What to do when you're bad at sex?

Hey everyone, so I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions to get better at sex. I'm married and basically avoided all sexual contact in my early life, and in the beginning of our relationship me and my husband had great sex, but now it's not fun. I have pain because I can't get turned on and I just don't get excited about sex. I feel like maybe part of it is my husband as well because it can't just be all me lol. I've talked to him about it and he says it's hard because he can tell I'm in pain so he doesn't enjoy it much, but he also doesn't want to do 20 min of foreplay before having sex. Does anyone have any recommandations? Thank you in advance!

Pick up some his & hers KY Jelly, you will both like it. It really works great as a lube for these times when you are not all that turned on if you know what I mean.

Foreplay is necessary, it is unrealistic to think that having penetration with nothing before hand will feel good, it wont. it doesn't have to be 20 minutes but at least a couple minutes of oral or manual stimulation will make a difference. You could also invest in some lube, Astrogilde is my favorite.
It can be tough when you have been together for a while to get back that spark but it's not impossible. Trying different/new things (positions, fetishes etc.) can also help.

Thank you both for responding! I've tried Astroglide but don't like how messy it is. I guess that's better than pain though! Is KY Jelly as messy as other lubes? I might go back to condoms as well since sometimes those help.

That moment when someone thinks 20 minutes of foreplay boring and too LONG, when you consider 1 hour just more or less enough... I just caught BSOD, lol

Do you guys ever thought that for a girl foreplay is a must-have part of the whole proccess?
Well, seriously, try to do MUCH more foreplay. Excite each other, undress slowly, be temptive. Or shy, that works just as well :)
I started my sexual life only recently, so maybe after 4 years me and my boyfriend will not be THAT excited by each other, but for now I am sure that after very long and intense foreplay I get orgasms every time, even though he don't last very long :)
Oh, and by the way... May the problem be in the... Well, frequency? If you force youself every day, then it will make a difference when you simply tease each other for a week or more, and then go for it with eager!


it is unrealistic to think that having penetration with nothing before hand will feel good

"before hand" - sometimes I just adore English :D

@AriannaKay lube is lube, it's sticky and slimy lol. If you find it to be messy you can put it on just him before penetration.
Just another thing to add, you aren't getting excited about sex because you (and your body) don't associate it with anything positive. If he put more effort into making it more pleasurable for you then you would be happier to do it more. Most men are too dense to get this and just think about themselves when it comes to sex.

@iderrisai hahaha I smiled a bit when I wrote that.

Thank you ladies for your replies! They're very helpful; I haven't had an orgasm so far and I think it's a combination of being scared I'll pee, the uncomfortableness, and just the expectation that I have to but can't. The time I've gotten closest was actually not during penetration, but just rubbing against each other naked. I know a lot of women don't orgasm from penetration alone, and since I haven't had much experience with masturbation then I'm not sure where my "sweet spots" are. We haven't had sex in over a month and I finally went off the pill so I think I'll get some condoms since I'm on some meds that would be bad for a baby, but otherwise we wouldn't mind getting pregnant. Anyways, we're supposed to try today so I'll let you ladies know how it went... and does anyone else feel awkward buying condoms? Lol I know it's not a bad thing but it just seems awkward to walk around with it and bring it to the cashier.

Girl! You need to get some serious alone time! You need to figure out what you like and what feels best so you can tell him! Also, you aren't going to pee, sometimes the beginning of an orgasm feels like building up of pressure. If you are really worried just go right before.

I'm going to suggest, take a step back, and look at the bigger picture, because I sense there's something else going on.

I hear that your goal is to get better at sex.

avoided all sexual contact in your early life

in the beginning of your relationship you had great sex

you no longer get excited about sex.

Yet you continue to have sex, even though you don't enjoy it anymore. That part makes me suspect, that you feel sex is an obligation, like it's part of the marriage contract, which in turn leads me to guess that you may have the Guardian personality type, and/or you are from a conservative part of the country, and may be caught up in the Rigid Survival Pattern, where there is One Right Way of doing everything.

Only you can say what personality type you identify with, and what Survival Pattern if any you identify with.

I suggest have a look at the following issue of the Keirsey magazine, and start on page 38 where it describes what sex is for each of the 4 personality types (Idealist, Guardian, Artisan, Rational. The descriptions are rather short.) See which one you identify with.

Also see which of the four personality types your husband identifies with. He may identify with a different personality type.

The most common personality types are Guardian: 50%, and Artisan: 35%. (The other two are: Idealist: 10%, Rational: 5%)

For more on the 4 basic personality types you may have a look at the website?http://www.keirsey.com/. There look under the menu heading "The Four Temperaments" for a brief description of the four personality types (which they technically call "temperaments"). (This is good to know if you and your husband have different personality types, as it will help you to understand the fundamental differences between you. And/or, if you have children, it will help you better understand them, as one or more of them will probably have a personality type that is fundamentally different from your own. This is further explained in the book Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey. (The II means 2nd edition)).

For the Rigid Survival Pattern there is a Kindle book:?The Rigid Pattern: Part Five of The 5 Personality Patterns (2016)?by Steven Kessler, (it's only $4, or you may purchase the whole book:?The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity (2016)?by Steven Kessler)

(Even though his book is titled The 5 Personality Patterns, I think a more proper title would be The 5 Survival Patterns, as it describes 5 survival patterns people may develop, supposedly during early childhood, when faced with overwhelming situations.)

A confession at this point: I am unable to tell the difference between the Guardian Temperament and the Rigid Survival Pattern, even though I suspect they are two different things. (I'm not a friggin psychologist or anything! I've just read a lot of books!) Being a Guardian is fine, people are born that way and meant to be that way; whereas having the Rigid Survival Pattern because one believes in the Church of the One Right Way is a bad thing which crushes one's life, and one side effect is sex can become a painful obligation.

"Another important area of exploration for rigid-patterned people is surrendering into pleasurable sensations and learning to value something "just because it feels good." This area includes exploring playfulness, fun, joy, and silliness. For some rigid-patterned people, silliness can be almost terrifying, since it is impossible to do it properly."

"One man said one of his teachers told him, 'Your spiritual path is to learn to tolerate pleasure.'"

(One other note: In the description of the Rigid Survival Pattern, the author talks about people who communicate using words only and not body language, which is also a description of people who have Asperger's Syndrome, so the author may be mixing the two here.)

I can't say if any of the above is helpful or not.

It's also possible the problem is simply 20 minutes of foreplay isn't what a Guardian really wants. As the above cited Kerisey magazine article notes, Guardians expect a whole lot of predictable stuff to happen hours or even days beforehand, and maybe that stuff isn't happening. (See pg. 41)

[Yes when I buy condoms I feel like grabbing the store microphone and yelling, "YES! I AM BUYING CONDOMS BECAUSE I AM GOING TO HAVE SEX!" actually I just want people to think I'm having sex, when truthfully I haven't had any for way too long because I'm single and it's just easier to buy condoms than it is to find a date. I may be doing things in the wrong order.]

Alegnatm, I agree that I should figure out what feels good so I'll be able to tell him. I actually wish he was smaller because I've been using dilators to try and stretch myself out and the smaller ones feel a lot better and I'm able to feel more pleasure with it since there's no pain. My husband isn't giant or anything but the circumference is pretty big, so I feel a burning/tearing during sex.

Del677, thank you for taking the time to write your response! I like your little comment on buying condoms at the end. ;) I tried looking at the links but couldn't find much so I googled the personality test and I'm an Idealist. It reminds me of the Myers Briggs Personality test. How do I find out what I'm like sexually?

We finally had sex today! And I do feel like "ok good, now I won't have to that again for a while" and was waiting for him to finish. It still hurt and there were some parts that felt good but mainly it was painful, and we tried foreplay. :/ I feel like something is wrong with me... Sex is supposed to feel good and it used to, but now it doesn't and I don't know why. Has anyone else ever had this problem? I love my husband and we have a great relationship so I don't think it's a subconcious thing, I've been to the doctor about it and she said I'm red down there but that it's just my muscles tightening. Should I just continue with the dialators until I don't feel the pain?

Thank you AriannaKay.

An Idealist! That's wonderful!

It also means I was totally wrong!(I love it when I'm wrong!)

Here's the excerpt for the Idealist in case you missed it. (Your husband might find this useful.)

For the Idealist,
(generally speaking),
sex is "Emotional..."
It's all about connecting at the deepest levels. Sex
for Idealists is all about the romance. It's soulful,
beautiful, tender, intimate, and even spiritual. Sex
without love feels empty and meaningless. It takes
more than just hormones. For Idealists, their heart
needs to be touched, their emotions needs to be
stirred. Sex is an expression of themselves, and it's
about bonding. It's about becoming one with some-
one, sharing in each other's essence. It's to love,
and to be loved deeply. It's to be enthralled, fully
immersed, and overtaken. An orgasm is an expe-
rience where body, heart, soul, and mind climax
together in harmony; where feelings are not just
physical, but intensely engage the spirit. It is not
totally uncommon for Idealists to cry in delight, or
to be overwhelmed with emotion when they are
having sex. And that's because the experience is far
more than just sex. It's far more than just pleasure.
Every touch, every glance, and every gesture means
something more. Idealists are sentimental, and so
sex is really an overflow and culmination of love for
each other. It's the organic integration of everything
between two people. It's merging one's ideality with
another's to create the dream that's meant to be.
It's about surrendering to destiny as you journey

Here's a link to an issue about Idealist people. They are very special! And somewhat rare!

As for the painful sex thing, forget everything I posted before, that's all wrong. (Oh, and yes, Keirsey does build on Myers-Briggs. I think he mentions their contribution near the beginning of his book when he talks about this history.)

Anyway, I'll just throw out the only diagnosis I'm familiar with, having known someone who had this, which is the only reason I happen to have heard of it. It's at least a starting point. Your reply made me think of this possibility:


I also came across this article. However, I quickly glanced at it and I didn't think there's anything useful in it:
Painful intercourse (dyspareunia)

Good luck! I do hope you and your husband can find a workable solution! Romance shouldn't be painful!

When I went to the doctor she did an exam and said I have female dyspareunia, but to me that seems like a "duh" statement since all she basically did was diagnose me with pain during sex, which was the reason I came. O.o I forgot about it, but she asked if I wanted to see a physical therapist and I said yes but then realized my work schedule wouldn't allow it so I checked and it seemed like they would do the same thing a dialator kit would do, which is why I bought that. I'm going to try and remember to dialate and see if that helps. Thank you all for your help! I'll check back. :)

(That's so funny she diagnosed you with a symptom!)

Somewhere I recall seeing a short animated video on?Endometriosis. Maybe it was on YouTube, or maybe it was on WebMD. Somewhere it said it was like having taffee sticking organs together that shouldn't be glued together. It made sex painful. Also could be intermittent. Very annoying.

Since sex was great for a while, if it's been gradually been getting worse, ?

Do you think if I had endometriosis the doctor would have seen it though? I thought I'd update with some more information about my issue... so I already mentioned sex was going good for the first year or so, then it got more painful and I become more worried each time because I expect pain, which tenses my muscles, which makes it more painful. I have an anxiety disorder as well so maybe it's tied into that? Because of it I very rarely want to have sex, and when I get "in the mood" I don't do anything because i still expect pain. I tried touching myself to find out what feels good but nothing does lol. Is there something seriously wrong with my head or something? Sex is supposed to be a basic urge and I'm scared of it. Also, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it or not but when we started sex I thought I was more attractive, and almost seeing myself would help me get "excited." Now I've gained some weight and don't find my body that sexy (hubby likes it no matter what though) so maybe that's also part of it? What do you ladies think? How do you think I can get over it? Once I can actually have pain free sex I'll ask for tips on how to be better but first I need to actually succeed in doing it. ;)

Thank you for writing. Hmm, well, this is a tough one.

Sex was good for a year, so, you know what good sex is like. Then it became painful, which isn't normal.

On top of that you have an anxiety disorder. Yes that is definitely a problem, with or without sex.

Well, I can only take a guess, so, after the standard disclaimer of I'm not a doctor and I don't know you very well so definitely take that into consideration that I may not know what I'm talking about, [insert smiley face here]

I'm going to guess that,

Initially sex was good and normal,
Then something went wrong with your body and sex became painful,
Then you "learned" that sex was painful and began to "expect" that sex would be painful, which certainly didn't help the anxiety, and didn't help the libido,
And when you tried experimenting with yourself to find out what felt good, you found nothing felt good,
Which helps confirm that there's something wrong with your body,
And you are now rightly scared of sex, because it's painful,
And sex should not be painful,
Definitely sex should not be painful!
Doctor's gotta fix your body so sex isn't painful!

Until then, I suggest, just, maybe ask hubby for a reprieve, and pleasure him in other ways that won't be painful to you. Otherwise, painful sex is going to damage your brain. Your brain is going to associate sex with pain, and wire the two concepts together, and that is going to F you up, so, best not to go down that rabbit hole, as that will be a hard one to unwire. (I'm pretty sure it can be done. It just seems like something one would never want to have happen to their brain in the first place.)

I'm not sure how one diagnoses endometriosis. I get the impression it's either done through some sort of imaging technique, like ultrasound, or MRI, or whatever fancy "this is how we magically see inside you nowadays" thingie; or a surgeon cuts you open and peeks inside, (maybe with a tiny hole and one of those TV cameras on a flexible tube); or the doctor says, "Does it hurt if your husband sticks his penis inside you? Yes? Well then, you might have endometriosis." (which really isn't much of a diagnosis, but it might make you feel better knowing it's not all in your mind.)

In this case I think the pain is real and there's something wrong with your body. I don't think it's just all in your mind. Sex was good, then it became bad. I don't see how anxiety could cause localized pain like that. I can see how pain could cause anticipation of more pain and less desire to do more of the same thing. Weight gain doesn't make sex painful. Anxiety doesn't make sex painful. Endometriosis makes sex hurt like hell.

I guess this is where we find out if your husband married you for more than just sex.

Best wishes!

Oh, and for curing anxiety, the treatments I know of, are treatments which reach the midbrain, where the emotions are located. Basically the idea is to use the brain to rewire the brain, to unwire the anxiety. (Sounds good and easy in writing at least. I have only moderate experience with this. I've read a lot of books on brain neuroplasticity.) Practice different types of meditation, focusing the mind, focusing on the present moment, try guided meditations, such as the "Headspace" app, or any guided meditations, try various types of Yoga, or Qi-Gong, or Tai-Chi, which are meditative motion exercises. Great if you can find groups to do this in. There's something called "Therapeutic Yoga" that's relaxing, sort of a Mindfulness Meditative Yoga relaxing thing. You can try researching Polyvagal Theory, or the Sympathetic Nervous System and the Parasympathetic Nervous System. They're all just very long I don't know who came up with these terms but they basically mean "Relax", which is a really good thing to learn how to activate the body's "Relax" mode. (Take time to relax! Give the brain some R&R!)

why is he not willing to do foreplay?? That is extrememly selfish of him.? Would more foreplay help turn you on?
It sounds to me like both of you have just turned sex into a chore and not the exciting fun thing it used to be.? You need to talk to him about spicing things up...both of you need to be more open about what would please the other.

I'm very new to sexual experience, but I'm not new to reading about it. I love reading online erotica to get ideas for things I want to do in the future with my man. I have some ideas for you, I hope they help!
1) Go out on a date. Take each other to a fancy restaurant and just spend time together. As the night comes to a close, start some foreplay. Casually touch him, rub his thigh, pretend to scratch your collarbone and expose some skin or part of a bra, reach into his pocket and take something out, or put something in. Talk dirty and get him worked up, then he'll want to do the same to you. On the ride home play him up a bit. I personally find it very sexy touching my man. I love distracting him and watching as he gets excited for me. When he's turned on, I'm definitely turned on.
2) Read stories. http://literotica.com/ has some amazing stories. Since you said you avoided sexual contact and you don't really know what you like, try reading about different things. That website has EVERYTHING. I guarantee you'll find something you want to try with your hubby. You said you have a good relationship, so it shouldn't be a problem telling him you want to try new things.
3) Ask some girlfriends. If you've got married friends, ask their advice. It's best to get all kinds of advice, and decide which advice to take.
4) Just have fun! The girls above me are right in their advice. It really sounds like this has just been made into a chore for you. Don't think about it as just sex, make it fun! Be spontaneous, be dirty, be sweet, be slow. Do anything you want! Don't schedule a day or time to have sex. Think of it as making love, or being intimate. I hate calling it "sex" because it just sounds so distant and common. When I tell my man I want to be with him, I always call it different, fun names. Also, try different places. Are you just trying it on your bed? Go to the bathroom, take a shower together, take a bath together, go out on the back deck or patio. Heck, buy a hammock and make love on the hammock. It's getting stale because it's probably getting routine. If you two lay down at night and just think, "Alright, let's get this over with" of COURSE you're not going to enjoy it! It's not a chore, it's an amazing bonding experience with someone you love! Treat it as such!

Thank you all so much for your responses! Del677, I love reading all your insights and find them extremely helpful! Spidergirl, you helped with the question I was just about to ask lol.?

I have an update! I was able to have pain-free sex with my hubby today! :D I think it's because I've been using my dilating kit everyday so I only felt pain for a few seconds in the beginning but then it got better. Plus I've been reading a Christian book about sex and praying about it, and it helps me realize that sex isn't "bad." I grew up learning to avoid sex at all costs until you're married and I actually had sex with my husband before being married so I think there was some guilt and psychological things going on as well. While I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel much at all actually lol unless he got really deep. I'm guessing some new positions will help with that, which brings me to my next question: how to have more exciting and pleasurable sex. Spidergirl, this is where your response helps already. :) I plan to try some of your suggestions, but does anyone else have tips? We're generally excited about trying new positions but a lot of them require us to be more flexible or have more strength than we do. There are only so many ways you can insert a penis into a vagina, so does anyone have a favorite position? My husband has mentioned that his favorite thing I've done in the past is to blindfold him on a chair and I used my mouth and hands and then finally sat on him, so I might try something like that again. Any ideas will help! Currently our routine is just missionary, me on top, and sometimes doggie.

:) I'm so glad you had pain-free sex!

It's hard to say if it's physical or mental.

I'll be glad if the pain never comes back.

(It might come back though. I would certainly like to be wrong about the endometriosis. I don't know if it can be an intermittent thing.)

I do love the post by Spidergirl. :)

I'm glad you found a Christian book that says sex is OK.

(I've noticed Christianity seems to be split into two sides, Conservative Christianity, and Liberal Christianity. Conservative Christianity is all about being strict, looking outwards for guidance, following the rules, and obeying, out of fear. Liberal Christianity is all about nurturing, looking inwards for guidance, following one's heart, having compassion, out of love.

I personally prefer the Liberal Christianity. Because there is no correct way to be silly. There is no correct way to have fun. A God I fear is not a God I want to worship. It's impossible to have a loving relationship with God if I fear him, by trying to endlessly appease him. It's impossible to find God that way, by running away from him.

My concept of God has evolved, and probably will continue to evolve. I don't want people to worship my God, I want people to seek out God for themselves.

I suggest, if you're interested, there's a book titled The Rigid Pattern: Part Five of The 5 Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler (or you can get the whole book: The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity by Steven Kessler. Personally I would title the book The 5 Survival Patterns, since that is what it really talks about. Being "perfect" by following The One Right Way is what the author calls the "Rigid Survival Pattern". It basically is a way of dealing with a deep insecurity, and the survival strategy to deal with this deep insecurity and fear is to be "perfect". Only it doesn't work. It's like a dog chasing his own tail. You can never achieve the goal.

Fortunately the book does give some advice on how to get out of this survival pattern.

It says, first recognize when you're following the Rules of some outside authority, rather than referencing your own felt sense for guidance.

You need to focus on your feelings and sensations as the source of your inner guidance.

(Note: Morality doesn't come from some external source. Morality is based in our emotions. We need to be in touch with our emotions in order to be moral individuals. God gave us feelings and emotions to guide us. They are there to guide us. They're our inner compass. We need to get in touch with our inner feelings and emotions.)

The book says, "People need to feel loved and cherished just for their beingness, without having to do anything. To heal, they have to move toward feelings, rather than forms and rules. Their developmental tasks are to learn to feel and value their own feelings and needs, to trust their own feelings as their source of inner guidance, and to allow the full flow of their force energy to move through their body."

There are also books on Christian Meditation. Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God." This is the kind of mental exercise that helps one focus. It helps tune the brain. The better sex then just comes naturally. It's the same principle as the blindfold. The blindfold forces one to focus on the other senses. Focusing one's attention. I suggest browse the books on Christian Meditation. Try it for one minute a day. For one minute a day, just be still, silent, and feel, hear, sense, notice, and believe that God is nurturing, kind, loving, caring.

I have a hard time quieting my mind because of my anxiety, but I will try the meditation! I've tried some apps too and sometimes they're helpful, sometimes not. As far as the sex and pain, I'm thinking that whether it's mental or physical doesn't matter as long as it's fixed lol. By dilating I can get used to something inside me and my brain naturally tells me that since I've been practicing, it will be better. So I don't have the anxiety about pain anymore since I believe there won't be any. The mind is definitely a powerful thing, I think I just needed that physical aspect as well to believe it.

Ironically enough, I've been wanting to have sex more but my husband just had eye surgery and so he's not in the mood since he's still in a lot of pain. Once he gets better though I'm ready to instigate more exploring, and I'll let you all know how that goes. ;)?

And Spidergirl, I've really been interested in that hammock idea lol.


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