I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I feel stupid for coming here to complain about my problems. But I just don't know what to do. I've had depression for a while now,  I used to self harm for a year and a half until my mum found out and made me stop. She then made me go to counseling. I don't have such a bad life, I've not got very many friends which are girls as IM easily disliked, vive got my few best friends, vive got a boyfriend who I am in love with- maybe more in love than he is, and my parents are still together and happy but I don't get on with them. IM not happy, I have really horrible insecurities which are taking over me.  I don't feel good enough, and I don't think IM good enough, all I ever think about is being 'perfect'. I cannot think of any positives about myself. I hear voices in my head and they scare me, they tell me IM stupid, or IM ugly. I have a bit of a slut past which started because I was alone.. And it feels like IM constantly haunted by my past. People remind me everyday of something vive done, or they call me a slut or something like that and it hurts me a lot more than they think.  I don't know who I am, I hate being me. At a counseling session recently I told the councilor IM fine and gave them a 'positive' attitude to hope that I wont have to go anymore and they let me stop going, I keep telling everyone IM fine but IM not. I don't have anyone to talk to. Im too scared to talk to my mum because I don't want to hurt her anymore. And I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me anymore than they already are. My boyfriend doesn't understand, he doesn't like talking about me harming myself or feeling low. And my friends don't understand either; they think its an 'act; or just don't understand the mood IM feeling, all my friends have complete opposite personality of me. Which makes me feel even more alone. I just..  I feel so alone. I don't want to go back to counseling. Im not fine. But I don't want to feel like this anymore.

     You aren't alone. Just know that. It sounds like you have a very loving boyfriend (I wish I had that), great friends, and a concerned family.

     I know what it's like to dwell on past mistakes or insecurities but you have to realize that the past is something that you can NEVER change. You may feel like you don't know who you are because you are stuck trying to deal with the past while you are also trying to please your parents. You have to concentrate on yourself right now. 

     I didn't like talking to a counselor either, but I knew that things still had to change so I worked on myself, by myself. I picked up some new hobbies to keep me busy and I started writing down the way I was feeling just to get it all out. Remember, you arent alone and the longer you fake a positive attitude, the more time you are giving up on actually fixing your depression. Maybe you don't want to go back to counseling but you can start counseling yourself with helpful books. It sounds corny, but anything that can keep you busy and possibly help you find new ways of coping with the past and moving on can be helpful.

 

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