Relationship ruined by Anxeity

Hi! I used to be on this website a LOT when I was younger. I remember it being very helpful, while I realize a lot of you are probably younger, I also remember there being some older people on here as well - I'm 24 and in hopes I will get some good advice. Anyway, here goes:
?My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months. I loved him (still do), he loved me,when we were good, we were really good. He did so much for me and was just probably the most awesome boyfriend I've ever had. I saw a full future with him. The issue though... I have bad anxeity, especially bad RELATIONSHIP anxeity. In the past, my bio father told me when I was 7, he didn't love me and I was a mistake, the father of my child was a total jerk and I eneded up having to leave him for the sake of my daughter and me, my last serious boyfriend, before this one, ended up cheating on me with his baby's mom and was posting his penis all over craigslist in the personal ads, looking for hook ups. I've been ghosted a couple times and just down right used. I have done a really bad job at choosing men, and I finally found a super amazing man. Due to my past, I ended up with very low self esteem, insecurities, and trust issues. Major trust issues. I explained this to my boyfriend a little bit and he said he understood. He was really awesome about it in the beginning. But I was starting to get really bad. Accusing him, questioning him, and getting annoyed with him if he wasn't calling or responding to my text messages. I was automatically assuming he was doing something wrong...he NEVER gave me a reason to think so, but my anxeity just took over. I was becoming co-dependent on my boyfriend, when before him (the 2 years I chose to be single) I was extremely independent and in every day life I am super independent. But it started to get to the point that if he wasnt with me I was angry or worried. ?I recently lost my job due to my anxeity and not being able to perform well in my position. I realize it is taking over my life and I have my first appointment with my councelor on Friday. I am getting help. This is the first step and I realize it. Anyway, he and I got into a week long argument over something I now see was completely dumb, and he broke up with me. I was/ am devestated. He said he just needs some space and that he doesn't really know what he wants right now, but he's just trying to get happy and this is what he thinks he needs right now. ?I have recently asked my ex if he is willing to go through this healing process with me while I work on myself and get my school and small business going, and he does whatever he wants to do,when we're not planning on being together. His response was " Idk I'm just trying to figure out what I should do right now and trying to get a bunch of sh*t done, I just don't know if I want to put myself back into that spot i it is gonna keep happening" I replied with basically saying I am going to get the help I need and I have realized a lot of what I was doing now and that I want to be a changed person and work on us while I work on me. ?He said " I'll talk to you but I'm not saying I'm gonna come running back or anything cause I'm not gonna sit there and get accused of things I never did and I don't want to end up in the situation I was in. I'll talk to you and se what happens" then after some back and fourth he said "I'm not saying we're getting back together or anything I'm just saying we can talk and see what happens" UGH. I am so confused. He won't give me a straight answer. At first he was saying he needed space and didn't know what he wanted. Now, he's saying he will talk to me, but isn't willing to come back. I realize I can't make him do anything but he's being really plain. He won't talk about how he feels and won't come out with a black or white answer. I don't want to continue talking to him and hanging on for no reason. I guess my biggest question though is, have any of you lost love due to anxeity - received help- and gotten him back, either while or after you were healing and working on yourself? I need to know that there might be a chance to be a changed woman and make it work with him. I absoutely love him and saw so much potential in my future with him. He said the same about me, until he just couldn't handle it anymore. My friends say he is a coward and not to initiate getting back together ever because they are afraid he would just do it again if we had issues again, but I don't think people with out anxeity understand the extent of how bad I got. No one wants to stay with someone who is becoming toxic. and I don't blame him, but this is why I am getting help. I don't know any advice would be helpful. Thanks ladies!

Thank you for writing! I have been around for a while myself and I will attempt to impart all the knowledge I have that might be useful to you.?

I hear severe anxiety, run away anxiety, so, you don't feel safe. You have?very low self esteem, insecurities, and trust issues. Major trust issues.

You are 24, have a daughter, are a single mother, congratulations on that, as being a single mother you certainly deserve credit for and recognition for all the achievement of that, and that certainly can be a source of stress, and too much stress can lead to run away anxiety and can spiral out of control.

Don't worry I'll try and map out the landscape as best I know.

I see you've had some relationships with men, who I'm going to assume were really good a seducing women into bed and making them feel good until they got what they wanted and once they got what they wanted, which was basically "fun", they moved on to the next woman, and basically you discovered that "fun" was all they were, they were not really "security" in any sense of the word, and, forgive me if I'm guessing here, you need to feel safe and secure, you need someone you can trust and count on, ?but all these men offered was seduction and "fun".

And you've got this one guy now, who's really great, but you've been really anxious, and he doesn't know how to deal with that, so he's decided to pull back for now and give you some distance.

OK I can't address your relationship with this guy. I'm just going to set that aside for now. Sorry, I know that's probably what you most want, is a quick fix involving him. Instead, I'll draw out a map that's a bit longer.

Tools that I know of that may be of use to address this:
1. The 5 Survival Strategy Patterns.
2. The 4 Personality Types.
3. Calming the mind (unwiring the anxiety).

1. The 5 Survival Strategy Patterns.
I'm currently reading this wonderful book on this subject. The actual title is?The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity?by Steven Kessler (2016). It really describes 5 survival patterns people can end up in if they encounter traumatic conditions during early childhood development.

The first survival pattern is called the Leaving Pattern. This is where the individual decides at a very early age it's not safe being here on earth, it's not safe being in their own body, and they try to leave their own body and enter some other realm or astral plane. They can talk to trees and flowers, and the trees and flowers talk back to them.

The second survival pattern is called "The Merging Pattern". It says, "The habit here is to shift attention away from the self and internal resources and toward others and external resources. ...her attention remains focused on her connection to others and on pleasing or manipulating others to get what she needs, instead of on developing her own internal capacities."

"On the low end of the spectrum, we have people who are totally caught in the pattern: it organizes them and rules their life. They have no capacity for self-referencing and no belief that their own actions can result in getting their needs met. When they have a need, they automatically pull on others to give them what they need, or, if that fails, they collapse in a puddle of tears."

"In the mid-range, we have people who still live within the worldview of the pattern, but who can, with guidance and support, reference themsevles and begin to act on their own behalf. They still automatically turn to and rely on others, but can allow their attention to be directed back to themselves and their own capacities."

"It's all about the connection. Only connection to someone else will fill you up. You can't do it for yourself. All you can do is try to get them to do it for you. But how can you do that? How can you get them to like you? How can you get them to give you what you need?"

"For the child who adopts the merging defense, ... she wound up feeling deprived and abandoned. For her, the sequence became:

I need → I ask → something bad happens → I feel worse.

"In order to mute the feelings of emptiness and longing inside her, she learns to abandon herself, that is, to shift her attention away from the core of her body, where these difficult feelings are strongeset. She learns to habitually avoid referencing herself and instead focus on referencing others."

"Notice that the defensive action here is not to withdraw attention from the body itself, as the leaving-patterned person does. Rether, it is to withdraw attention from the core of the body, where the felt sense of self develops, and instead put that attention on maintaining the connection to others. The defensive action here is to abandon self in the search for love."

"The attitude of anxious expectation also has consequences. As mentioned above, it inhibits the process of receiving. the chronic fear and tension in her body make it harder for her to take in and metabolize the love and nourishment that are available."

It further describes, "When she tries to get more energy.... the only method she knows is to get it from someone else's body. So she energetically plugs into someone near her and starts sucking. ... When you leave, she will naturally feel abandoned."

"So, merging-patterned people typically conclude that it is their neediness that leads to being rejected and abandoned, not their attempts to siphon off other people's energy."

"Instead of practicing "I can do it", they have practiced "I can get you to do it for me". They also have difficulty saying "No" when they need to.

OK that gives you a taste of The Merging Pattern survival strategy. Only you can say if you identify with it or not. You may purchase the book if you like. I think there may be a smaller book available just on The Merging Pattern if you want to save a little money.

It goes on to say: "Fears: The main thing that merging-patterned people fear is the empty feeling that arises when they are not connected with someone else. This makes them fear being alone, rejected, or abandoned." ... "Clinging: Merging-patterned people also try to get their needs by clinging for support: they find someone strong and then attach to that person. However, getting support this way leaves them feeling jealous if the connection is threatened, or needy if it is lost."

Romance
In the context of romantic relationships, the fear of being alone usually manifests itself as a tendency to go directly from one relationship to the next, with no alone time in between to digest the last relationship and grieve its ending. This behavior is usually accompanied by entering the new relationship too rapidly, without first getting to know the other person well enough to evaluate the match. In attempting to secure the new relationship, the merging-patterned person will typically over-accomodate her hew partner's needs and lose herself in the relationship. She will abandon her ususal interests and do only whatever her mate does, trying to be whoever her mate wants her to be. Ultimately, of course, this does not work, because her self-abandonment actually prevents the formation of a healthy, adult-t-adult connection. ... Similarly, merging-patterned people tend to fear that they will be abandoned by their lover. This fear may show up as panic attacks when separated."

The chapter goes on, and there's a section, "Getting Yourself Out of the Merging Pattern." and "Healing the Merging Pattern". And the chapter ends with the website, which I suppose I might as well include:?https://the5personalitypatterns.com/

(By the way, the Aggressive Survival Pattern is a perfect description of President Donald Trump. He is extremely insecure inside, and his survival strategy is to be very aggresive and insist that he is the most perfect perfect there ever was. This gives great insight into his severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It does not give any insight into the people who voted for him.)

With all that said on the possibility of the Merging Survival Pattern, which you may or may not identify with, I move on now to something completely different and unrelated, which is the 4 personality types, as identified in the book Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey. Knowing which type you are can be of great help in understanding yourself, and if you can figure out what type another person is, it can give insight into who they are and what motivates them.

For example, earlier I mentioned I was guessing all the men you met just wanted to have "fun", which is a key word for the Artisan personality type. They just want to have fun. The are the Sensation Seeking personality type. They are action seeking, Evel Knevel, climbing mountains, hang gliding, surfing, playing sports, always working with their hands, using tools, not necessarily smart, enjoy construction, ride a motorcycle, drive a pick up truck, drink beer, have tattoos. They base their self-esteem on their physical performance. (They may be very good in bed.) They are about 35% of the population.

Then there are the Guardians, Family oriented, good at making lists, always carry photos of their family and loved ones with them. They base their self-esteem on being dependable and reliable. They seek to belong. They are about 50% of the population.

Then there are the idealists. Gandhi. ?10%. They base their self-steem on being Authentic.

And there are the Rationals. Einstein. 5% They base their self-steem on being Competent.

The point here is if you have low self-steem, different people base their self-esteem on different things. What do you base your self-esteem on? That can help you figure out which personality type you have.

Here are some secret links to some good article sections that might be interesting on the 4 personality types:
http://​http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/index.asp
dating:
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz1.asp
college:
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/cz10.asp
jobs:
(here's Finding Your Passion or What Makes a Job Right for You?)
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/wz2.asp

Hopefully the articles on dating will give an idea of how relationships can go depending on the different pairings of personalities. This roadmap will hopefully make dating and relatinships less anxious and more understandable and even predictable. (Hint: if you want a steady reliable man, look for a Guardian type. Look for someone who has pictures of their family and loved ones on display in their home and office. Ask them to show you photos of their family. They'll have them readily available if they are a Guardian type. Also look for a calendar hanging on the wall. If They happen to cross off the days as they go by, they're a Guardian. (Not crossing off the days doesn't mean they are not a Guardian.) If they keep track of important dates on their calendar, they may be a Guardian. Guardians are looking for a "Helpmate". They are good at making lists.)

And finally, the last thing is Mindfulness Meditation (or Yoga, Qi-Gong, Tai-Chi). These are mind training exercises which will reduce anxiety. Reduce the anxiety and everything else will fall into place. You should still work with your therapist, and study the Merging Survival Pattern and see if you identify with that. It's by far the best explanation I've ever seen. (You can ask your therapist if she's read the book. She probably hasn't. She probably hasn't read David Keirsey either. But you might get lucky and maybe she has.) Bringing this out into the light makes it much easier to get a handle on it and deal with it.

Anyway, Mindfulness Meditation. I suggest try the app called "Headspace". The first 10 of the 10 minute guided meditations are free, and there are some short animated videos introducing a few of them which give the idea of how meditation works. You can install it on your cell phone. It's also available on your web browser. There are other guided meditations out there too. If you do meditation every day for 2 months it should start to ease your anxiety. The anxiety should start to abate. (Now, I don't know how it will work if you're also dealing with a Merging Survival Pattern. I suspect it should work well, but, all I can suggest is experiment.) I've read that scientists have done brain scans of people before starting meditation practice and then again after having done it a few months, and they can see physical changes, certain parts of the brain become stronger, translating to the person literally becomes less anxious. It's possible to use the brain to change the brain.

Alright. That is all the knowledge I have to impart! I have no idea if any of that will be of any use. I offer 2 books, some website links, and one app. Just a road map of some directions to explore. If the Merging Survival Pattern is close then the book gives some info on how to get out of that pattern. If it's not quite right, maybe it's a starting point, or at least the idea that there's a Survival Pattern there somewhere causing anxiety. Keirsey can help you understand what motivates you and others. Meditation can help ease anxiety, calm the mind, teach the mind to be in the present moment, which is a key to abating anxiety.

And that's all the tricks I know. Best wishes!

Hey there, I have anxiety/depression as well so I totally understand what you are going through.
My personal opinion is that asking him to enter this journey of healing is A LOT to ask of someone, this is not something that a few months of counseling fixes, anxiety doesn't go away it's just something you learn to manage and that can take a long time.
Between just your daughter and learning to manage your anxiety you'll have a full plate, adding a relationship to that will obviously add more to that.
I think you should just give him his space to really think about things and what he wants to do so that he makes the decision he wants rather than feeling pressured, that's just going to make things worse.
I really wish you the best of luck and hope you end up on a fast track to healing.

I just saw this great video by?Jason Silva on how we stabilize our identity.

"I am not who you think I am.
I am not who I think I am.
I am who I think you think I am."

"You meet somebody in who's eyes you end up finding yourself and anchoring yourself in their heart body and mind."

And he goes on to explain how when a relationship ends, your whole identity can dissolve, because our identity was tied up in that relationship.

How We See Ourselves Through The Eyes Of Others
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mykdIUyLPD4

His final advice is don't put all your eggs in one basket. i.e. make multiple friends, get to know multiple people.

Best wishes dburton. My heart goes out to you!

Hi... So I finally found a topic that suits my issue, and I am having huge trouble. I don't know who to turn to and it's getting so bad that I have come to this place... A girls forum. So here comes the story of Snooper Gurl, please, please help me out.

This problem started way, way back. I am in a relationship of about three years with a man of 27. I am 19, but he's a lot more immature than his age and I am a lot more grown up for my age. We meet in the middle, and though we had to fight friends and family to justify us being together, we stood our ground and are happy now.

Or were. Because our relationship has had a blow, and I haven't been able to recover yet.

About a year and a half ago I got his phone in my hands to text his mom, who we were going to visit, that we'd be late. He had given me his phone to do this while he quickly went to the toilet before leaving. As I was typing, one of those fb messenger bubbles popped up in his screen. A girl sending him a heart. Or a kissy smiley. I can't even remember exactly what, but it was a romantic emoji. I didn't even really think when I clicked it. I have always been curious, and though I had never EVER in any relationship checked my boyfriends phone, I wondered "who is this?", and clicked the messenger bubble.

What I found was unforgivable. He and her were shamelessly flirting. Saying they missed each other, how sexy they found eachother, asking when they'd go out to the city again together, the push and pull flirting with very clear sexual intention. I instantly lost it. In a panic rage I started checking more messages, and God, I found more. More girls. More flirting. "Dress up sexy so you can seduce me!", "If I didn't have a girlfriend... *kiss smiley*.
I didn't know any of these girls. None. And I was scared and shocked and in an instante state of crying.

I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. Where I panick cried and did the know what to do. I knew he horrible relationships in the past, that he had been cheated on and cheated himself, and the after his last relationship broke he had been a infamous Casanova wanted by so many girls in the town we live in. Everyone knows him. He is a pickup artist and to this day he is proud of his skill to charm and bend people to his will. I never thought bad of it, because I knew he loved me and didn't pursue others. Until this day. All of that got shattered to pieces in a second.

Crying in the bathroom I told a friend exactly what I had read and asked her what to do. We agreed the best thing was to come clean and tell him how much this hurt me. So I did. I came walking into the living room with cry eyes and shakey legs and told him what I had seen, and how I accidentally stumbled upon it. He wasn't mad. Just very quiet. And as I cried and did my story he agreed these messages crossed the line. He assured me that he'd never intended actually kissing these girls, or engaging in 'physical cheating', but that he had always had this urge for attention. That he is a sucker for attention and becomes pudding when a woman compliments him or flirts with him. That engaging and indulging in this kind of contact was almost compulsory. Because he wants that attention since he has always had horrible relationships in which he was never truly loved the way I loved him now. He'd never been in this deep in true love with a lady, but he had a hard time letting go of his previous ways. But he agreed that this was not okay, that he understood it hurt me, and that he agreed he shouldnt do it. So he promised to stop texting other women in this manner.

Good talk.

Life continued.

All was well for all east half a year or a year. Until one day, when I was using his phone to check out Pok?mon (it's stupid, I know) I suddenly had this urge to check his messages. It was so many, many months ago, and yet, I suddenly felt this. And I figured, what the heck, if I look and he's been faithful, well be fine, and if I look and he has not been faithful, we should talk because our relationship is building on false promises. So I checked. And again it all went wrong.

It wasn't even hard. Right there in my ga center they were. A lot less, but I found a girl he had been over the line flirtatious with.
"Hey, are you coming to poledancing tonight?! I miss you! "
"No, sorry. I can't today."
"How can we ever be together like this?! *kissy smiley winky smiley*
- response I can't remember -
"You can make it up to me by wearing your sexiest Poledance outfit next time. I want to be seduced by you!"

These are some phrases that are engraved in my mind.

For hours on end I just ignored him, was distant with him. I was extremely hurt and upset but also scared. I hadn't actually truly thought of the scenario in which I had to confront him.

But eventually, it spilled. And he got mad beyond belief. He screamed at me, told me to leave the house right now, that I was just like his ex girlfriends snooping on his phone behind his back. That I breached his privacy. That no girlfriend ever has the right to check her boyfriends phone. I tried explaining "I understand you might feel like I breached your privacy because you expect me not to, but I expected you not to text with women in this way anymore, you even promised you wouldn't. And yet you did, so you are just as bad as I am here."
But that didn't hit home, and as he kept screaming and ranting telling me how much of a fucked up, sick, disgusting girl I was, I lost my reason too, and started screaming and shooting back at him.

We almost broke up that day.

But we didn't! After the storm calmed down we came back to earth and tried talking. Hardly in that conversation did he admit HE was in the wrong. He said the problem was there because I checked his phone, and that if I hadn't looked, this fight would not have happened. Granted. But according to me, that did not justify him to equally horribly go behind my back and calm me with false promises, expecting things to be just fine while he continued doing whatever the fuck he wanted.

This fight ended in the promise: I should not check his phone, and he should not text other women this flirtatious anymore.
I hope everyone here sees how backward and bound to fail this promise was. Because he just told me to do what I had done before being fooled by him, twice. I just had to magically find my trust and never check his phone again, and the problem would be solved. I can't help but feel myself get mad now, because he is 27 and had many relationships. I am 19 and he is the first REAL grown up relationship and sex partner I ever had. My mind is just nagging: how could he? He should have known better.

However, he presented a very clear case: trust me or break up with me, and since I am deeply in love with this man and I envisioned my future with him, I was pushed in a corner and had to agree not to check his phone. Case closed. I pulled the short straw.

Miraculously, I kept my promise ever since until a couple of months ago. Firstly because I actually did want to trust him. But secondly also very much because he had made it very clear he'd leave me if I ever checked his phone again, and I was too scared that if I'd looked, he wouldn't have kept his promise of no-texting and I would have to break up with him. Out of broken trust, but also out of self dignity. Because I am a wonder, talented girl. I have a body many teens like me would die for. I am an amazing dancer. I get straight A's easily. I am confident. Or was atleast. And I believed the world was honored to have me there. That is all very different now.

All the while during this, I had to fight my parents, my teachers, my school in order to convince he was not a pedophile or a man with bad intentions who would ruin my future. I lost my best friend who turned out to be not so much a best friend after all. It was just him and me.

But back to the story. I hadn't checked his phone ever since he told me, but thins changed. To me, what I half always seen as his sexy charming ways turned into flirtatious and unfaithful behavior. Him texting and putting away his phone as I said next to him, always hiding his messages, was confirmation there were things I was not allowed to see. New Girls he met were girls who he had flirted with and who wanted things from him despite the fact that they knew he had a girlfriend. To me it seemed like all the women in the world wanted him and followed him around. Which had always been my thought, actually, because to me he is the most gorgeous thing alive. But now, suddenly he was chasing these women back. My mind went dark. I started to hate going out with him. I hated all the girls we met in the club who were "acquaintances of his". When he let my side on the dance floor, bevaus he likes to wander around a bit and not be with me the whole time when we go out, I felt angry and nauseous. My skin crawled when I saw him lean in to a girl, see him shout something I. her ear over the music, his hand on her shoulder and his lips insanely close to her ear, and watch them both laugh like he had said the funniest thing ever. Yea, he turned from my sexy Prince charming into a seductive black devil who went around playing with people's feelings and letting everyone down with his flirting obsession. I came to hate this person, this dark version of him that was created in my mind, very, very much.

But never did I check his phone.

We didn't actually ever talk about these things. If I asked him "Hey... How's the not texting going, are you having a hard time not doing it since you told me it used to be almost compulsory?" he'd get mad. He never started talking about the issue himself. Maybe because he didn't see how much of an issue it was becoming, but whenever I brought it up I was faced with great resistance. It made me feel like I was always looking for a fight. So I stopped trying to talk about it. Dumb decision I know, but always having to be the responsible one in a relationship as a teenager while dating a grownup is frustrating and feels unfair. More anger grew.

But again, never, EVER did I check his phone. But this pain and hate bottled up. Until it spilled and I brought it up again. When I did, unfortunately, it was during a family weekend. But once the fight started he just got up and left. He left me with my family, who already had a hard time accepting him as part of out family because they believed he was bad for me, crying by myself, until my parents found me and I told them what's up. How could I not? This started when I was 17. I was 19 now and never got a chance to truly talk about this except. Because I was ashamed to admit in front of my psychologist and my parents that my prince charming was not perfect, like I have always tried everyone to convince he is.

Again, I took the lead. Took the first step toward him, back into the fight with intentions to solve this. So I called him and told him to meet me in a cafe. Here, we talked. He was utterly relieved when I told him I hadn't called him to break up with him. He said he had been very scared of that. But I did tell him that his rule 'just don't check my phone' was unfair. And that it provided me with a million ways to question his honesty. He agreed. I said if we wanted to make this work we both had to change. I had to begin deconstructing the maddening jealously I felt after everything he did that involved other girls, and together we had to find a way to be more open. We agreed.

Stupid thing is, that we agreed to changing, but nothing actually changed. We both didn't really know how. He never made a step to deconstruct my doubt. Or maybe he did, actually. Maybe he tried making me feel beautiful and loved. To not dance with other girls when we go out. But this dark image if his I have in my mind wasn't just gone, and it still caused doubt and fears. It was this dark image he had to kill before I could trust him again. But honestly, I don't know how he should do that, and I guess he doesn't either. So it might be too easy to say he didn't try change. Maybe he did, but it's just that in our relationship nothing major has changed I feel, except that I have to keep pushing myself to trust him and to not check his phone. Because in the end, I am still scared of how mad he will get when I tell him I do. And that there will be no other way out than to break up.

But suddenly, after he spent a weekend in London with his class, I did it. I don't know why now. There was no clear trigger. I checked his phone but didn't quite find anything. Well... Almost nothing actually. I found one text, to a girl he met in London who goes to his school in the Netherlands saying:

"Hey!"
"Will you be in class today?"
"I miss you!"

She responded quite dryly, and non flirtatious. For as far as I read. Other than that I found some cool conversations with other girls, but they were half.. They started out of no where. These girls clearly responded with heart eyes to something he had said, but there was no chat history. The chat had been thrown away and cleared before the girls could respond to what he had said. Was this coincidence? Or was he now throwing away conversations because he knew I might be checking his phone?

About two days later I went to Lisbon for week, I found a neat way to confront him. I texted him: I miss you. And then made a nice leap to the question if he still said to other girls that he 'missed them'. He said he didn't. I asked him: really? He said 'at least not that I remember'.

That was a week ago. Now, I checked his phone again. I went to the toilet at 03:00 at night. I needed a light and it crossed my mind to take his phone and take it to the bathroom to check it. "No." I told myself. It was late at night. I knew I couldn't handle my upset and jealous emotions. So I left it on the bed night stand. I came back up and put my phone next to his. And just before I laid down, I pressed his home button. Would there be any incoming messages.

Two missed calls. One at 00:18. One at 01:38. From someone named 'Loessssssss'. Here I went again. I checked if he had chat history. If she had asked him to go out that night (because all night he had been very inclined to go out but I didn't want to, which he made me feel bad for.) No chat history with the contact loessssss. I check her WhatsApp picture but couldn't recognize the girl in shades sitting at a great canyon like nature site. I checked his fb friends looking for her. I checked his messages. All gone. Oh, and by the way. The conversation with the girl who he had asked if she was in class and said to that he missed her, was gone. Deleted. How many more conversations were deleted.
I didn't find anything else.

Then I laid back down, and the inevitable self loathing started. Hating myself for doing this. Hating him for causing me to be this. Hating us for causing me to be this actually, I can't just put it all on him. And most of all, I am scared. I started writing this after Loessss' calls at night, at around 03:00, and now it's 05:39. He's laying next to me. Naked. Gorgeous. We have had fights every day for a couple of days now, and I don't want to start another one this morning. I am so scared. I don't want to lose him, but I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. Help me. Please.

 

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