did he take advantage of me? how do i contact him? please HELP

I got too drunk w/ friends, I dont remember much, feels like a dream. I havent even kissed a guy before and im 21. We slept on my friends' couch together. Backstory: "bob" & "marie" are known for liking each other and, recently, things didnt work out. i wouldnt have such a problem w/ the situation if i knew bob didnt have a thing w/ marie?

At 4am, i wake to bob kissing me/cuddling with me. I could barely even get up/comprehend things. I realized what was going on & I said no stop this is bad, think about marie, you will regret this in the morning, people will find out, i dont know you well etc. He said its too late you cant erase what happened, ill get to know you tmrw, i wont regret this, you're cute etc. Eventually, I decided i was alright w/ kissing him. But then he got touchy and i kept moving his hands away from my butt but he kept going back. It was useless to physically stop or rationalize w/ him. Then he was kissing my breasts and it felt good so i let him go on but then he started fingering me & it hurt. He kept going & i couldnt stop him cuz of not having any strength. He asks me if im a virgin etc and when i say no, he tells me im cute and funny. He pulls my pants down, gets on top of me and i asked if he even had a condom and he didnt answer. Luckily, he gets off and I remember pulling my pants up quickly. I turn my back to him and then he cuddles me intensely even though i didnt have enough power to stop him.

Fast forward to 7am, light floods the room and i realize there are two of my other guy friends also sleeping in the room and then i start hitting him like WTFF and i push him off the bed. I havent talked to him since. I feel like crying, I also am questioning whether or not this all actually happened. Did he take advantage of me? How do i approach him? I don't think he will message me first. I was thinking of messaging and asking if that was a dream or not because its SO out of my character; i ?have never even kissed a boy. I'm not happy that he took my first kiss away from me. Not sure if he remembers... I know i need to have a convo w/him but idk if he wants to. Idk if we should do it over text or in person. I think in person because i cant relay all my anger, confusion, &frustration by message. Please help :c

Also, i'm not sure if i should say he took advantage of me, i'm afraid he will say that I sounded like I liked it. i cant even tell my close friends because they know marie and even tho they are acepting, i have an irrational fear that the word is gonna spread and people will think me and bob are a thing or that i dont even care about marie's feelings.?

I would suggest you to wait for him. Don't jump into any decision.?

May I ask, how are you 21 having never been kissed until this incident, is it religious or what? That part is very different from my life so I'm not quite sure how to factor that in.

Also to be clear, when you said "luckily he gets off" you mean, without sex right? If that is the case, I can say honestly what I'd do is avoid him and try to fix it so I didn't see him if at all possible. Like I would try to get him uninvited to future events for example, or if I knew he would show up I might not go. That is unless you like him, which makes it more complicated because it could strain your relationship with Marie.

I know what some people would say (that you were sexually assaulted etc) and while that might be true in a sense, if it were me, I'd wonder how I'd ever prove anything and not want to deal with it (I have actually been in similar situations, without even being drunk).

Now if he penetrated you against your will that's different and serious!!

I don't agree with your last statement ShellyB. I'm close to someone who was molested and 5+ years later, they're still bothered by it greatly. The thing with it is that the person being assaulted doesn't?know?for sure whether or not they're about to be raped or not, and that fear doesn't just go away. They've still been violated. It still hurts them.?

If confronting him would bring you closure, text him to meet you in a public place. I think it would be safer and probably more comfortable for you. If he gets defensive, at least there would be incentive not to cause a scene. And after that, I agree with ShellyB, I'd try to avoid him.?

Well I wasn't saying it's totally un-serious without penetration. Just that it's MORE serious with it, and it's something that would be a lot harder to ignore.

Being held down and felt up, when you're resisting, is upsetting because as you said you don't know how far it will go. Plus I don't want just anyone to have access to touch me in those ways I want to be able to decide who can and can't do it and when a guy just physically does it because I can't stop him it makes me feel cheap.

In my case I have a brother who is one year younger than me, who when we were kids I was a little bigger than he was and sometimes pushed him around, then when I was 14 he held me down and made me beg to be let up (while friends laughed), which was a shock for me, it sounds dumb now but at that age it was only occurring to me that boys are generally stronger. I've also been held down (or picked up) by guys a couple other times so I'm somewhat accustomed to it now but still get anxious if it's not something I want to participate in. I am probably talking too much about myself but I am saying where I am coming from as far as similar experiences. I got held down and touched and kissed by a guy I was interested in but it made me embarrassed and mad and I lost interest in him. And I randomly cried in school one time when I saw him but wouldn't tell anybody why I was crying. Another time I was held down and groped by a guy I did NOT like but I got randomly aroused and when he was holding me down kissing me I kissed back and then later I flirted with him we "dated" for like two weeks. It can have a lot of emotional effects in unpredictable ways.

I can't say the RIGHT thing for her to do but I will say what I actually WOULD do, which is, I wouldn't seek closure I would just avoid the guy. Unless either I liked him (I mean like like) (which does not sound like the case) or, he's best friends with all my best friends so there's no way to avoid him other than by becoming a hermit. In those cases talking it out might be good but otherwise I wouldn't see the point, I just wouldn't want to be around him especially alone.

 

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