I'm 26 years old. Until last year I had never had a boyfriend and I had never been in a relationship. I thought that no one would ever love me or want to be with me. I thought I was ugly and I would never be good enough for anyone. Last year I started talking to a boy on Facebook. We became friends. We realised we had a few things in common and that we really liked each other. I had my problems. I self harmed, had depression an generalised anxiety disorder. He had his problems as well. He self harmed, he had attempted suicide several times, he had depression, ptsd, bpd and e.u.p.d and agrophobia. I was living in a shared house and working in a care for the elderly when we first meet. He was unemployed and living in a one bedroom flat. We exchanged phone numbers. We talked on the phone for hours every day for months. I travelled about 3 hours on the train to meet him. I had 4 days off work. I was meant to go and spend a few days with him, see how things went and then go home on my own. If things went badly I was going to never see him again, I was going to change my number, if things went well I was going to visit him again when I next had time off work. I had a fantastic time during the few days I spent at his house. He took me around the town. He brought me a teddy. He brought me meals. He kept kissing and cuddling me. He didnt drink much alochol. He would just have 4 cans of weak larger in the evening with his dinner and during whatever movie we were watching.
Because we got on so well when I was due to go home he said he wanted to come with me. He wanted to see where I lived and worked. He tells me now that he hated being there. He hated the shared house because he felt uncomfortable there. Said he felt like he couldn't even go to the bathroom because he wa scared he would bump into another person living in the house and he felt like he shouldn't be there. He did not tell me any of this until afterwards.
He hated it because he didn't know anyone there, he had no friends there. He says I should have introduced him to my friends. I didn't have many friends. Most of my friends I knew from work. I didn't mean to not introduce him to my friends but I thought when I am not at working I don't want to meet up with my friends I just want to go home and spend time alone with my boyfriend.
I worked full time. He tells me that he felt like we never spent any time together. I tried to spend as much time with him as I could. I worked 7am to 2pm on some shifts, he would walk me to work and at 2pm he would be waiting for me. He would walk me home, we would lay down and cuddle because I would be tired and then we would spend the evening and night together, other shifts I worked 2 to 9, sometimes I did a double shift. I was asked to work a double shift one day. I struggl to say no to people, I did the shift, he said he can't forgive me for doing it. My room in the shared house had a tv, radio, laptop, interet, microwave, fridge, kettle, food. I told him if it was the other way around I would have been okay with him working that long. I told him I would have walked him to work, went back, cleaned up, showered, went to the shop, preprared dinner and then I would have slept or watched t.v. He says he has spoke to a lot of people about me working a double shift and he tells me that everyone says I was in the wrong for working that shift.
While we were living there I noticed he was drinking more and more. He would pick me up at 9pm and he would have been a bit drink. We would go to the shop and he would buy more drinks. We would go home he would drink more and then just pass out.
We decided to move to where he was living because he had a flat and the rent there was cheaper. I gave notice to my landlord and my employer.
When we moved things changed. He tried to isolate me. He said I should not bother with my old friends. Said we should share a phone. Insisted that we were together 24/7/ He started drinking more.Started drinking stronger stuff. Started drinking in the morning. He was drunk all the time.
His health started getting bad. He started getting pins and needles in his feet and hands. He kept falling down. He kept going unconscious. I was always having to phone an ambulance for him. They said he possibly had perpherial neuropathy and he should be refered to neurology. They said it was caused by excess drinking. They wouldn't refer him while he was still drinking.
I love him a lot. I still care for him. We had a lot of good times. We had a lot of bad times. One minute he was nice to me and the next he wasn't. He says he doesn't mean what he says but the thing with that is does he also not mean the good stuf that he says to me.
There were times when he would get seizures as well. He would be in hospital every day. He was always tired. He never ate. He was dehydrated. Last time I saw him he was really thin, you can see his spine, he is pale, he ates about twice a week, he was drinking 60 units a day, he was full of bruises, he has no vitamins, he was taking strong pain killers, he never says he is in pain, but he kept saying he was in pain, doctors thought he had gallstones.
I had to leave him. I phoned him today and he was so confused. He was in hospital. He had over dosed. The hospital said the doctors were investigating why he was confused.
I worry is he confused from being drunk, from the overdose, has the acholol now caused long term damage, did he hit his head, does he have something wrong with him, I keep saying to myself maybe he didn't mean what he said maybe he really isn't well, I feel bad I am not there to look after him.