I don't know who I am anymore - someone help?

hi gurls

i wouldn't normally post something so personal on the Internet like this but I don't know where else to turn to. i feel like my whole life is just falling apart. I lost my grandmother recently- a huge bleed in her brain that the drs said they couldn't operate on. Everything happened so quickly. One minute she was there living and breathing and the next she was lying in a hospital bed, unresponsive. I come from a very small family and I watched us go through almost two weeks of pure agony. We lived at the hospital, didn't eat properly, didn't sleep; nothing felt real. Although her passing was peaceful its been so difficult to watch my grandfather go through all this pain. He absolutely adored her. Their love was exactly like the notebook! Even the ending was similar as my grandmother had also developed dementia ( but this was unrelated to her cause of death).  We were so close, she was like a second mother to me and now she's gone. 

 

Also around this time I met this new guy. I actually had been set up with him on a blind date by one of my friends and things we're looking good. We got along really well and I started to like him. Suddenly I found out about my grandmother. I thought because we didn't know each other very well that he'd probably just get up and leave. I didn't expect him to stick around, I mean we hardly knew each other. But he did. I'll never forget how much I relied on his support during that time. Just him sending me texts made my day just a little more bearable. He made me feel normal and like me again.

 

after she passed away, I thought I had accepted that things had changed. But I hadn't. Recently it really hit me. My work life has been terrible, I'm failing my degree at university because I can be motivated to do anything, apparently some friends have been saying things behind my back, I can't sleep and my emotions are all over the place. But this guy was the one thing that kept me going :) lately we've gotten closer and last night I really opened up to him which helped. And then he doesn't talk to me for awhile. Normally I wouldn't care that he didn't text me properly for one day, but I'm extra paranoid at the moment. He's really busy a lot so I don't get to see him as much as I would like. We recently became 'official' and I know that both of us have to adapt to being in a relationship. Both of us are 19 and its becoming serious. I just wish that he was there more because its what I need.

 

what I mean to say is.... When hes there I can feel like me again, along with when I'm hanging with friends or if I'm distracted. But when I'm on my own the horrible thoughts start. I don't know the difference between fantasy and reality. Nothing feels real, its even like this guy doesn'exist. I'm just expecting it all to be a bad dream and ill wake up and things will go back to normal. I'm scared to be on my own, I'm scared to sleep and I'm scared by what I'm feeling. I've never delt with grief like this before. I just don't know what to do. I sometimes look in the mirror and I don't recognise the person staring back at me. I feel like a stranger in my own mind. who am I?! 

 

I dont know if this was the right place to post this and I know it's really long but at least I managed to vent a bit. 

Psh, Right now you sound like you just really miss him.:/. Tell him you really miss him and everything, Im sure he will find time for you. Also, Sorry about your grandma, But what do you mean it doesnt feel real?:o I mean, You shouldnt rely on guys to be your life anyways.

 

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