I am 20 and he is 24. We are work colleagues. I had a long distance boyfriend my age and we were going through very hard times and he knew this. I live by myself and in a small village so I don't have much company so when he invited me around on weekends I did want/need company.
He invited me round one weekend to bake and on the first night I slept on his bed and he slept on the sofa. He looked very uncomfortable so I said he could also sleep in the bed (at first I was thinking top and tail but I was too shy to suggest it). Anyway it was fine until we sort of got quite close in bed. I was a really bad stage in my relationship and it sounds awful but being close like that felt nice. I didn't want any more to happen but then he kissed me. My mind was blank and I didn't know what to do.
I've been trying to forget what happened so the details maybe a little sketchy but I can only then imagine we kissed more. I must sound like an awful person but because things were going so badly with my boyfriend I sort of didn't mind that stage (of course I've now reflected and I know I shouldn't have done that). Things started to go a bit further and I said no. I kept saying no but because I was so emotionally drained from what had been happening with my boyfriend but I didn't physically stop him. When he removed me clothes I kind of just laid there because I didn't want it to happen and I said no but for some reason I just didn't stop him.
We had sex and I felt awful afterwards.
We had plans for the next weekend and I said I would only go around there if nothing would happen. As soon as I got round he kissed me and as I've said before (because I am awful) I was fine kissing back. At some point that weekend basically the same thing as above happened.
I think this happened for another weekend, I really can't (and don't want to remember), but he said he had ran out of condoms so nothing could happen anyway if I stayed round again. Same thing happened again, with me saying no and this time I knew it couldn't go any further but he brought more condoms without telling me and it did. I cried a lot after at his place and he knew how upset it made me.
I did tell my boyfriend a little while after I had time to process things.
I know I shouldn't have stayed round again but I found it so hard living by myself in a really small place (and I can't drive).
I don't want to tell any of my friends this happened because I feel so ashamed I would do that when I was in a relationship. I don't know if this is classed as rape because I only said no and didn't physically do anything but I do definitely feel he took advantage of me and I am finding it hard to process it. I know there were a lot of mixed messages and he definitely should have stopped when I said no and he shouldn't have done anything when I had a boyfriend.
Thanks for reading, any thoughts, comments, your opinions about this would be much appreciated.?
"and he shouldn't have done anything when I had a boyfriend"
Sorry, but how is that his responsibility? He's not accountable for your decisions. I will gladly side with any woman or man who has been the victim of sexual assault, but we are all responsible for own actions and decisions. You went back to his place so you couldn't have felt too uncomfortable. But even if you did, it was your choice to do so. Sorry, but that's on you and you alone.
At the risk of seeming insensitive, it sounds like you're a victim of your own decisions, not a victim of him.