Need Advice For This Please

Hello, my name is Ashley but, you can call me Ash. I have been in a relationship for about 4 years now and I'm not really happy. It all started back when I was a junior in high school, I was a very happy person, nothing really bothered me. I was always around my friends and I was a great student (from what my teachers tell me or my parents) I was always quiet durning class, always reading (mainly manga) but I had a hard time with tests and some assignments. I have to have things repeated to me. And since elementary school (around 5 years of age and which I still have the heart condition) I had a heart problem/condition.

But one day I was messaged on skype by someone I had met on the internet, we met on a social game, he had forgotten who I was but I reminded him. And he would vent to me about losing his girlfriend whom which I knew because she too played the social game. But she came in saying she was crying and that she couldnt take it anymore. Me and my friend heard her story and told her to never talk to him again. Turns out her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend was the man who messaged me (but that was before I knew that). After awhile he asked me out and I stupidly said yes, we seemed happy but as the days and months pass, he became mean and rude. Told me to stop talking to my friends(the guys) on the social game and in real life. He asked me if I could turn my camera on, then after seeing me he said " You could lose some weight, I mean I love you just the way you are, I really just look/go for personality, not so much looks".

I wanted to lose weight but on my own time. All he talked about was his exs and people trolling him, cussing every single second, even started comparing me to his exs. He asked me if I was "cool with him talking to other girls" I said "yeah, why wouldn't I?" He added and ex of his to the skype call (it was the girl I was talking about earlier) we started talking and we remembered each other and started msging one another after that. Later that night he asked me if it was ok if there was another girl in the relationship, I told him I wasn't bisexual, I said I didn't care if he talked to other girls. But he started yelling at me and saying I was trolling him, said that girls are the problem, are always the problem. Me just being myself I started to cry, after about 2 hours of him yelling and me crying, we sorted it out and he calmed down......he got what he wanted reguardless. Anytime he made me cry I would turn to the other girl in this case we'll just call her K( and call the man M). K would always calm me down unless she had to do something or go to church. I was stuck with him, but if she wasn't there I would watch Youtube, watching some of my favorite Youtubers made me feel happy again. M also liked to "phone sex" so he had a fantasty(which I'm not going to say) but it was just nasty. After awhile M started to get mad at K almost everyday, and so he was tired of it, so he kicked her out of the relationship. So it was just me and M. Being myself (which is random and silly) M told me to never do things like that, I thought to myself.......If I can't be myself, then I am nothing.....Im just silence and thats what M got.

A few more months pass and he wanted another girl in the relationship, my chest would ache, felt like someone was grabbing my heart and squeezing it really hard. I messaged her and told her "get out while you're not gonna like him after awhile" she asked me "what do you mean"? She soon found out what I meant, after a year or so of "being together " with the new girl, she got tired of him and left. As the days and months go by, I was beginning to lose myself more and more. Losing the inspiration for drawing, to write (I wrote short stories, started in 08) I still sung but barely and just to do anything in general. I couldn't hang out with my family, couldn't see my mom on her weekends and I was beginning to miss too many school days because he missed me and he barely got time to talk to me. He was also suicidal, bipolar, probably has anger issues and claimed to be really smart ( iq of 140 or something like that) and he tried to correct me on things I knew more about than he did. Always said I was wrong and everything was my fault, or seemed like everything was my fault. He also hated when I would lie, even though he lies all the time. Tells other girls on the social game that I'm bisexual, and saying that hes a badass. Told guys he could beat them in a CS GO (counter strike global offensive) match, some of them didn't know what that was. It was embarrassing. Always told me to go "troll" the people in the room ( I didn't really know how to troll). Always complained about miserable he is and most of the time, his comments would make my appetite go away, so I would eat it later or not at all.....Skipping into the present now, I am still in pain, depressed, even worse now?

Can barely do anything I would like to do, anytime I would get inspired, he would shoot it down, I even confronted him that I couldn't be myself around him. His response : "I love random, being silly". I told him that he told me to stop doing that. Even when I cried one he called me a cry baby, never comforted me or said sorry for making me cry. Not even an.......I love you....barely said it, I would try to say it more often than he did but my love fated a while back.....

(words from his mouth.......)"I f***ing hate life dude.....YOU JUST SIT THERE AND BE SILENT INSTEAD OF TALKING AND YOU TALK WHEN I'M F***ING MAD AT YOU, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU WHEN I'M PISSED. ENJOY BEING AVOIDED AND JUST KEEP TROLLING IT UP......LEARN HOW TO OPEN YOUR F****ING MOUTH FOR ONCE" ( I was crying during this but I was trying to stay calm and not cry)

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this, please let me know what you think I should do or advice. I really appreciate the comments!
Ash (:

Hey Ash,

It sounds to me like you really need to leave this guy. He's toxic. It seems like he makes you sad more than he makes you happy, and that's the point in a relationship when you know things need to come to an end. You've even said yourself that you aren't happy, so I think you know what you need to do. I think you'll be much happier without him. Then you can start getting your hobbies and passions back and rediscover yourself. No one should ever make you feel ugly/unwanted/less than. And your boyfriend should never ever make you feel as though you're competing with someone else for his attention. No no no. Forget this guy, he sounds like a loser.

Good luck!!?

Ash, you deserve MUCH BETTER. I don't know you personally but you seem to be an independent woman who needs no man to be happy. The only thing this guy will do to you will be bringing you down and keep you from making your dreams come true. Walk away from him without giving him explanations, baby you deserve to be happy. I'm be always here for you whenever you need me, just ask! Have a nice day.

I tried breaking up with him before and he started to cry....I thought to myself "why are you crying over me, you obviously don't love me, and whenever you break up with me(or threaten it) I cry and you just lose emotion, you say its not enough to say i'm sorry, actions speak louder than words."

The more he yelled at me...the quiter I got. He told me he has to break up with the girl not the girl breaking up with him

And Thank You for your support and advice, it means a lot (:

I've also started a facebook page called : Don't Judge

I've found it harder and harder to find a way to leave him.....he's trying to get another girl in the relationship, my mood usually changes. I'll start to get happy or just a little bit and he just says something that shoots it down. For instance : on the game we play together, he met 2 other girls ( i met one and the other I knew of just by seeing her avatar around) one we barely talk to anymore and the other he constanly talks to and i feel like shes getting more attention but also I get a break from him. As I stated before about the phone sex, he also likes to "cyber" on the game in empty rooms. He's been "cybering" her also (first her then me later, maybe if he's not to tired or "drained"). Which most of the time I just feel dead inside when another girl comes around like that. He also gets angry when my mood changes, like if i'm happy for once, even just a little, he says like "Man, she's a real slut, she got my dick again" my happiness drops, gone, vanished, then I kinda become sarcastic and kinda rude. Most of the time when this happens I just keep repeating "yep", "yes", etc. I just feel like I've lost myself and it's becoming harder and harder to bring myself back........he also trys to guilt trip me by saying "I wish I had a girlfriend who had a job and could give me money" it's hard to get a job........when you have no car and limited jobs avalible. Thanks for reading this and giving me advice, I really appreciate it.


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