Calm (sort of boring), loving boyfriend exchanged meaningless sext with ex - do i dump him?

Hi,

I love this platform and thank you so much for volunteering to listen me out!

So I graduated from college in June 2015 and met a super intelligent, sweet looking and well-mannered guy at my first job. We started talking and he was gentle and understanding and we entered a relationship in September 2015. In October 2015, my father was diagnosed with brain cancer and I was extremely shattered, I would just call him at night and cry on the phone and he would try to offer support. We used to meet every day in office too (15-20 minutes) and I really fell in love, so did he. I am from India and we live with our respective families.

We used to have infrequent harmless fights in 2016, he?s not much into celebrating occasions and did nothing for our first valentine?s day which I was a little disappointed by. Ignored me at an office party where everyone knew we are dating, canceled on meeting me when I was waiting for him..nothing too serious I would say. At a party where I was not present he got super drunk and a girl tried to make out with him and he kissed her back but confessed about it and told me he was so drunk he didn?t realize what he was doing. I gave him benefit of doubt and tried to forget about the incident. My dad?s condition started worsening and though my boyfriend was there, I couldn?t feel he has that active a role or is reallllly making sure I?m in a better state. That being said I knew he has a life of his own and a busier office schedule than I did so I didn?t mind the reduced involvement.

It is 2017 now and in May this year I changed my job. I told him I would really feel good if he planned a nice farewell for me, at least something to make me feel I am special and loved (also I love surprises) but he did nothing at all. He did make plans to meet in June and July and I tried to forget everything I didn?t like and focus only on the positives when 6 days before my birthday, on 4th August he started talking on Facebook rather than Whatsapp and on my constant interrogation he told me that he had met his ex, the conversation continued for a day or two and they sent 1 sext to each other. Her boyfriend found out and took his phone. I was completely devastated and felt like someone has passed a knife through my heart. But he said he loves me a lot and it was a mistake, he doesn?t know how it happened and promises me this will never happen again. To make matters worse, I had my GMAT exam on 21st August. I was too distraught but forgave him in 6-7 days, postponed my GMAT to September.? I really thought since he was at fault, he would try to rebuild the trust but he is his usual gloomy and confused self (although there?s nothing wrong in his life) with little to say about anything, although he is quite apologetic about the cheating incident. Even when he makes plans to meet he is confused and sad and I am the one initiating things. 2 days before the GMAT , on 12th Sep, was our 2 year anniversary and I expected him to do something special coz he knows I like it but he didn?t even wish me properly, just a text and then did nothing throughout the day saying he has a minor stomach ache. I was furious and taunted him and he didn?t reply to which I cried and cried. He did wish me well on GMAT day (yesterday) and I tried to forget all grudges but scored pretty bad. Meanwhile, I have the stress of seeing my father unable to move, talk or speak, sleeping all day and predicted by doctors to die anytime now.

I am planning to re-take GMAT in December. And while most of my friends are telling me I should dump this guy I know at heart he is really sweet and sensitive and loves me a lot..he just doesn?t have the right ways of expressing it. But then I remember the cheating episode and think I shouldn?t think twice before dumping him.Would like to know what your thoughts on this situation are!!

Thank you sooooo much, this will be a great help!!

I suspect you have the Guardian personality type, since special dates are important to you, and he has one of the other 3 personality types, I'll guess most likely Artisan, and that causes typical communication issues, as each personality type is motivated by fundamentally different desires. Guardians want a Helpmate, Artisans want a Playmate.?

The pairing is very common, since Guardians make up 50% of the population, and Artisans 35%.

See?http://www.keirsey.com?for more. The seminal book on the subject is Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey. (The II means 2nd expanded revision. It's not a sequel.)

There's also a series of articles on the website on relationships and pairing.?
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/index.asp

http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz1.asp

http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/wz_top.asp

http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/cz1.asp

The articles are a good place to start.

Best wishes!

Hi girl!
​good you are reaching out for an outside perspective. these relationship problems can be disorienting and unclear for what to do from the inside. Keep talking to your gurlfriends! It is not good to be isolated and it can lead way to breed manipulation. (couldnt hurt to cross check for signs of manipulation/a manipulative personality. it can be sneaky and good people, i believe, can have manipulative habits/tendancies. but it is always good to be aware so you can decide whats best for you.)

​I can see your situation is quite disheartening and disconcerting. you already dealt with infidelity once with him ( i dnt usually buy/go for I was too drunk excuses, a devoted man wouldnt let himself get into that situation. just my personal opinion, i could be wrong! maybe he was black out drunk?)

​​your love for eachother may be very real and dear to both of you, that is something you will have to decide for yourself. no one will have those answers for you, if it is worth it for you to continue down this road. but this sounds like someone who is unsure of commiting or if he still wants to "fool around".? maybe he has some serious fidelity/commitment or repressed emotional issues, they are very real and can stem from trauma and such but can also be used as an excuses to not get dumped for unethical behavior.

​hard to say, you will have to listen to your heart for what feels right. i know it can be hard but keep talking to friends, get feedback, and remember to value and respect yourself.
​maybe his behavior did cross a line and you want out so as not to re-experience this pain in the future.
​or maybe its worth the risk for this guy. it can be a beautiful thing to believe in someone but remember change isnt easy. a pattern might repeat itself. maybe you will need more time to see if this is a pattern or a two time occurence.

​but always always try to stand up for yourself. i am finding even people i love i must stand up to . and even people who love me sometimes hurt me or act disrespectfully to me.
maybe take some time to get to know what is important to you in a partner and if infidelity is something you can tolerate/forgive or is a deal breaker for you.

​Be happy and well! good luck with your tests and in all your life endeavors! I hope things work out well for you and you get some valuable insights and clarity soon.
​hope this helped.

​He does not care about you he either started dating because he wanted to have sex or felt sorry for you. After he got whatever he wanted he started to behave like he once did b4. leave him and soon as you do hes going to start trying to get you back and sell you all tpes of dreams to get you back in his arms. He a abuser he will see how far he can go and will adventually do more if you put up with his crap.

honestly knowing you that you like some suprises he should have at least met you half way but he didnt and he not really being their beside you when your having a really hard time, plus he cheated on you twice! I would honestly break up with him because he not meeting with your happiness.?

I am seeing a lot of warning signs in what you wrote, not that he's evil or anything like that just that you may want different things or the two of you may not make each other happy. Sometimes it's better to confront things sooner rather than letting a lot of time go by and doing what you already knew had to happen? JMO!! Good luck

Sis, I know you're are trying to see the best in him but he continues to show you the worst. At some point, you need to accept that this is who he is and you can't change that. It may hurt at first but you deserve someone who puts effort into the relationship.?

 

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment