Can't seem to stop..


So basically, long story short I am a complete mess. I've had an eating disorder my whole life..ranging from binge eater to bulimia to severe anorexia and back and forth in the cycle over and over. I won't go into details becaue that is WAY too much to write at this time. But basically..where I stand. I ""recovered"" from anorexia, and well..went straight to bulimia/BED. For the past 2 years I have been binge eating, purging, eating whatever I want and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. And I have now gotten myself into a complete mess. I have gained about 100 lbs, from being a mere 60 lbs to a bit over 160 now. And I can't seem to stop. I can't stop binging. I can't stop eating, no matter how many times I say "OKAY. This is the last binge!" Nope, never works. My room is a complete, atrocious disaster at the moment too. I have no motivation to clean it and I don't know why. My body is pretty much ruined as well. I so desparatlety want to change, to be normal and healthy but is so fking hard. I cannot afford counseling at this time as pricing for someone decent is absolutely outrageous.

I've been sexually abused more times than I can count on my own two hands and I know this has alot to do with it. However, I am feeling alot better and don't really care so much about it anymore..I've gotten over it but in yet, the addictions and bad habits are still there. I also suffer from OCD, ADHD, PTSD, major depression, anxiety and bipolar which makes things so much more difficult to deal with.

Don't know what to do. I feel stuck and unable to move on..

Wow, thank you for writing!

I just finished reading the book, The Craving Brain by Ronald A. Ruden, M.D., Ph.D. He talks about the brain and how for some people it can sabatoge any attempted diet. He talks about people who just have to eat, because their brain is telling them to. He then talks about various ways of changing the brain so it no longer does that. Medication is one method that works well for some people. There are other techniques too. Eastern Medicine type of brain training techniques, such as Mindfulness brain exercises. I suggest obtain a copy of that book.

Personally I'm becoming more open to the Eastern mind training techniques, as I've experienced them and seen a few of my friends take to them once introduced, and I've read these Eastern mind training techniques tend to succeed in situations where Western "take a pill" medicine fails.

Another reason I suspect Eastern mind training techniques haven't taken off in the Western world is because it's free. There's not a lot of money to be made promoting these things, so Western medicine doesn't embrace it as much. (Companies like to make and sell pills. They can't bottle meditation exercises and sell them. Then again there are gyms you can pay to go to and exercise, even though exercise itself is free and doesn't require a gym. Maybe someone will invent the equivalent Gym for the Mind place where people can pay to go and do the mind training exercises.)

It is possible to rewire the brain so it's healthier and works better. Thought exercises can do it. In addition to the book above, try one of the two books by Norman Doidge, M.D.. He doesn't talk about overeating explicitly, but he talks at length and gives numerous examples of how the brain can change and heal with mind exercises.

Oh, and see if there's an Overeater's Anonymous support group in your area. The idea is when you feel you are a part of a group of people who understand you and accept you as you are, that lowers stress, which in turn leads to better health. (People, like animals, like to be a part of a herd.)

Mindfulness Meditation can also be used to help treat the other mental disorders mentioned, though I also believe in medication as it's helped me a lot with my mental problems. I still do the Mindfulness Meditation and sometimes Qi-Gong or Tai-Chi, as maintenance therapy.

Sorry about the sexual abuse. It seems to be very common, I'm finding out. Maybe there's a support group for that too in your area. Again, it feels good to find a place where we feel we belong.

Also, maybe there's a church in your area you'd feel comfortable going to. Recovery from these types of things is a spiritual journey, so having some sort of spiritual touchstone can be helpful.

Best wishes!

Look for local colleges in your area that are focused on Marriage and Family Therapy. I work at one and know we are constantly looking for new clients and the fee is about $5-$15 per session depending on your income. They are all over the  U.S. It's basically therapists in training for their license who need hours and see people at a low cost rate. 

Anyways on what you posted, I completely get it. I am in a similar boat. I have "relapsed" from my "recovery" which basically just included switching from one addiction to another. I have everything the same even down to the messy room I can't seem to clean. But seeing you type this, reach out and write exactly what I was thinking changed my whole night. I know that wasn't your intention but you gave me strength when I needed it and I wish I could return the favor. The thing is you have a lot to live for. We weren't put here on this planet to deal with these demons and not get through this. We are going to look back on these times and thing wow I can't believe I made it through that. Baby steps. We probably won't be there tomorrow. Lets make small goals. What is one positive thing you can do tomorrow that is a step in the right direction? Know you are not alone and that many people are here who have been through/are going through the same thing. We need to lean on each other. Thats what this board is for. My names Erin by the way. 


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