Lost.

It never really gets easier.
​There's no one you can really trust.

​I'm a single mother, 20 years old.
​I have been raped twice.
​The first time, I was able to block out.
​No one knows about it.
​But this time,has taken over my life.
​Ruined friendships. Ruined myself as a mother.

​I had a best friend, her name was "Tina". We had a group of people we grew up with, and would party with. There was a kid, we can call him "Elmo". He would always have parties at his house. Growing up with him, i never felt any type of way to have my guard up.The whole group I felt would protect me. I used to sleep at Elmos house often, we were friends. Same bed. And We've never done anything. Always stayed on seperate sides of the bed.? But one? night, i had gotten really drunk. To the point to where I'm surprised I didn't get alcohol poisoning.
​I had asked him for clothes, like i usually have, to change into. & He gave me these super small, basketball shorts,and said over and over again to me that? i cant take them home. (i have a tendancy to take clothes home,and claim them.)
​So,i?go to lay down,to go to sleep. I curled in? a ball. in a corner. He?brought me to the edge of the bed, took off the shorts and said,you know you can't keep them right? I said i know, im going to sleep.
​he wasn't having it. he started to kiss my neck, and hold? my wrists, all i kept saying was no, i dont feel good. i need to go to sleep. each time he kept getting angrier. he said to me, get out, call your uber and go home. I was so drunk i couldn't even do that.All i wanted to do was go to sleep. he started to? try and fool around again, and with how intoxicated i was, all i could do was say no ... i eventually gave up on fighting it.i blacked out.?
​afterwards,i was blowing up Tina's phone.? 150 calls. i dont? rememeber what happened after that.
​all? i know is is that i was home,i dont even rememeber the next day.
​I had texted liza, that night saying that: i had fucked Elmo.
​but, i didnt want it. i think that was all i was able to type clearly.
​the next day, i called Tina,? explaining what happened.
​i could just tell,she thought i was lying.
​- not proud at all to say this,but ive had sex with alot of people more intoxicated, and have regretted it, but i have NEVER called rape. im a woman,i own my shit.
but i know i didnt want this.
it changed me.
​i couldnt look at myself in the mirror,i barely showered, i wasnt working,had quit both of my jobs.? i was angry at everyone, and staying sober was very hard to do.
​i lost myself.
​Tina, thinking she was my bestfriend. (which we have been bestfriends for 8 years), had betrayed me.
​I wasnt myself to the point that, i was saying very very nasty things about my child, and how i didnt want to be a mother, and i wish i never got sober . (before i got pregnant i was on alot of drugs) i said some things that, i cant live with myself for ever saying.
​but behind closed doors,i never neglected my child, i never abused or left my child. i always showed him love, affection, nourishment. but for those words i said, i am the worst person imaginable. she befriended me.??I did take her befriendment, and used it to better myself. I got a full time job, i blocked it out? & i became a better mother, and person.
Grown women, when they get into an argument, dont send screen shots about your business. they dont tell anyone else what happened to you.regardless..

- so now, everyone knows these disgusting things about me. i had gotten? my friend a job with me, well call her sue. Sue,started working with me,andit ruined our whole friendship. Sue, was raped a few years back and i thought she would be the best person to open up to about it. . I was wrong. Sue and I gotinto an argument, which led sue to call TINA,and tina went and sent her all these screen shots,so now im this supposed liar about being raped, and im this shitty mother. Sue basically had told everyone at my job. So now all i get is cold shoulder.
​Sue had texted me last friday, while im out with this guy that i really liked for years, and he invted me out, and we were laying down cuddling. And she texted me with alll these accusations.all this, youre a liar youre a shitty mother,i should call CPS onyou, (but she was friends with this girl lexa,who completely neglected her child for the first year and a half,having sue and her boyfriend basicially being the? parents to thischild, while she was out doing drugs, and going to? rehab for METH. being drunk,high? and bringing her child to parties) but im fucked up,for a few words. so, this guy'sname is paul. and god, paul is such a good guy. and i broke down in tears,and i had to tell him why i was crying, i couldnt stop. I made a complete fool out of myself. after i had told him about it, (which i barely rememebr since i was drinking alittle bit) we had gotten into the talk about,why i didnt want to tell him. and why i had these feelings for him, and blah blah. i basically made a fool out of myself, i made myself look disgusting to? him. i wouldnt want to chill w me again, or talk? to me. after that talk, he kept trying to fool around,buti honestly couldnt get into it. but he wasnt mad that i wasnt. but anywho.
​i dont know what to do with myself.
​i can barely walk into my job,i dont even want to go on social media.

Am i a bad mother? Obviously since i was that drunk,the rape was my fault.
​( i knowalot of you are going to say,go to the cops,or why didnt yuou)
​I didnt wnt to belive it. ididnt wantto livewith it.? faceit. see him. my mother wouldnt have believed me, all anyone wuld say was thatit was my fault. i didntneed anything else being thrown at me in this custody case. but nowthese texts, with the way i spoke? about my child....i can losehim. i dontknowwhat to do. i havent beenmyself , im this angry person again. and honestly all i want to do i s beat the shit out of tina, and sue. but, im not that person anymore.
​i dont need advice, i need support. help.

if anyone actually read this whole thing, thank you. no judgements please.

No, the rape wasn't your fault. It doesn't matter how drunk you were, your rapist is the only one at fault. You were friends with this guy, and in most cultures, people trust their friends. So he betrayed your trust, your friendship, and your body. He didn't have to rape you, nobody does, but he did anyway because he's a piece of shit. The only thing that causes rape is rapists. Not what you were wearing, not how much you drank, not where you were, just rapists.

?

why are these "friends" that i trusted, blamingme?? saying that im lying. all i cansay is that, they werent there,they dont know what happened.That one text, really made everyone turn on me.
​why did? it have to happen, i said such bad things.... i wasnt myself.
what do i do.

i know im not proud of the things i have said? but i never meant them.? why is everyone so hung up on constantly hurting me.

The only thing I can think of for you to do is to either start looking for a new job and start cutting ties with these or find a way to resolve the conflict between the two of you such as by sitting down and trying talk about it civilly. Some people are just mean and feed off drama. I don't honestly don't know what to say about the things you said about your child, because I don't know the actual nature of what you said or the legalities that could be involved if CPS really were contacted. I wouldn't say they would take your baby away, because I've seen plenty of drug addicted parents who still have their kids and even talked to a girl whose mother told her awful things and forced her to take antidepressants that weren't hers, and even after telling a counselor about it, nothing was really done about it.

 

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