My boyfriend's family is racist.

Forgive me for this long post, but I really needed a place to vent and some advice. I'm a black woman in an interracial relationship with a white man and we have been together for about 7 months now. My boyfriend Andrew is my best friend, and though we haven't been together?that?long, I truly can't imagine life without him. When we first started dating we were discussing our families and backgrounds (he's from a rural town with 0.1% black population and I'm from the city and grew up in an extremely black community) he disclosed that growing up his mother would not allow his black friends to come over and other instances of racism. Andrew told me that she had unlearned her prejudices and is a totally different woman now. After spending quite a bit of time with his family and having discussions about race, I believed him and I actually admired his mother for unlearning the hatred she was taught as a child...we all know there are so many people that never change especially in that magnitude. The first instance that made me uncomfortable was when I discovered a book called Little Black Sambo in her bookcase. When she saw my reaction she exclaimed, "Sambo was an Indian boy". I was shocked and didn't know how to respond, so I just let it go. As a Black American person I know that Sambo is a derogotory ass term aimed at Black Americans with mixed ancestry (so basically all of us). I talked to Andrew about it and he was quite annoyed as well, but he is just so afraid of confrontation that he didn't mention it to her. Fast forward a few months and we began preparation of his mom's surprise birthday party, so we traveled to another rural town that his material grandparents reside in. At his grandma's house I noticed a little black doll holding a little piece of watermelon. -______- . I feel like I was in such denial that I just wanted to pretend I never saw it. The last straw was last week. His grandparents were having a garage sale so I decided to put a few things in the sale for some extra cash. His family ends up pulling out a mammy archetyped toothpick holder from Mississippi and they're all laughing and his mom sees my face so she's like?"It's just a toothpick holder!"?At that point I was ready to go and in the car I ripped Andrew a new one for not sticking up for me. I was so hurt and disgusted and I told him that I would no longer be able to be around his family. Over the next couple days I couldn't stop thinking about it and I told Andrew I cannot be with him anymore because of his family. He ended up confronting his mom and she basically played the fragile, victimized white woman card. She was crying saying that she's not racist and how far her parents have come because before they wouldn't let black people in their homes. How fucking kind of them to let a "colored" in their house in 2016 *rolls eyes*. Then she starts in on me saying I'm "ANTI-WHITE". Why the hell would I be dating a white man if I were anti white? I'm outspoken about hating?white supremacy and institutionalized racism, but to say I'm anti white is fucking preposterous. Then she starts saying "if she doesn't like things why doesn't she get out there and do something about it?" Like bitch are you dense? I have been very involved in activism and bettering my community. She then says, "Well what are white people supposed to do?"?Hm, maybstart by ceasing to make bullshit excuses about being racist and have some damn accountability for yourselves. I am also upset with Andrew because I feel like if he hasn't had my back and if you can't speak out, you need to go ahead and strictly date white women because this is some fucked up shit. He doesn't even like his family, like he spent the last couple holiday seasons out of the country because he feels like a black sheep and doesn't agree with their 1950 Jim Crow views. Literally the only reason he has any relationship with them is for monetary gain. He just got a well paying job so he?claims?he's going to distance himself because he loves me, but I don't know if I believe it. So my dilemma is:?Do I give up on the love of my life because his family? Or do I set boundries and continue my relationship??I'm just so torn right now. :(

I'm actually in a very similar situation, so I know how it feels. It's especially upsetting that your bf won't stand up for you.

I think now is a good idea to ask just how much this relationship means to you (and him,) and if being a part of each others lives is something you've put into consideration. I personally wouldn't want to enter into a family like that.

Well, the relationship means alot to both of us. We've discussed it and he was really apologetic for his part and not defending me in the beginning. He did talk to his family and told them he was willing to distance himself from them to be with me. And it's not about "entering" their family. I'm just like am I willing to give up on him because he family is full of fucking idiots. But I don't think I am.?

I'm sorry.

Since you are white and not an American person, I don't expect you to understand the issue with this. Just because Google told you that something "is not racist in any way", doesn't mean that's the case. The book literally used stereotypical black face characters and as I said, "Sambo" itself is an offensive term that has been used against Black Americans for centuries. I can't let microaggressions and racism "slide". I know a toothpick holder is an "item" and the shit is still racist and offensive. You are white so you have never encountered racism. Maybe prejudice, but not racism. The issue with racism against MINORITIES goes beyond being called names. We are systematically oppressed and discriminated against in instutitons. Not sure where you're from, but in America you'll never be pulled over because you're white, you'll never be denied a job or housing because you're white. Making misogynist comments or sexist comments, are still problematic. In my opinion, that would make you a misogynist. People don't get to have a pass to say offensive and prejudice things and then be excused by "well maybe they aren't really prejudice."?

Thanks for your input, but you clearly don't understand the topic at hand.?

Yeah, its a tough call, especially since I'm dealing with the same thing and I'm unsure what to do. Given how we met, I've never met them. He told them about me when he got home and their reactions, well, you can imagine. Overall, since I make them happy I GUESS they're happy too. His mom's still "worried for him" though and his dad, well, "at least he has a girlfriend and not a boyfriend." ._.

We love each other,but just off our careers alone we don't really see ourselves staying together and getting married. But, a lot can change in a year. My mom is also a bit hesitant on the relationship because "at the end of the day, those are the people that raised him." It's clear that she would rather me be with someone that wasn't white. It just gets very frustrating. :/

The "last straw" you identified in the first half of your original narrative. The rest was unnecessary, and you'd already answered your own question. When it's over, it's over.

Your response to my post was unnecessary. Lmao congratulations on being a bitch for absolutely no reason. Cheers.?

Improved conciseness, but still off-point.

Cool, so let me be "off point" in peace. Lol your commentary isn't needed. Dismiss yourself now.?

You posted in a category for age 18+, but you display staggering immaturity with your words. Wisdom doesn't always come with age. For you, age appears certain to arrive all by itself.

?Please...Your vapid response to my post venting about a really fucked up situation was totally uncalled for and not constructive in any way, shape, or form. It's clear you weren't attempting to be of any actual assistance so I'm puzzled to why you're still here. Strange.?

I think now is a good idea to ask just how much this relationship means to you (and him,) and if being a part of each others lives is something you've put into consideration. I personally wouldn't want to enter into a family like that

Wow, that's horrible, and as someone in an interracial relationship myself, I know for a fact that I'd be angry and quick to dump my boyfriend if this same kind of shit happened to me. It's dehumanizing and completely fucked up that you're even dealing with this kinda nonsense in the first place. Granted, I really don't know what it's like to experience the same kind of racism a black woman?would (I'm a white-passing Hispanic woman and am fully aware of the privileges light-skinned/white-passing POC have), but I've seen so much of this passive-aggressive and overt racist nonsense from white folks that it pisses me the hell off. That being said, I really think you deserve so much better.

Obviously, you really love your boyfriend and he seems to love you, too. It's not easy to break up with someone you clearly love, and I can tell that part of you doesn't want to let go, but I really think that it's probably best to cut him loose and move on for the sake of avoiding stress. It's not very common for in-laws to get along, and it would be a lot different if they simply disliked you for any other reason that is unrelated to your race, but racism in my opinion? should be considered a dealbreaker. Like, this is the family you would possibly marry into, and I really don't think having racist in-laws is worth it. It's sad that his family?is anti-black and unwilling to see beyond the color of your skin and your race, while making stupid justifications for their racist beliefs. That is why I personally think his family is not worthy of ANY of your respect, especially considering the fact that they disrespected you so many times in the past. Furthermore, the fact that your boyfriend's mother got all defensive instead of listening when anger at her and her family's racist bullshit was expressed speaks volumes, and you deserve so much more respect than that.?

So, yeah. I really think it would be best to just break up and move on. However, it is technically your relationship, so at the end of the day you have to do what you think is best for you. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I truly hope things work out. You deserve to be happy, dude.

 

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