The Story of the 17 Year Old Me. Was it MY Fault?

On October 6, 2012 I turned 17. I was with my then boyfriend Cody. In December 2012, we broke up. I saw him two weeks after we broke up, on December 15, 2012. We were talking about getting back together. We went on a walk, and came to a fork in the road. We could go left, which would take us to the dried up lake, right, which would take us back to his house in McIntosh, Florida, or straight, which would take us to some woods we visited three months prior. I said I didn't care and he chose straight. I knew he was going to want sex at that very moment, but I don't turn arounnd.  Cody kept telling me "Your butt looks nice in those pants," so I covered my butt with my hands. He turned and walked a few feet away, and sat down. I went and sat next to him. After a brief period of silence, he said my name. When I turned to him, he kissed me. And we were starting to make out, and then he laid me down. I told him "No, I don't want to do anything while we aren't together," but he didn't listen. He kept trying to unbutton my jeans and I moved his hand away. He held both my arms down with his left and tried to undo my jeans with his right.There was two times that I got my hand free to stop his hand.  He then proceeded to GUILT me into having sex with him. "If you loved me, you would do this for me." "I thought you loved me." "C'mon babe, please do this." After 15 minutes of me saying no and moving his hand, I gave in. I said fine. FINE IS NOT OKAY. FINE IS NOT YES.  I untied my shoes and he took them off, along with my jeans. He lifted my butt up and slid by jeans under me so I wouldn't get dirt or leaves on me. He slipped on a condom and inserted himself in me. After awhile, he flipped me over and said "Let's do number two," and I told him "No." He told me "But you promised we would do it once a month," then I proceeded to say that since we broke up, it was voided, and he said no it wasn't. So, once again, I said "Fine." When he came, he took of the condom, and got some of him on my jeans. He helped me up and said we needed to head back to his house.
When it was time for me to go, his dad said "I'm gonna take Cody's girlfriend home. I'll be right back." I thought it was my fault. I thought that since I didn't keep saying no, since I didn't yell, scream, cry out, try to push him off and run, that it was my fault. I still think that, because I didn't try hard enough.  Three days later, Cody messaged me on Facebook. "so we shouldnt go back out." That was his exact message. When I asked him why, he replied "we aren't that close anymore." He said I changed. He said that I was different that day then I was when he asked me out. I HATED myself. I wanted to die. I got severe depression, had terrible anxiety and a panic attacks, paranoia, and so much more. I attempted suicide FIVE TIMES. I had night terrors up until June 2014. A year and a half. I started smoking pot and drinking to numb myself of the pain. But it didn't work. I thought I was a whore, a slut, a skank, a LIAR. All because people called me these things. I pushed out what happened and put in what others thought happened. That I changed my mind.  I joined the military, and was discharged for depression, PTSD and anxiety. I still struggle with these. I'm currently in Tucson, AZ, visiting him. I began self harming again, after being 292 days clean. I hate myself. I'm so unconfident in myself. My ednos is back. I hate everything I've become.  Cody is currently serving our country in the United States Air Force. He's living his dream while I'm fearing living mine. This is my story, this is my nightmare. I'll just never wake up from it.

First let me say I am sorry no one responded to this sooner.  It is almost impossible to find words that will make any difference.  I personally hate hearing, "it wasn't your fault."  It's hard for people who haven't been there to understand that those words just feel hollow.  Where you ARE right is that "fine" is not yes and since sex is something both people should desire he should have cared about how you felt and what you wanted..  All he cared about was what he wanted and he didn't care about how you felt.  

Forgive me me for asking but have you gone for counseling?  The best part about counseling is that it helps you to not feel alone.

What I can also tell you Lissa is that there is life after rape.  You can move on with the rest of your life.  You can survive and find happiness.  But I can't make you survive, a counselor cannot make you survive, a new guy cannot make you survive.  Only YOU can pick yourself up, get determined and move on with your life.  But the important part is YOU CAN do this.  

Gurl.com is an amazing forum and there are some incredible people here.  But there are also a lot of other resources online.  I am sure there are also some programs near where you live to help.  

Having the guts to post here what you did is amazing.  So it shows you are beginning to survive.  Please message me if you need to chat.  Or you can post more here.  In ways you are more brave than I as I have only shared one tiny aspect of what happened to me kinda hidden in one post so far.  Maybe you can be here some for me too.  

You can be a suvivor.  

Rape is NEVER the victim's fault, I promise.

 

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