Sexually abused my whole childhood.

There are 4 different episodes that happened to me when I was very young. 2 of which I don't remember much from, just the start and end. And the other 2 I only remember little flashes. One was in pre K. It was a very rough school and they treated me very differently then the other children since I was the only white kid. They would yell at me and make me stand up during nap time which would make me have belly aches. I remember one day another boy from my class made me lay down next to him in a corner out of the teachers sight. I don't remember what happens but I know it was something wrong. The teacher caught us and told my mom. The whole ride home my mom told me how bad I was and that I was in big trouble. The second time was with my cousin. We were both young probably 6 . My older cousins wouldn't let me and him in the room and we weren't allowed in the living room because my aunt and uncle were watching a scary movie. They said if we do what they say we could come in. They made us get undressed and go under the covers. I don't remember anything that happened during but I do remember my aunt coming in and yelling at me and making me take a bath. She told my mom but we never talked about it again. The third time was with my brother. He's four years older than me and he was probably 9 or 10 at the time. Were in our bedroom and he told me to climb on top of him. He tried to put his penis in me. I remember him asking me if it was in and nodding. I don't remember anything , just the next morning us eating breakfast and him acting like nothing happened. The forth time it was with the same cousin again. We were in the pool and he tryed to put his penis in me and I don't remember anything from that one. After these episodes I seemed to always find myself doing sexual things with other little boys and girls. It always felt wrong but i always seemed to be put in the situation. Lately I've been thinking about it more and remembering things like a therapist with a doll in her hand sort of like the dolls you see on tv where they ask the child where the person touched you. I have a feeling I was raped but I can't remember. Theirs too many memories that I have that can't possibly be coincidence. I know that if I was raped when I was little my mom probably wouldn't tell me. I feel like I was brainwashed. Im always looking at old photos of me with men i dont recognize wondering if they were my rapist. I also get extremely nervous around males. If I even get close to being in a sexual situation I get a sick feeling and start to panic. I'm scared I'll never be able to have sex. I also have very irregular periods and I'm scared that I may have been hurt down there and I won't be able to have kids. I've never told anyone this. My friend recently confessed to being sexually abused and I told her that I was as well but left it at that and gave no details. I physically can not say the word rape or molested and I know I'll never be able to tell anyone. I guess I'm writing this to take a weight off my shoulders.

Hey,
well done for having the courage to post this hun, you're so brave. Firstly, if you feel you were abused, you need to talk to the police, as they might be able to help you piece together what has happened. Do you have any adults you trust who you could talk to about this?

Don't worry about not wanting sex-eventually when you're with someone you truly love, the feeling might go away and he might make you feel safe enough to do it. As for the irregular periods, it's probably just coincidence, but why not speak to your doctor, just to put your mind at rest?

If you ever need a chat, feel free to inbox me :)
X

im so sorry this happened to you dear. If u want to talk u can inbox me as well

the mere touch of your body against your will is rape. for a very young age who even doesnt know what sex is, can be understood. it is just sad that your parents, as i see it didnt support you. even at a younger age, they(as parents) must explain what is truly happening. there the ones
should open it up to you and have free and open discussion with the matter. seek and talk to a guidance counselor. and keep praying.

 

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