Worried about having sex with someone new..

I lost my virginity about a year ago to this boy who I?d been seeing on and off for about 3 years, it was right at the time and I have no regrets about that.
However since then a lot has happened and hes no longer in my life. I miss having sex and I want to sleep with someone else before I make it a bigger deal in my head than it has to be.
I have someone in mind to sleep with who i like and know quite well but im worried i wont enjoy it as i dont have 3 years of trust with him. This new guy would only be casual which is all I want but im still worrying how to I stop comparing to my ex?

Having sex again will just be an add-on. ?It's a short term 'fix' that won't solve the underlying problem, only bury it. ?You know you don't want casual sex, you know you want it to be more meaningful. ?Yet your past experiences have scared you, made you feel that is something you cannot have. ?Instead of addressing those feelings you harbour, you are trying to hide them under casual sex. ?And it will work, of course, whilst you are having sex. ?Then what? ?Your body releases oxytocin that makes you bond more to the new guy, you start to feel close? ?Then your plan falls apart. ?Or you break it off and find someone else to have a fling with. ?And again. ?Because you won't stop once you start down that path until it is too late and you have too many regrets. ?

And those feelings you aren't addressing now, the ones you are running from? ?They'll still be there to be dealt with the second you try to stop. ?It's why people get addicted to drugs, to going to the gym excessively, to spending money frivolously, to procrastinating, whatever your vice.

But fear is always of fear itself. ?The fear of something is always worse than the thing itself (except having a loved one die obviously).

Don't give in to the easy way out, take responsibility for your decisions.

Sorry but that is absolutely horrid advice. Sex is natural and to be enjoyed. We are not in the 14th century anymore. Emma, be careful, use common sense and enjoy your sexuality. Tired of people treating sex as abnormal and making girls feel guilty for wanting what we were designed to like.

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want to explain how anything you said relates at all to anything I said? I certainly don't see where I suggested sex was abnormal or shouldn't be enjoyed. ?What a short sighted clich?d remark.

Sounds like someone believed everything they were told in their sex ed classes at school.

To be fair both of the replies above weren't very good. I think that the second person tried to make themselves sound smarter by being bombastic and obviously Googled what chemicals happen when you orgasm then started saying lessons they think they learned in movies and heard that don't have any real meaning in real life or this situation. Its really looks like they were trying to sound smarter than they were but failed because that last comment ended with, take responsibility for your actions. What actions does she have to be responsible for and you say sex you're just digging a bigger dumb-ass hole.

What they were trying to do between Google filled prattle is that if you are just looking for sex, then just go and do it, like abbiekat said it's natural and should be fun but if trust is an issue it doesn't seem like you're just looking for sex. It sounds like your trying to fill the void that he left and sex isn't going to fill it. You can't be comparing the other guy to your ex either because thats an immediate way to fail and ruin it for you both. If you want sex go for it but dont try to fill the space in your life with sex because that won't work.

I think you already made it a bigger deal than it needs to be because if trust is what you're after you won't find it this way and if you're just worried about him not wearing a condom or telling his friends who cares bring your own condom and the only difference between girls and guys talking about sex with there friends is that guys think that they are entitled to us because there friend got to or something. But that shouldn't make us feel uncomfortable as girls and its wrong that they do that to us but we talk about it with our girls to so it's not like we don't do it to but I hope this helps and you are happy with the decision you make.

My last reply was better and more thoughtful but this website doesn't keep track of text fields after leaving a page :/ fail.

Megamegan you are the oldest sounding 11 year old I've ever heard?

I actually kind of agree with IAmYourDr, I think she's saying if you go out and just have sex with random people you aren't going to be respected and just used for sex. What self-respecting girl/woman wants that? I know I want to be respected and not just used for sex. That's just me though. To each their own. I think iamyourdr might have been a bit harsh, and maybe I was too, but I think that's the gist of what she was trying to say.?

except the op is just asking about casual sex. Obviously casual sex isn't meant for a relationship.there's no reason why respect can't be in a casual sex relationship, in fact, it needs to be. Obviously they're being used for sex, that the whole point of casual sex. If casual sex is all she's looking/asking for, she can take precautions to not catch feelings. besides, casual sex is better at a younger age, because men are pieces shit and only care about their dicks, so there's not much of a point in expecting much of a relationship out of them.

I dont think thats what they were trying to say at all i just get mad when older people make a big thing out of little ones your all the reason things are weird for girls my age like seriously why do yoy care about being respectsd? Chances are most boys are the reason you are disrespected not because you want sex this is a big reson why we have been second to boys all these years is thinking like this. If guys go out and have random sex, why cant we? I agree with WaterBaby

Right? Boys don't give a shit even at 20 years old. You can have been together for 3 years and they'll stil use you. Husband shit should wait until later. Some of the things said sound like they came directly off of those pamphlets they give you in your 6th grade-sophomore year of high school sex ed classes. A lot of the sex you think is "meaningful" is you thinking it's meaningful and him getting himself off. Your life doesn't spiral out of control because you have casual sex. It's you having a sex life while not having to maintain a relationship, because maybe you don't have time for one, because of work or school or both, or you just don't fucking want one. Which is fine. Completely fucking fine. Obviously be careful and use a condom and whatever else form of birth control. Sex is fun and normal, some people don't want to be tied to a relationship where it can hurt if it doesn't work out. That's real life, honey, not what conservative sex ed teachers feed you so you won't have sex before marriage. And this whole "what self-respecting woman would want that?" sorry, but that's bull. A woman can respect herself and suck 20 dicks in one week. There seems to be some kind of stigma that women aren't allowed to enjoy sex as much as men, when we do.

All the jumped up extremist feminists on this forum... ?'who WANTS to be respected??' ?Well you just won the dumbest comment on the internet until trump tweets next.

You are nearly all too busy ranting about how she has the same rights to fuck up her life and mental state just like any guy. ?Woohoo, setting that bar really high girls! ?Alternatively you could read what she ACTUALLY said.

The OP is worried because to HER sex has been special and meaningful, and if she just has casual sex she worries SHE will regret it. And she would. ?Because her belief is that it should be meaningful.

The reason WHY she doesn't want a meaningful relationship again we don't know, as the OP doesn't expand on it, but clearly she is hurting from the breakup. Maybe something unwanted happened sexually or made her feel inferior. In that case a casual 'relationship' using each other for sex is going to exacerbate and bury the issue. It sounds very much like she is trying to put a quick fix bandaid on a large emotional wound, not giving it a chance to heal. My advice would be at least to be honest about motivations with herself, and to leave it a while. If she still feels like it after that, well, we all have our own life choices to make.

The fact you lack the capacity for empathy does in no way invalidate my point. Just remember that not everyone is an emotional vacuum for whom sex is merely a physical act. ?Also stop assuming anyone more intelligent than you needs googles help hahaha. ?Not my fault you don't read.?

 

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