What if it doesn't get better?

I am twenty three years old, I live at home with my mother, I have no car, no job, no friends, and a plethora of issues. My foremost issue being that I have mental health problems, I ....what if it doesn't get better? I'm twenty three, I was diagnosed with bipolar and SAD and a sh**t ton of other stuff when I was sixteen, after I tried to commit suicide. Everyone said it would get better. I've tried, I TRY so hard, and all that happens is I end up right back at the start. I'm even on here again. I don't know how much longer I can hold on, and I'm terrified that this is it. Just a bulls**t, mundane, tragic existence. More than that....I'm terrified that I won't die. Like I know eventually, yes, but I've been seriously considering suicide again, with pills, again....and what if it doesn't work? Like before. I don't want to be locked up again, and I don't own a gun....and there's no other way for me to commit suicide that I would try.Because the possibility of failure is just too strong, and I have nowhere to hang myself, I have a shower not a tub so slitting my wrists would take too long, and probably only just cause severe damage to my wrists. I'm afraid I'll be stuck in this hell until I'm old and grey, and have truly gone insane. My life is going nowhere, just one looping circle of failure. Part of me is so optimistic though, because it just keeps going, "Hold on, it MIGHT get better! You never know" But, it's been this way forever...why should anything change? I don't know what to do. I know part of this is my disease, I'm Bipolar, I have social anxiety disorder, and I have no job and my car got reposessed...these are things are bound to make me depressed, and BP comes with it.....but it's hard to stay peppy. I'm trapped inside every day, stuck looking at pictures of other people living their lives, working, and going to school. traveling, having friends, when my "friends" only ever talk to me as an afterthought. I just, I'm wasting my youth, and I don't know....I just don't know about anything. I thought maybe if I talked about it....it would help, I don't know. I'm just lost, and hovering over a way out.....

I'm in the exact same position...

 

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