A topic I've never actually spoke on in real life. i hope it isn't too long. I just need to vent at this point and if no one reads it, at least I can say that I got it off my chest.?
My parents are either there, but not emotionally..or just not there. ?
I grew up up a child full of depression. I stayed away from everyone because I felt like I was a bother to everyone. Yes. At such a young age, I thought that. Grew up and my mom admitted she wasn't very hands on and she apologized. This was probably two years ago. ?But, she pretty much does the same now as I'm in my 20's. Maybe it shouldn't matter. But it does. Nothing I do is good enough for her. Everything that comes out of her mouth towards me is a complaint or something negative. But she is quick to brag about the other kids. I'm a Junior in college, I have a 3.0 GPA and, I own my own business...she has never said anything about those things. It makes me embarrassingly green with envy when she brags about my sister. Who happens to be 15. Really embarrassing. To the point where I will flaunt my progress...looking for acknowledgement.?
Then, there is my dad. Grew up seeing him very random Sundays. Sometimes I'd be ready to see him for him to call with an excuse as to why. His wife and I were close when I was little. But these days, I feel like she never really liked me. I barely talk to my dad. The very rare times I have, it is kinda awkward. Like talking to a stranger. One time I happened to need rides to school and he would offer. I guess we were spending too much time together because she made statements about people being used. And I know that's what she was talking about. So I started taking the bus. Guess what? Once they found that out, may step mom goes, "why are you taking a bus? Just ask your father". Eye roll. Then there is the times I got to see my dad. And the times I couldn't because she couldn't be there. ??? My best friend has dated her son in high school and years later revealed she'd talk about me to her. Saying I was stuck up. So shows where her head is at. There was also a time my brother and I went to surprise visit our dad, she told us it was disrespectful to show up unannounced. Meanwhile she boasted on Facebook not long after how her son surprise visited her. So I honestly think she doesnt like having attention taken away from her. Now he has always been pretty absent. But his upbringing was CRAP. His dad wasn't around and his mom was awful. So I let it slide. Thinking maybe, he didn't know how to express love. Until, his wife "allowed" him to have a Facebook and all he writes about is her. How much he loves her and how this and that she is. I shouldn't be jealous. That's his wife. But it's like, oh. So you DO know how to express LOVE!??
So so basically I have know idea why my parents ever had me. I know a good portion of my mental health is due to my upbringing. And even though people have a rough time in the foster system, I wish they just put me up for adoption. What I life I could've had? And if it were bad, at least it wouldn't be confusing as to why my parents just don't give a, you know what, about me.?