Nothing annoys me more.

I think I've finally lost her. I lost my best friend. Well, it wasn't my fault, so technically she lost me. Gradually overtime she drove me away. But she didn't have a motive? Neither did I I went along with our little game of hurting each other, only by word use of course, because I was simply bored. Yes, it was frustrating and tiring. Yes, it did cause me more stress than I needed, but I would've done anything to keep me entertained, especially when I didn't want to face the real problem that was moving countries. I must say, I would have done exactly the same, if I were to do it again. Because, If I were to pile up all of the guilt that I felt from leaving Australia behind, It would have caused me more un-wanted emotional trauma that was un-needed at the time. Now I feel as if my life in England is ok. This event of everything being ok where it was was almost non-existent for me. Yes, there is the stress of moving house and the occasional homework stress, but socially, everything is good. Normal one might say. I almost don't believe it. I have steady friendships, crushes, barely any homework, no assessments, everyone is at my learning level, why is everything ok? I almost feel like I don't deserve this. I got used to all the stress and anger, I defiantly didn't enjoy it but it was there! Where did it go? There are so many questions like will it last? Is this forever? But no, of course it won't, this surely won't last. At least I hope. How I feel about her now,I don't belief we are best friends anymore and I haven't for along time. I kept that a secret to myself. Even though we don't talk anymore, and that she broke my heart, I wouldn't tell her how I really feel because I'm not giving up. I wish so badly that there was something I could just say to fix all of this, I wish I could say what I want to but I can't. I know that I'll never forget about this and I know things will never be normal again. We can't be the best friends we were before. I hate myself for thinking that coming back to England would fix the distance problem. Maybe because I never expected this to happen. I'm really happy that we are back, but that's not the problem. Jennifer doesn't believe that we won't be friends again and I wish I hadn't shown her the texts because now I don't want to talk to her about it, or anyone for that matter. I know when people are giving me false hope to live off, in hope that we will pick up where we left off, but I know we won't. I'm so mad at her but she was my best friend and the only person I could talk to about anything, and I did. But now I don't have anyone I can talk to about the stupidest little things that she would help me forget about for a short while. I feel so alone in this situation. Everyone thinks because I'm only thirteen that it doesn't matter and that I'll get over it, but that proves how much anyone who says that doesn't listen to me. I feel like she knew me to a big extent. Sure, I have people that maybe even knew me better, but I could be myself with her. The feeling that she's so close to me, only a few hours drive, yet she's so far away, like she's in a different planet, living a better, happier life sucks. I don't even want to talk to my parents about this, they're so distant from me and joe. It feels like eternity since we had fun. Jus as I was writing this dad came in and said he was watching stranger things and I asked if I could watch it with him, he said "Oh come on, you're gonna add another half an hour to your bedtime? This is my time to relax by myself, just like you do all day, you said you found it boring! I've been doing so much work recently, so many chores" executor, etcetera. My only intention was to distract myself from exactly what I was writing about and spend time with my dad. Except, he doesn't want to. He will never admit it but both me and Joe know he would rather spend time with Jennifer. I'm not jealous of this it just makes me sad. I just feel like crying all the time because I can't tell anyone this. Everyone says "You can talk to me about anything." But then they forget how they react and that's the reason I don't talk about things. I don't want to hide my depression but I have to suck it up and act like I'm stable. Yesterday I was crying for about an hour, and Kathryn texted me saying she was feeling like shit and needed someone to talk to because she was feeling suicidal and depressed. I didn't tell her I was too, I put all my problems aside to help my friend. I remember she was sick one day and she was feeling depressed and she was had cut the night before and we were at school and she just wanted to go home. I stayed with her in the nurses office, with my arm around her listening to random music. I remember she asked me "Why are you doing this? i don't think I would be able to be this close to someone who was sick?" And I smiled, because I din't care if she was sick, I treated her how I would want a friend to treat me if I was sick and crying. The reason i think I put aside my needs for others is because I know how much it means to them. I saw on snapchat the next day she was hanging out with people that I have heard talking about me behind my back. That gave me a horrible sinking feeling after I just did something good. But I didn't say anything to her or act differently. She's following people in Australia that I don't talk to anymore and has even had conversations with them when I asked her if she wouldn't. But I pretend she hasn't done this. I do this with all of my friends because my problems don't matter to anyone. Nobody cares that it's my dead mother's birthday and I'm upset about that, nobody cares that I just lost my best friend. Nobody cares that I just moved countries and it's a huge life change that didn't go as planned. Nobody cares that I have insecurities, Nobody cares that I want to kill myself. Nobody cares that my parents shit talk me behind my back, and the fact is that I've told my closest friends this and they just make me feel worse. Nobody cares about me. Because my problems don't matter to my friends. And that's what really hurts. Because there is no way to fix this.

 

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