Was it me?

I feel very silly posting this as I feel you guys have truly been traumatically raped but something is happening to be and it's scary. When I was 14 I hug around at a flat and was a bit Naughty smoking and drinking, there was a man there who was 26 and I had a crush on him but he had a girlfriend, one night he kissed me and I was really happy and it happened a few times and he would give me a lift in his car. After a few weeks he took me in his car and proceeded to go further I said no as I was a virgin and scared but he just kept carrying on saying come on it's fine you want to and I didn't, anyway I didn't enjoy it and to be honest it really hurt and I stupidly thought this must mean he loves me. We went back to the flat wher we hung out and I heard him tell his friends (other men) that's 7 virgins I've had now and I absolutely felt like shit. I was confused I didn't know what was going on is this man now my boyfriend am I in a relationship I was just confused. A few weeks later he asked if I wanted to go to the beach with my friends and whilst they were in the sea he jumped on me in the front seat and did it to me again I didn't say no I just went stiff and I didn't know what to do. After that we went back and I saw him with his girlfriend and thought I just don't want this. I then stayed away from him and he saw me walking one day and as I turned the other way he came after me in his car and made me stop. I said I didn't want to talk to him and he asked me not to tell any one and I never did. I didn't see him after that. I'm now nearly 40 and for the last few years off and on this has really been playing on my mind. I've gone through my life thinking I was a stupid young girl who put herself in a stupid situation and just feel sad that this is the way my virginity was taken. But these past few weeks I'm not sleeping and having nightmares reliving this in my head thinking what I did to make him think it was ok after all I was 14 and he was a man. I don't know what to think I'm so confused. Was it my fault? And if so why now after all this time is this messing with my mind?
Please someone can u tell me what's wrong with me?

 

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