Drowning in Depression & Anxiety?

I have depression and anxiety and I think I'm bordering on agoraphobia. It just feels so overwhelming and I don't know how to make it stop.?

Everything feels like a chore. It takes days of pep-talking myself to shower or brush the knots out of my hair. My cat just puked in the floor and I cried because it's just one thing after another and I just don't want to deal with anything. I procrastinate everything from general self care to important things like schoolwork, and even things I want to enjoy like gardening or crafting. Things I used to enjoy I don't do because it just seems too difficult. I try to be responsible and figure things out but I can't remember how to flip bacon or make scrambled eggs without screw it up. My room is a mess and I've been told I display symptoms of a hoarder - I keep everything because it's sentimental and reminds me of a time when I was younger and happier.

I'm sixteen and while other kids are either already driving and working or planning to do so I can't even imagine myself doing it. When someone mentions driving or getting a job to me my initial reaction is to scoff because it just sounds so ridiculous, I can't even fathom the thought. I still feel like a twelve year old who just got asked if I'd like to take someone's car for a spin, not someone who is, by law, able to drive. I just got a bike and I ride it around in the driveway.?

I rarely leave the yard. It used to be because I've never had any friends or ways to get anywhere but now it's developed into borderline agoraphobia. The thought of going anywhere besides the grocery store (and even that is panic-attack inducing) seems impossible. Telling me to cross the street to get a ball is about equal to asking me to drive a car in reverse down the highway.

Out of nowhere I have unpleasant thoughts, especially about things I don't want or are irrational. One that's been reoccuring since I was eleven is "What if you're pregnant?" Even though I've always been a virgin. It's completely irrational and I know it is but I actually go into full blown panic attacks over it and twice I was so upset that I actually puked. Another is that I'm a murderer and just never knew it or something is physically wrong. These random thoughts will reoccur for a couple months and then stop only to be replaced by another. It hasn't happened for a while now but I'm sure it's coming. I'm also kind of mentally immature for my age - I can't sleep with any limbs hanging off the bed because I'm afraid something will reach up and grab me. I also sleep with the lights on because I'm afraid of the dark, and if I?have?to go through the house in the dark I'll run. A couple years ago when things were really bad I'd have anxiety attacks all night long, cry, and on a few occasions even wake up my mother out of fear that something was going to get me or was hiding in the shadows. Keep in mind I wasn't four or five when this happened, I was around twelve. That same summer I was lower than I've ever been and had suicidal thoughts but overcame that. I haven't been that bad since then but I'm always kind of afraid I will be. I've just learned to live with these constant abnormalities that have become part of my everyday existence. The other day I was watching Dr.Phil and when he was talking to a guest he said "I want you to get excited about your life!" and that's been my first real wakeup call in a while that I'm supposed to be happy about being alive, which I'm really not.

I don't have any real life friends but I talk to my best friend of three years online almost every day. (Please, no lectures about how this is unhealthy. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't still be here. And I'm positive I'm not being Catfished.) It's a wonder she even still likes me considering that I've just up and not been online for weeks at a time and unknowingly led her to believe I had killed myself or something had happened to me. I don't mean to, I would never want her to worry because of me, but when I get depressed I don't want to be around anyone and so I just shut myself off like a hermit. This is the only relationship I've maintained besides the one with my mother. I'm close to my brother but even that is strained due to my issues because I'm so awkward and concerned I'll be a goof.

I obviously need therapy but I'm afraid to do so for the same reason I refuse to go to the doctor. I'm always so afraid that they're gonna discover something is very seriously wrong with me that it just keeps me from going. My mother talked to a doctor for me and said if I came in and got an evaluation it was possible anti-depressants could help but my mom doesn't want me to take them because one of the side effects has caused people to kill themselves and I don't have the heart to tell her I've already seriously considered it at age twelve.

My feelings do sometimes change, like somedays I'm happy as a clam and laughing and others I just wake up hating everything. Sometimes I'll walk outside with unbrushed hair and in pajamas and not have a care in the world but just ten minutes ago I wasn't thinking and looked outside because I heard a car door with hair I haven't hardly brushed for three days, dirty clothes I haven't changed, and haven't showered. It was my dad and his coworker picking something up but they looked right at me and I feel humilated. That's just a one time thing but the point is my feelings fluctuate so wildly? If this was two days ago I might've just laughed it off and even made a joke about it but right now I kind of want to crawl in a hole.

Don't fret though, I'm honestly not suicidal right now. Like I said before, these have just become part of my everyday existence. Does anyone have any help or tips that can help me cope and get better?

Sounds like a classic case of Clinical Depressoion, totally treatable with medication.

"Talk Therapy" probably won't help. (Talk Therapy not helping is another indication it's a medical problem.)

It sounds like a biological thing, similar to what I had.

When considering the dangers of medication, also consider the dangers of not trying any medication.

My psychiatrist doctor, who's been doing this a long time, says she's never encountered a patient where antidepressant medication actually made them suicidal. She has encountered hundreds of patients where antidepressant medication cured them. I think it's a silly warning, as severely depressed patients are already at high risk for suicide. I suspect that's what the warning is really about.

Keep talking with your friends online. Any human contact that helps can be very benificial.

Here's an educational story that can educate your mother:
http://www.wingofmadness.com/depression-as-a-medical-illness-19

Antidepressant medication is the reason I'm totally fine and well and never think about depression or anxiety anymore. It's the only reason I'm still alive today.

Note:
Psychiatrist = doctor
Psychologist = Talk Therapist

Keep trying different medications until you find the one that works for you. After finding the medication that worked for me I just kept getting better and better for a full year until I was totally well. I realized, "Holy crap, is this what normal people feel like? No wonder they're not all jumping off bridges. This actually feels OK."

I did have to try a lot of different medications before finding the one that worked for me. I saw my psychiatrist every 2 weeks, reported on side effects, and how this pill wasn't working for me, that pill wasn't worknig for me, another pill had side effects; but we kept trying different meds, and I was surprised when we finally found the med that worked for me. It just worked and I could tell I was getting better. It pretty much saved my life.

You definitely have it. And it's completely treatable. Psychiatrists are doctors who specialize in treating this sort of thing. It's very common they see this sort of thing all the time. The success rate is high. Unfortunately it just takes a long time. You'll likely be eventually fine once you find the right medication that works for you.

Best wishes!

 

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