Would it really be so bad if I didn't exist?

I've had suicidal thoughts for quite a while, a couple year at least. Not all the time, sometimes I'm happy and the world seems to be all rainbows and butterflies, but during the darker moments, which seem to be happening more and more of late. So much so that I can't hardly remember what happiness really feels like anymore. At first it was merely questions of what if I were to kill myself? How would I do it? Who would find me? And could I put somebody through that? Lately though, I've switch from asking questions to actually making plans. I've decided how, I know who would probably find me, and I've already started composing a letter in my head to help assauge him of any guilt he may feel, though I doubt simple words on paper would ever be enough but then that would just be one more thing I couldn't do right. I just keep fucking up one thing after another. I guess the only thing I have managed to do right is convince everyone that I'm a lot happier than I am. Everybody looks at me but nobody sees and I don't want them to because I am so ashamed of this weak, foolish little girl that I am. When it comes right down to it, I don't think I could kill myself really, but I also can't continue living like this. I could be crushed under the weight of the fake smile I put on every morning.

I understand where you are in your life right now and I want you to know that you are brave and strong to be so honest with yourself in this post. Transitioning from the "what ifs?" to actual plans is concerning. I do not believe that you are weak and foolish at all and you have nothing to be ashamed of for what you are feeling. We all hurt and some of us hurt more than others. It does not make us weak, it makes us human. Maybe it's time for you to come out from behind your smile to someone who cares about you and loves you. I do not know you, but I know this - the longer you hurt alone, the greater the void and the emptiness you create within yourself. It's totally scary to tell someone about the darkness you feel that is consuming you and the hopelessness that is making you consider suicide. But nothing is more scary than making a permanent decision about your life that you cannot take back. Give yourself a chance to get the support you need before you leave everyone believing that you're happy when you are not.

I can only speak from personal experience when I say that I have been in the darkness and I have seen the light. It is an overwhelming love, there is peace, joy and strength to carry on. There is a freedom in God that leaves you without the burdens and there is a companionship that makes you realize you were never alone. Everything I have ever gone through I have realized that my relationship with God has been the greatest factor in my overcoming. I am not pushing religion or trying to make you think that God will take all your problems away. I am just speaking from my own experience with the darkness and the hurt that comes with this life and the way I have learned to deal with it. I pray most of all that you will give yourself another chance in this life. I pray that you will look for the glimmer of hope to get you through and I pray that you let someone into your pain. You do not have to continue under the weight of your hurt. Jesus shows His love for us in many ways and you can find it in the people that love and support you too. Give them a chance to prove to you that they want to help you be happy. It is not too much to ask.

There is a reason no one knows about the darkness, the black thoughts, I tried to open up before about how I felt and all I got was a lecture. You see, I'm an atheist, and when I told my (now ex) boyfriend how I was feeling, he basically told me that it was my punishment for not believing. I know that's not what you're saying. You're talking from personal experience, and I'm glad your beliefs helped you through your dark times. My lack of belief is what keeps my head above water now. It's easier to think there is no higher power, otherwise I'd just be angry all the time that some all powerful being could allow all the misery and suffering in the world, all the misery and suffering in my life. My life isn't even that bad really. Compared to some people's lives, I have it good and I have no reason to feel the way I do.

It is hard to tell people how I'm really feeling. I'm afraid that if I do, they wouldn't take me seriously, and they'd have no reason to. I go to great lengths to hide how I feel. Now everytime I think of telling someone, I'm afraid that maybe I hide it too well.

Well there's not much to lose in giving it a try. Sometimes you just have to give someone the chance to prove you wrong. Maybe he or she will believe you and allow the peace of finding a confidant. 

Even though our beliefs may differ, I will pray for you. I know that it is easy to blame God for the darkness in this world, but that doesn't change that He's the light. And I want you to know that whatever it is you're going through, don't be too hard on yourself. And try not to give up. You are valuable and worth it and your story can change someone else's life for the better. Give yourself a chance to make it through to the other side. This too shall pass. 

And one more thing, just because your life isn't as horrible as someone else's life doesn't mean that you don't have the right to feel hurt or upset about your own. Everyone has a different battle, but it is a fight nonetheless. 

Sounds like a very familiar medical disorder.

When it gets to the point that you describe then I recommend reading this story (which eventually has a happy ending):
http://www.wingofmadness.com/depression-as-a-medical-illness-19

and then I recommend seeing a doctor, a Psychiatrist doctor would be the specialist to go to. Any good Psychiatrist doctor will immediately recognize those symptoms, ask some questions about your health to rule out other possible causes, (like low thyroid), and then the rest is explained in the story above.

While most people won't understand, (and you may not understand either until later when you've come out the other side), any decent Psychiatrist doctor will immediately recognize those symptoms as classic clinical depression, which is treatable, with a good prognosis, so you won't have to live the rest of your life this way.

Note: Psychologist = talk therapist. Psychiatrist = doctor. Both are useful in their own way.

One clue it's a medical problem is medical problems don't get better by talking about it.

Sorry you feel so low right now. It's only because I've been there myself, and I once wondered myself how a doctor could fix my problems with the world. It wasn't until I realized the problem wasn't with the picture, the problem was with the camera. The picture looked bad because the camera was broken.

(As for religion, I was an atheist myself. I couldn't believe in the traditional "God above the clouds who answers prayers and gives us things we ask for, like a divine Santa Claus." Then I discovered being an atheist freed me to seek out something I could believe in. And I moved beyond atheism into what I'm not sure how to describe, something spiritual and meaningful. [Certainly having my clinical depression fixed helped a lot too!] And I see now that people on the Christian path sort of parallels my path, except they use different words and a different language in their attempt to describe what they seek, but they are seeking the same thing I am.

In fact I visited a Christian church just last week. I was able to worship with them and feel good like I was one of them. The only thing I didn't care for was the friend I went with decided that I wasn't "saved", and urged me to be "saved", and that makes me feel like I'm an outcast, like they don't accept me as I am, or they think I'm not happy, so I feel they don't know me very well, because I'm quite happy and content.

I prefer to go to one of the non-Christian churches: Unitarian, Unity, Science of Mind, Center of the Heart, Center for Spiritual Living. Many people today say they are "spiritual but not religious".)

Anyway read the story above. Your answer is in that link above.

I think something as simple as a diary can start you off on the right way. if it is your family thats making you unhappy for whatever reason, talk to someone outside your family. Call up a specialist who is willing to talk to you on the phone. Discuss what you would like to do better in your life and find a new goal. Even if it's something simple like growing a plant. If you have nothing to live for you can still devote your life to caring for others. Put aside your own problems to focus on the people around you. You'll see you are not the only one having a hard time. Do fun things in life. Listen to mmusic, learn to play a new instrument, go on vacation, hang out with friends. Try o forget about the misery.

I have been through a lot in my life aswell. I've had incredibly hard times and I often forget my goals. But when i am feeling depressed or down I start thinking about people who live in worse conditions then me and still are happy.

Don't waste your life. If you have no goal, there are plenty to fight for. All you have to do is look around you and you'll see.

Good luck, I hope it all works out.

 

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