My best friend has invited them to her wedding.

Just over a year ago, I slept in the same bed as two very good friends of mine, a married couple. I woke up and he had his fingers inside me and then had sex with me and then had sex with her. I didn't tell him to stop and I never said anything about it. I just stopped seeing them. I went off the rails. Every time I drank alcohol I would get to a state of black out drunk and behave really badly. I kissed my best friend's ex fiance and can't even remember doing it. We fell out and didn't speak for nearly a year. I gave up drinking for 6 months and did a yoga course and did lots of counselling. During this time my dad was diagnosed with cancer but, thank God or the universe or whatever, he was treated and has made a full recovery. So I had a really shit time and feel pretty traumatised by what happened with those people. Let's call them John and Kate. My other best friend, let's call her Leanne, knows all of this. She was the first person I told about what happened with John and Kate.

She is getting married in July and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. It's going to be an amazing wedding. We have so many mutual friends it is going to be a beautiful affair with nearly all of my favourite people in the world together in one place. A few of our friends are in a 12 piece funk band and they're playing. The band is amazing. A few of our friends DJ. They'll all be playing. I really want to go.

Before Christmas she brought up the topic of inviting John and Kate because we went to their wedding and obviously not everybody knows what they did to me so it would be weird if she didn't invite them and I said maybe I will get in touch with them and tell them how I feel so that maybe they wouldn't feel so strange if Leanne didn't invite them to the wedding. As it stands, they might not even realise how traumatised I am by the whole thing. I went away and thought about this (Leanne and I live about 200 miles away from each other) and decided that I didn't want to get in touch with them. I just never want to have contact with them again. I want to forget about the whole thing. So the next time I saw Leanne I told her that I was going to get in touch with them, for her, but actually I don't want to and I don't think I can. She said yeah that's fine I understand and assured me she wouldn't invite them to the wedding and I told her that you can say whatever you like to them. I don't mind if you tell them what I've told you etc. Now, I have known Leanne for years and over the last 12 months or so I have learnt that she doesn't like to rock the boat with anybody so she will just tell you what you want to hear. Even if that conflicts with what she said to somebody else because that was what they wanted to hear. I don't think she does it intentionally. She can't help it.

So anyway...

Leanne and her husband-to-be (let's call him Jack) haven't got round to sending out invitations yet so they made an event on Facebook so everybody would keep the date free in their diary. I clicked attend as soon as I saw it and wrote a comment because I was really excited and everything... and a few minutes later, I noticed that Kate was also going and she also wrote something on it about being super excited. And then I realised that they were going to Leanne's wedding.

I phoned my mum, I told her I can't do it. I cried. I felt really disappointed by Leanne. I thought I couldn't go. I saw them at a festival last year and had an anxiety attack. I wasn't at all sober which probably had something to do with it but, I'm not going to be sober at Leanne's wedding either. Who knows what might happen. I might break down, I might get really drunk and make a scene. (I have had issues with alcohol in the past when life isn't running smoothly.) And I just don't want to see them. Full stop.

AND THEN.... she's invited Kate to her hen do?!

What on earth am I supposed to do? Jesus. What does Leanne expect?? I can't do it. I don't want to spoil her day. I don't want to make a big drama out of it and stress her out. It's her wedding. But she hasn't even told me or spoken to me about inviting them to the wedding or the hen do, when she TOLD me that she wouldn't!

I am going to see her next weekend and I really don't want to talk to her about this but I really don't think I can go. Especially not the hen do. There will be more people to dilute the situation at the wedding but still. I am an unknown quantity when alcohol is involved and I will be around a lot of people who I tend to get really drunk with when I see them. I just think it's a bad idea. Plus it will just upset me. I have hardly thought about them recently and now the whole thing is back on my mind. Agh. I don't think there is any easy solution to this but I just wanted to share. =(

I am very sorry that this even happned to you in the first place.  As for the wedding I would confront your friend and explain exactly how you feel and the anxieties caused by her inviting them at all and the posibility that you man not be in the same place with them at all.  A true friend would let them know that they are not welcome at her wedding or any events surrounding it.

Thanks for your reply. I am actually going back home for a few days tomorrow so I have messaged the friend who's getting married and asked if she wants to do lunch on Thursday so hopefully I can see her on my own. Loads of our other friends are coming down on the weekend so I doubt I'll get a chance then. But, she hasn't replied. She probably knows what I want to talk to her about! Hopefully she'll get back to me. I think I'm going to tell her I'm freaking out about the wedding and see where the conversation goes from there. I agree with you when you say a true friend would let them know they aren't welcome... she's supposed to be one of my closest but this whole thing is making me feel like she doesn't really care too much about my feelings! The guy I'm seeing is playing at the wedding and I mentioned it to him the other day (he also lives in my hometown) and he said oh it'll be fine! which obviously didn't convince me and he said we can talk this weekend... I don't know if he is going to be able to help though!

stay away from trauma. you started getting away from alcohol, also stay away from the couple you have had experience. if Leanne is a true friend, she can understnd you. by not attending, you keep yourself away from two things, alcohol and indescent act which is at your advantage.

 

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