I'm Troubled

Two people I love committed suicide in the last year, one of whice was my brother. There were two deaths to cancer, one murder... in years previous there were two tragic accidents, two aneurisms, one to lymphoma... I'm sure you get the picture. There's been a lot of loss in my life. I miss these people more than I can explain. I ache.

The people I mentioned that committed suicide, it's not that I don't understand why or how they could have done so, perhaps more troubling than that, I can very easily understand why and how. It's not so much that I want to kill myself, but I very much welcome death at this point. My life is very stressful, and very high-intensity, for many reasons I won't pour into for the moment.

I want to join the people I've lost... I won't act on these feelings, if for no other reason than I am too much of a coward and also I couldn't do that to my friends and family. I just... don't know where to go from here. I know on some level I should want to get better, and I guess in some way I do, but overall... I don't want to get better. I just want to stop. I don't even know what I mean when I say that, I just want "it" to stop.

I know I'm at a point where I either need to give up or I need to get help, more than I already have... but I don't know what is winning anymore.

If anyone has something to say, I welcome you to say it. Whatever it might be.

I feel like you should seek help at this point, although it never helped me, It has helped alot of people.

It's hard. No one can tell you how to mourn and I know how you feel when you say you want to join them. I lost my mom when I was 18 and thier are still days like today, I wish I could join her and don't understand why I must be punished by staying on earth. I can only imagine the greif you must feel, its only human and it means your good person. If you weren't hurting for those who you have lost then you'd be a pretty cold person. The love they have for in life doesn't stop even if we can't see them anymore.

I can relate to your feelings. Most days I am not happy, I am either angry or just sad and the days that I am not I feel like i am just there, I guess numb. A lot of times I don't see the point in things, some days I do consider suicide and other days I would just welcome death if it happened. Lossing loved ones is never easy, especially when it seems to happen so often. Stayong strong is even harder. Definitely look to others for help, wther it might be a threapist, friends and/or family, or even a stranger on the street. Sometimes even writing down your feelings can help. i try to find things that make life enjoyable for me, and I've started cutting things out of my life that I feel like overwhelm me more. It helps. Also, I'm not sure how you feel about it, but maybe try talking to those that you lost outloud or in your head, I'm not completely religious, but I do believe that the ones we lost are watching over us. They would want to see you happy and prospering; doing the things that you love. They would want you to keep pushing yourself and to never give up, I don't know you and I want you to. Take every day at a time and discover what little things make you even a little bit happy because sometimes they can make the difference. If you ever need to talk or vent I'm here. :)



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