Feel helpless

I've been a member here for a while but never really posted. Now I need to. Last Thursday I tried ending everything. I failed, but the desire is still there. No one knows, and I feel so alone and helpless. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and wake up in cold chills. I don't know what's wrong with me.?

Well it's likely a medical problem which is treatable, and actually not that uncommon. Can you go see a doctor? Any doctor would be a good place to start, and they can then refer you to a specialist, and maybe do some blood tests or give you a medication to try.

There are a lot of people out there who understand this, like me, because I've been there, and we all want to help and get you back to well.

have you been feeling this way a long time? Or did this just suddenly start?

Feeling this way a whole week certainly is a strong indicator of a medical problem. It may be low thyroid, or numerous other things, can throw off the balance of hormones and neurotransmitter chemicals, and you feel just awful when it affects the body, and when it affects the brain you feel awful and it affects your perception of the world and the world seems like an awful place.

I eventually realized the problem had to be me, because no one else was feeling the way I was, so the world probably wasn't an awful place, it was just my perception of the world was feeling truly awful. The problem wasn't with the picture, the problem was with the camera.

I'm guessing you didn't get taken to the hospital? I'm guessing you somehow survived without intervention, since you say no one knows.

It's hard to find someone who's been there and understands. But I've been surprised how many there are! I'm guessing as much as 10% of the population around me has had a similar experience.

You can see if there's a local NAMI affiliated chapter near you.
https://www.nami.org

and there's this essay giving hope for recovery:
http://www.wingofmadness.com/depression-as-a-medical-illness-19

Most important thing is to remember is there is hope. You won't have to suffer this way your whole life. And you are not alone. There are many of us out there who understand what you are going through.

Thank you. Yeah my attempted failed so no one found out. I've seen a doctor and they just prescribe antidepressants. Maybe I need to switch to a new one.?

Yes I had to try a whole lot of different antidepressant medications before finding one that actually worked for me.

Unfortunately my psychiatrist doctor says there's no way of determining which antidepressant medication will be the one that works for a particular person, other than trying them all one by one until you get lucky.

I tried a whole bunch. Some did nothing. Some made me feel a little different but nothing special. Some had intollerable side effects and I quit them right away. I tried Prozac and it kept me awake like drinking 20 cups of coffee. So I quickly stopped that one after a few days. (Later my mother who's bipolar tried Prozac and it put her to sleep for 18 hours. You just never know...)

We just kept trying different ones. My doctor made me try each one for 6 weeks, which I hated. I wanted to try different ones faster than that. I wanted an instant cure because I was suffering so badly.

When we finally tried the one that ended up being the one for me I recall I could tell rather quickly within a couple weeks that we had found a winner. I just started to slowly feel better and better. And better. Soon it got to a point where I thought, "I could live with this." And it got even better. Eventually I thought, "Wow, I didn't know life could be so good." And it got even better still. it kept getting better for an entire year. At the end of a year I finally felt --? normal. Something I hadn't felt in years. Sure feels good now. Well, not necessarily good; instead I'd say it feels well.

Now I just do maintenance to help keep myself well. I see a counselor once a week, so I have someone to whine, bitch and complain about whatever's going on in my life, and someone to watch over me and notice if I drift out of well. There's a place in town that trains counselors, and the young trainees practice on me, so it's really cheap, and they're actually quite good.

And I do meditation a lot, which I've learned to do. I enjoy doing it in a group setting, and there are several places in town that offer it. (One is a Buddhist center, though I'm not a Buddhhist. They're into meditation a lot. Supposedly the Buddha discovered it as an effective treatment eons ago.)

I have a friend who was seriously depressed for a long time until she started taking a Jiu-Jitsu class. Apparently that exercise plus meeting other people was what she needed most and it worked wonders for her.

There are Yoga classes that combine the relaxation of meditation with exercise. There's a whole lot of different types of Yoga and I'm not familiar with them all. I've had best luck with "Therapeutic Yoga", or asking around for recommendations for an easy beginner's Yoga class.

There are Qi-gong and Tai-Chi classes, which combine the focusing of attention that meditation is, with motion. Meditative motion exercises, where you really focus your mind on simple motions.

I still occasionally get depressed. And once in awhile I get so depressed the idea of suicide enters my mind. But I know it's only temporary and it'll pass in a day or two and I'll be OK again. I've found a couple friends who understand, and when I get that way I just turn to them and they know I just want them to watch over me for a couple days until it passes.

More recently I've been noticing how much the food I eat plays a part in my mood. If I skip lunch I can get quite depressed in the afternoon, and I start to wonder why am I suddenly so depressed, why has the world suddenly become so dark, because I wasn't this way this morning, and I eventually make the connection that the world really hasn't become a bad place in the past few hours, I just skipped lunch and that was a stupid thing to do. I go eat some healthy food and my mood lifts after a few hours and I'm well again. Kinda weird to have my world fluctuate so much based on what I eat. I'm starting to make it a higher priority to make sure I eat a decent lunch.

I also go to processing groups which I enjoy. It's nice to see the same people once a week, and we can "Check In" and say whatever's on our mind, or happening in our life, and even though that doesn't change anything, somehow it makes it all feel better.

One last thing is one time when I was going through a rough time, I wasn't on the verge of suicide, but I decided to gather those phone numbers and call them just to make sure they worked. The phone number the hospital gave me turned out to be no longer in service! Glad I tried it before I actually needed it! That would have really sucked to discover the number was disconnected when I actually needed it! (Yes I did inform the hospital the number they were handing out was no longer in service.) It's nice to call and say, "Yes I'm Actually Not having a crisis right now, I'm just calling to make sure this number works, because I'm pretty close to having a crisis and I just want to be prepared when it happens." I figure I'm making their day a little easier by being someone who's not quite yet having a crisis, so I'm a little bit easier for them to talk to.

Best wishes. Hang in there. Give your doctor feedback on what the medication is doing, or not doing. And have hope that there's probably another way out, that you'll probably eventually get well, though it may take a long time, which I remember really, really sucked at the time that it took so long. But I'm all better now. So I pass the hope on to others.

Whatever you're going through just know that Jesus loves you. I'm going to see a therapist too because we need real help even with the revelation of His love but it is the best place to start. Perfect love casts out fear.?

 

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