it terrifies me and I have no idea how to even go about it.?

alright, so a couple of things.

sexuality is quite fluid, and isn't this black or white thing. it isn't even a "one standard black, one standard grey, one standard white" thing. there are multiple shades of white, multiple shades/tints of grey, and multiple tints of black to consider.

Try not to assume that, because of two instances you had with guys, that's what you should expect all the time, or even most of the time.

You are still quite young. Early to mid 20's is still very much a confusing time. the crazy thing about it is, we expected to just have it all under control when we were teenagers (nope) Plus there are many people who don't have a clue about their sexuality until they hit their mid thirties, or even later!

My advice would be: 1. Don't worry about labels. 2. don't be scared of relationships, they can be fun! it's also great to gain that experience for if and when you do decide to settle down. 3. engage your curiosity. You can try your hand with the Tinder thing but more importantly: meet people. be kind. let those charming quirks about you shine out. It's very much the same as meeting and getting to know a guy before you decide them, the only difference is trying to gauge their sexuality, as well as their attraction to you. College is still a time to be open, so you may find a girl who is open about herself, and you can be.. openly receptive to it (this is just an example)?

 

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