4 years later he tells me "No Kids."

I don't want to make my boyfriend sound like a bad guy, because he's not. But at some point I feel like two people in a relationship need to meet in the middle. Fortunately, for the most part we want the same things in life. Except for kids. We have been dating for just over 4 years and I knew he wasn't the biggest fan of kids but he didn't have the best childhood either. I figured he was maybe scared to make the same mistakes as his parents.He's made comments about how we could raise a child in our current house. And then the other night it was straight up, no discussion, end of story "I am not having children. If you want kids it;s not going to be with me. If we need to break up then let's just do it instead of dragging it out."

Now, I know that sounds bad, but again, as a kid he wasn't really given much love and affection. He'd get yelled at for just about anything. Need new shoes because you're a growing kid and your feet are hanging out? His parents: "Are you effing kidding? Shoe's are expensive! It's not about getting the latest trend!!!" I'm not saying it's an excuse, but I'm trying to give a short quick version.

Here are the things that I Have given up for him: I moved 2 hours away from my friends and family, I left a job that I absolutely loved!!, I've been working jobs here for cheap because unless you have a college education you're not making much here in the country. Anyway, we got a cat together, but he isn't exactly an animal lover, especially cats, and I was scared for the cat. Again, I know that sounds bad! We got a dog together, and being a puppy she did puppy things and he just wasn't nice to her. He never physically hurt her, but he did back out of helping to pay for her or help take care of her. Anyway, I feel like I am the one who is always compromising. So when he says he doesn't want to have kids and I can't get him to open up and talk about it.... it's like, okay, where do I draw the line? I want him to get "IT", to understand where I am coming from. And I understand that kids aren't a "compromise", but if it really comes from a place of fear of being like his parents then that can' be worked through. If it's a hatered for kids, then yeah, no kids....

When is it too much? And how do you throw away over 4 years of your life with someone??

I was in a 4 year relationship that was ended because we just wanted different things out of life, it happens, especially if you start dating young before you've figured out what you want in life.
Myself being a dog lover I could never be with someone who I would be afraid for the animal with them.
I think you are due for a blunt conversation about what you both want for your future and then you can go from there.

I'm going to guess you have the Guardian personality type, because you want children, and family is important to you, and the way?you make sacrifices.?I'll bet you're good at logistics, making lists, keeping track of appointments, you have a calendar hanging on the wall which you write down important dates on such as birthdays and appointments, and you cross off the days on the calendar as they go by,?you post photos of your family around the home and office and on the refrigerator, you carry postage stamps with you in your purse because you're always prepared,?you base your self-esteem on being dependable and reliable, you trust authority,?you like to stick with the tried and true, follow the rules, do everything by the book, you're a pillar of the community, and if we didn't have people like you our whole society would collapse.

And I'll guess, and this is somewhat of a Sherlock Holmes blind deduction thing here, I could be wrong, only you can say, I'm already guessing you have the Guardian personality type, and I could be wrong about that, but 50% of the population have the Guardian personality type, so from a purely statitical perspecitive it's at least a possibility; anyway, I'm going to guess your boyfriend does not have the Guardian personality type, because otherwise he would want to have children regardless of his childhood, because that's just?what Guardians do; the other 3 possibilities are Rational, 5% of the population, unlikely they would move to the country, because they want to be in the city where all the intellectual stuff is happening; Idealist, 10% of the population, again unlikely because they would be very in tune with your spiritual needs and desires; which leaves the most likely personality, the Artisan. So I'm guessing your boyfriend has the Artisan personality type, and you are attracted to him because he is fun and playful and impulsive and that balances out your Guardian play by the rules and have everything be predictable. He's?good at thinking on his feet and finding creative solutions to real time problems and he enjoys working with his hands and working with tools and?he probably is in good physical condition and enjoys working out and he bases his self-esteem on his physical performance, so to compliment him praise his performance.?If he creates something, it's not so much what he created, as his enjoyment of the act of creating it. Artisans?have?the "action seeking" personality, the "Sensation Seeking" personality. Whereas Guardians?have the "Safety Seeking" personality. Guardians seek "to belong".

The Guardian / Artisan pairing is very common, since Guardians make up 50% of the population, and Aritsans make up 35% of the population.

Understanding the fundamental differences between?Guardians and Artisans is key to understanding what motivates them, how to compliment them, since they base their self-esteem on different things, what they ultimately seek in life, (action or safety), what they are ultimately focused on, (fun or family), and it gives insight into how to communicate with them in a way which will resonate with their core values.

Artisans have a quality that they will not be tied down.?They must be free to take on whatever new fun challenge comes their way. Some people say they have the "Peter Pan Syndrome" in that they never grow up, they are always like playful children, even as they grow old, which is either good or bad, depending on your point of view.?A child might be thought of as a fearful commitment that would tie them down, preventing them from being free. You might have a chance if you can probe this fear and see if that's it. Then again, you might end up with a child and a husband who leaves you.

Guardians definitely want a family. That's just ingrained in their personality DNA. They also want to have fun, like everyone. So a fun boyfriend is definitely an attraction.

But fun you have to make sacrifices for, well,...

And Artisans don't keep score the way Guardians do. Guardians are good at keeping score. You make a sacrifice, he ought to recognize that and be willing to do likewise. The methaphor of "balance" comes into play. Guardians believe there ought to be balance, a relationship requires sacrifice and compromise and we all lovingly work our way towards a common goal for the "family". Artisans on the other hand don't think that way. Aritsans always think in the present moment only. It's always "How can I have fun right now." The past is gone, the future isn't here yet, all that matters is the present moment, right here, right now, let's have fun.
Here are some secret links to some good article sections that might be interesting on the 4 personality types:How To Argue With A Mate
Part 2: Artisan Mates
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz40.asp

http://​http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/index.asp
dating:
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz1.asp
college:
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/cz10.asp
jobs:
(here's Finding Your Passion or What Makes a Job Right for You?)
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/wz2.aspHopefully the articles on dating will give an idea of how relationships can go depending on the different pairings of personalities.
?I just saw this great video by?Jason Silva?=13.3333px?explain how when a relationship ends, your whole identity can dissolve, because our identity was tied up in that relationship.How We See Ourselves Through The Eyes Of Others
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mykdIUyLPD4
Ultimately I can't tell you what to do with your boyfriend. That's up to you and him. Hopefully if my guess about the Guardian / Artisan pairing is correct then I've given you some info on how to better understand him, why he has a fundamentally different personality, is motivated in fundamentally different ways, ultimately seeks fundamentally different goals, processes the world in fundamentally different ways. It's probably what made him initially attractive, and the very same thing is now what makes him not so?attractive.?Have a look at the link above:?"How To Argue With A Mate?Part 2: Artisan Mates".

I'm glad you see him as not good or bad, but just different and human. Hopefully you can appreciate the past 4 years because they were fun (since that's what Artisans specialize in, and he had fun and enjoyed being?with you), and you are free to decide where you want to go from here. Take your time. Talk it over with people who are good at listening. Find a quiet place and query?your feelings.

Best wishes!

Well if you really want kids and he really doesn't, I have to say he's right, it would be better to break up now. That's easy for me to say I know but, I also think it's true. Good luck!!

 

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment