I really fucked up... (long story)

I have three best friends. Well, I hope we still are. Back in december of 2016, I spent a week feeling something wasn't right. On a Thursday, I asked one of my bbfs if she was mad at me and she told me she'd tell me after school. She told me the weekend we were all hanging out, that I've said things very harsh more than usual. I kept throwing shade?mostly at her. She wanted to dicuss it with my other friends at another location, but as she said "I just had to tag along". Then I said something even harsher as a joke. She was very upset with me, so she decided to ignore me that week. I understood her reasoning. And of course, I tried apologizing for what I said. And, there were more things said, but I leave it at that. Then, she told me that she and my two other bffs have been talking about me saying harsh things for the last 5 years since we've been friends. At this point, I was in tears. I knew I shouldn't be the one crying, but the fact I hurt my closest friends, and they've been telling each other besides me, it really hurt. I honestly didn't mean to, I say many things but my intent is never to hurt anyone. Of course, afterward I went to apologize to the other two. I meant every word. I spent straight 4 days crying. I didn't even attend my friends recital which I was really excited about. I had one more week of school before vacation. I'm usually a very happy person, so when I went to school that week the whole class knew I was extremely down. I hate crying in public, but I broke down during gym class. I went straight to the toilets. I tried calming myself down, but one of my friends overheard me. She called the others to console me, but honestly it just made me wanna cry even more. I tried apologizing again. I felt ashamed and pathetic. I tried hanging out with them a little, but I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I was?being judge and I?was constantly reminded of that week.?After winter, break I spent two more weeks mostly alone and one?of those week crying everyday. Some of male classmates were sweet enough to include me in their group during lunch, but it doesn't feel right. Nothing familiar. Whenever I feel ready to push myself to be around my friends again, I always end up backing away because of my friend's tweets just put me down again. People have been asking what happened between us, but at this point, I still don't think I have a right to say. However, I feel like I need to talk about it. They look happy without me, and if I really put them through a lot, me being away is better for them. ?I'm probably victimizing myself writing this. I wished I realized sooner so all of this could be avoided.

I am so sorry. I know what this is like, as I often say harsh things without realizing. Sometimes it is good to take a step back for a while, which it seems like you have. You're friends may be acting like they are happy without you, but they most likely aren't. They have seen how upset you were and how sorry you are, and I know it seems awkward but sometimes the awkwardness needs to be addressed. If you are sitting with them, straight out say, "hey guys, I know we have been through a lot. I am extremely sorry and want to be better. I think that our friendships mean a lot more than this and shouldn't be broken up by this one incident. Not gonna lie, this is awkward. I hope it can stop being awkward." I know how extremely hard this is going to be to say, but i gurantee after sayint this you will feel sooooo much better. Chances are, they will welcome you back in and it will all be a bad memory. If not, then honestly you need to ditch them. If they are shallow enought to throw away a friendship over this, you really don't want to be friends with them. But I almost guarentee it will work out. I know you have probably heard this advice before, but I hope it helps and I am sorry. You are not victimzing youself, these are all valid thoughts and feelings and you shouldn't appologize.?

I am so sorry. I know what this is like, as I often say harsh things without realizing. Sometimes it is good to take a step back for a while, which it seems like you have. You're friends may be acting like they are happy without you, but they most likely aren't. They have seen how upset you were and how sorry you are, and I know it seems awkward but sometimes the awkwardness needs to be addressed. If you are sitting with them, straight out say, "hey guys, I know we have been through a lot. I am extremely sorry and want to be better. I think that our friendships mean a lot more than this and shouldn't be broken up by this one incident. Not gonna lie, this is awkward. I hope it can stop being awkward." I know how extremely hard this is going to be to say, but i gurantee after sayint this you will feel sooooo much better. Chances are, they will welcome you back in and it will all be a bad memory. If not, then honestly you need to ditch them. If they are shallow enought to throw away a friendship over this, you really don't want to be friends with them. But I almost guarentee it will work out. I know you have probably heard this advice before, but I hope it helps and I am sorry. You are not victimzing youself, these are all valid thoughts and feelings and you shouldn't appologize

elenaroseee :
~~I am so sorry. I know what this is like, as I often say harsh things without realizing. Sometimes it is good to take a step back for a while, which it seems like you have. You're friends may be acting like they are happy without you, but they most likely aren't. They have seen how upset you were and how sorry you are, and I know it seems awkward but sometimes the awkwardness needs to be addressed. If you are sitting with them, straight out say, "hey guys, I know we have been through a lot. I am extremely sorry and want to be better. I think that our friendships mean a lot more than this and shouldn't be broken up by this one incident. Not gonna lie, this is awkward. I hope it can stop being awkward." I know how extremely hard this is going to be to say, but i gurantee after sayint this you will feel sooooo much better. Chances are, they will welcome you back in and it will all be a bad memory. If not, then honestly you need to ditch them. If they are shallow enought to throw away a friendship over this, you really don't want to be friends with them. But I almost guarentee it will work out. I know you have probably heard this advice before, but I hope it helps and I am sorry. You are not victimzing youself, these are all valid thoughts and feelings and you shouldn't appologize

So yeah, I haven't talk to them. The one who was mostly mad confronted me and said we can't be friends anynore. She apologized for ignoring for a week and that she forgives me for what I said. To be honest, that just made me more upset. Not because?she didn't think we can be friends no more. It was because her apology sounded fake and rehearsed. It sounded like she didn't even meant a word she said.?She didn't even apologize for lying and talking behind my back for the past 5 years. And I had good reason to. We had a monologue to do in front of our class and you know what she did. This girl does a monologue 10 years into the futur and talking about her mariage with a maid of honor problem between her two best friends. She said they've been there for her since the beginning through the worse. I couldn't believe how petty she can be. Like my whole presence those 5 years was nothing. That took a big emotional toll on me. I felt embarrassed and it put me in a dark place. It showed me how much she "cared". What also hurts is that beforehand you could work in a team to see if your monologue was good. The two others said nothing. Like no. If you ever considered me as a friend, why did they let her do that. When I did my monologue, I cried in front of the class. To add, we're graduating this year and I have to be constantly remind I don't have anymore good memories for these past 5 years. Old and new?pictures make me cry. Looking at them seem like I'm looking at lies. Hearing their voices and hearing them talking sounds so fake to me now. I get so annoyed, especially because they're loud. Hearing that every school day and every period?is not fun.

 

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