Underneath a Smile is a Story Left Untold (My Story)

 

 

Do you see that picture above? Yeah, that's me. People wonder why I act the way I do. Maybe I act a little irrational at times, but I'm gonna tell you a little bit about myself so you can learn why I act the way I do. Have you ever heard of the phrase, "get to know somebody before you judge them?" You see, while I was in preschool, I was already learning the definition of mistrust and hurt. Betrayal and abuse. In preschool, I had this teacher. Her name was Ms. Montana. She appeared to be a nice young, mid-twenties, woman working at a preschool to work with little toddlers, like myself. But when it came to me, she had the sick desire to bruise me up. Pull my hair, grab at my arms and waist. Now, I don't remember EVERY detail because I was about three years old at the time, but my mom told me that she was giving me a bath one night and came across bruises that looked like fingers along my sides. I had told her that Ms. Montana was very rough with me and hurt me. A few weeks later, Child Services comes in and asks me questions about who touched me, who hurt me, who pulled my hair, who left the bruises. They ended up firing Mrs. Montana and suing her. No child wants to have Child Services to talk to them at an age like mine... I might have been three, but I still remember the lady sitting on my family room fouton. That's the EARLIEST memory I have. Sad, right?

As time went on, I was in fifth grade... I had many neighbors move in and out of the house next to me, but there was one in particular that had a boy about three years older than me. We were best friends. I actually developed a small crush on the kid. One day, I was over watching TV in his house and then he turned the lights off. I turned them back on. He turned them off. He had started telling me that things would be okay and to trust him. Funny word, trust is. I turned them back on and he grabbed my arm. I threw the closest thing to me at him and that's what enabled my first fist fight with a boy, much less my first fist fight. The punches didn't hurt the most. It was the fact that I trusted him and he was my best friend. I got away, eventually.

Then came eighth grade. I went to the mall with my mom one day so she could take back some purchases to Kohl's. She let me walk around and do my own thing. The mall isn't that big. I went there a thousand times before, back when going to the mall was cool. I walked by the food court and I see this kid Chris. Chris is about 7'0'' tall. He was 18. I was 14. He called me over and started telling me that he liked me. My initial reaction was bland. I wasn't interested in this kid. But then he took hold of my hand and told me that he wanted to show me how much he liked me. I refused and told him to let go, but his grip on my hand was stronger then I could slip out of. He started walking to the door that let out of the mall towards his car. My first attempt of a scream was silent. A silent scream. I hit his arm to weaken his grip on mine, until the mall cop came over. The mall cop and took Chris's hand away from me and asked if there was a problem. Chris denied everything and left the mall. Normally, by instinct, I would've told the cop what happened, but I was in shock. Thinking about all the cruel and inhumane things he'd do to me if it wasn't convenient for the cop to stop him. I couldn't speak one word.

Ninth grade: That was a harsh year for me. My dad had lost his job and two of my best friends died in a motor-vehicle accident. DUI. Mike & Andrew. Mike was my best friend. Andrew was my bestfriends brother. They were juniors at the time. Just when I thought nothing could get anymore depressing, I hung out with someone I liked at the time. His name was Jimmy. We went to his friends house and I went with a few of my friends, We watched tv and then we ended up going upstairs to the attic that had an old abandoned bed. The boys brought booze. They had other intentions in mind. I had told a friend that I was feeling uncomfortable and she said she was too. We started walking down the stairs getting ready to leave and Jimmy traps me in a corner and starts asking me why I'm leaving. He started rubbing my sides. Suddenly, I got that feeling that every girl gets when she knows she's in danger. I felt him undressing me with his eyes. My friend grabbed my arm and we left the house.

Tenth grade to Eleventh grade - I dated a lot. I got hurt a lot. Been cheated on, been dated as a joke, been dumped for weed. I was made to walk 10 miles home at 11pm at night because he wanted to get drunk. When I finally thought I found the right guy, I found out the hard way that he wasn't. He lived 8 hours away from me. Long distance? Yes. It lasted 2 years and two months. This has been my longest relationship. Two years and two months he knew that distance was going to be a problem. I made every effort to see him but he said he didn't want me to "waste my money". He made one attempt to see me and that's when we weren't even dating. I told him I'd buy him a webcam. Webcams cost only $10, but again he said no. "I don't want you to waste your money." ... I start getting this fishy feeling. Two months ago, I had lost a lot of respect for him. A lot of trust. A lot of faith. A lot of hope. I for sure thought I was in love, but now? I've lost that too. Things he said didn't match up. I found him lying to me about the most ridiculous stories. He had his friend he met off COD make a fake account to get information out of me. He specifically said he said certain things to "piss me off" or to "calm me down." He made me swear on my two friends grave that I wasn't cheating on him. He played with my head... Still does, but I'm in the process as of right now to get over him. What hurts the most is that I thought he was different then the rest. He had me decieved from day one. I trusted him.

-- 11th Grade -- I've been seeing a therapist to talk to my problems about and just when I thought things were getting better when I met him. Vinny. He was perfect, had almost everything a girl could ever want. Vinny and I had dated for an extensive amount of time, but then things started going down hill. I don't want to go into details, but a few months down the road, he ended up killing himself via overdose. I couldn't believe it because I was the only person in his life to ever be there for him and I had failed him. His father was abusive and his mother died a few months earlier because of cancer. I can't help but feel that I had failed Vinny. I couldn't help but think that it was my fault that he passed away... I miss you. Lord knows, you cannot be replaced.

Just when I thought things couldn't get too much worse, I was wrong... My parents signed for divorce back in February, three days after my birthday, and I didn't even know about it until recently. I won't really go into details about that either, but the house is currently on the market and living in the same house as my parents.. the tension is building. I've already had a lot of snapping points. They're increasingly worse as the time goes on. I hope our house sells soon. 

Later, I thought about killing myself. Life was hitting me harder then anything else ever has before. Main reason was that I found out my ex of two years was cheating on me with this other girl. I didn't want to go right home after school that day because I knew that if I found the opportunity to be alone, I'd do something insanely stupid. I went to a friends. But when I started missing home and just wanted to think, I went home. I cried on my way home. When I got home, I broke down hysterically and snapped rubber bands on my wrist for over an hour straight. Gave me welts. Then I cut. I have scars on my wrist and my arm now. I called my mom and told her I need help. She came home and she took me to the hospital and then they told me to schedule an appointment with a therapist that night. She asked me if I ever hurt myself. I lied. I don't want to be put into a psych ward. I don't want to be put on the seventh floor at my hospital. I'd go even more crazy. 
Not going to lie, coming back to school that Friday was... scary. Everyone knew I was in the hospital but no one knew why. When I came in, I felt like I was alone, the only one in the long hallway. I didn't speak to anyone. When people asked me if I was okay or asked me what happened, I said "It's a touchy subject." 

Everyday I deal with my lack of confidence. I'll write in my journal, words like: Pathetic, fat, ugly, useless, alone, depressed, etc. and that's exactly how I feel sometimes. I've trusted a lot of people in my life, but I can tell you there's only a good handful of people where they haven't done anything to hurt me yet. Very small handful. I don't know why, but I constantly stuck around the people who brought this negative aura around me. People that brought me down. I'm expecting a lot of negative feedback from all of this because telling people the truth can be such a double-standard. When I tell you the truth and what's bothering me, "it's only for attention." When I don't tell you what's bothering me, it's "you're being dramatic." This blog post is simply to help me get things off my chest. Who ever DOES read this though, congratulations. You've listened to all my problems. All my bull**bleep**. Probably wouldn't surprise you one bit if I told you I've had suicidal thoughts. I would tie a string around my neck, a blanket, anything, around my neck just to know what it felt like. I don't anymore, but what's the truth without giving you the full truth? But I guess the point or moral of this post - Could you really see all that by a picture?

Wow. Your totally right. Who could ever guess anything like that from a picture????. But Hun you are SO beautiful you should NEVER feel as though you arent. I've been through some things also. I was depressed for awhile, I started cutting/hurting myself. I thought I was over weight. But I turned my 

Life around. It's not easy, whatsoever. But if you have someone who is there for you always andchecks up on you, it helps. I understand that would be hard for you to REALLY trust anyone. :/ but life gets better, u just have to try to stay strong and move in the right direction. I'm glad you shared your story and let it all out. It helps. I'm proud of you. That couldn't have been easy.

Thank you for sharing and stay strong 

thank you so much for reading! and you're right. i think i did in fact find that someone :)

I'm so glad you found someone :) that's amazing to hear because it really helps. And your welcome for reading. Yourstory is a rough one, but great to know that onceyou have moved past it all, it's inspiring. It reminds me of a song called What I've Overcome by Fireflight. I know it's kind of odd to care abou someone you have never met, but I care and it makes me happy to know that you are moving forward and are getting better. But that's what this website is for. To vent and have a person who you don't know and doesn't know you, to read what you have to say and genuinely try to help.Again, thank you for sharing and 

~Stay Strong~ 

Read your story; all of it. Quite a life! Death really makes us think about life doesn't it? All I've learned so far is:

 

  1. Don't sunbathe under a cliff
  2. Don't step into a defective overcrowded elevator
  3. Don't marry someone you don't like

The first two someone died. The last one is just obvious.

 

There are nice people out there, like Vinny. I think you are one of them.

 

I bet a lot of people have stories similar to yours. Today at church the topic happened to be "Ego Stories and Soul Stories".

 

EGO STORIES:

  • are stories told for the sake of self-promotion, as when we apply for a job
  • focus on life's high spots when we have been successful & affirmed
  • try to portray us as in control or in charge of our lives
  • are often linear stories of continuity and consistency, stories that have a resolution
  • are highly crafted stories that leave out important things
  • may ignore or falsify certain information by "spinning" the facts
  • are always told in prose, and sometimes involve numbers
  • are stories that do not sustain us in times of suffering
  • are stories we tell at a party when someone asks, "What do you do?"

SOUL STORIES:

  • are "the story behind the ego story," the one with the thread of truth running through it
  • honor shadow as well as light, suffering as well as gladness
  • are often stories of twists & turns when our best-laid plans were undone by the unexpected
  • allow us to integrate the fragments with the whole
  • are unafraid of change, fear, loss, failure & shame, or mystery, passion & ecstasy
  • are sometimes told in poetry, musit, or art
  • are stories that we can hold onto in the hardest of times
  • are the stories that we want the people we love most to know
  • are the stories we are most likely to be reliving when we are awake at 3:00 AM or when we die

(from today's church bulletin)

 

I lived 3 months in a psych house. Not quite a psych ward at a hospital. It's an out patient live-in program. I liked it as I needed to get connected with peers and there were 12 of us there living in this huge Victorian house in a structured program.

 

Best thing I found was "process groups." Also known as "connection circles." Or the more old fashioned "support groups." I have no idea why they work. One time I was so upset I just needed someone to listen. I asked to talk to a staff person for 10 minutes and ended up talking for a whole hour. Afterwards I felt OK again. I went back and said, "Why do I feel all better? Nothing has changed in the last hour! All I did was whine, bitch, and complain for an hour, and all you did was listen. This doesn't make any sense." That's when I learned the power of listening, and being heard.

 

[Oh and medication is great! if you find the right one. I definitely needed it when I realized there really wasn't anything wrong with my life but I still felt horrible. The problem wasn't the picture I was seeing — the problem was with the camera! The problem was in me. Suddenly medication made a lot of sense.]

Oh, forgot to mention, nice picture! Yes I would never know.

 

Now reverse that. How many people do you know who look nice in a picture, and maybe they too put up the front of an Ego Story, but they actually have a Soul Story underneath untold?

 

Also "mistake" and "fault" only exist within the system that defines them. And they only exist in hindsight. At the time I'm sure you did everything the best way you knew how, based on what you knew at the time. With limited knowledge, and limited resources available, we all do what seems adequate at the time.

 

"Guilt" isn't about the past, it's about the future. To learn from the past we need to feel there's something to be learned. So evolution made us feel bad when things don't turn out the way we hoped they would. We go back and wonder, "What could I have done differently? What can I learn from this? If I ever find myself in a similar situation, is there any sign I could look for, is there anything I could do differently, would there be any sign I could look for that would clue me in that the outcome may be different from what I was expecting?" Guilt isn't about the past, it's about the future.

Holy **bleep**... what an eye-opener. Amazing story & amazing/beautiful girl. Honestly you're right. From the pictures most people would probably think the worst thing that's happened to you is a pet dying. It's nice to put on the "happy mask," but when you need to be in pain let it happen, or else it can cause serious emotional damage and numbing. You said you have seen therapists and that's great, you should continue to do so. I've always been the smiley girl but inside there was so much life experience and pain. Forcing a smile made it ten times worse. Glad to know there is someome else out there like me.

 

This will have me thinking for days... completely inspiring, thank you. :heart:

Thank you so much again :))

No, thank you for taking the time to read<3 it truely means a lot!

1. youre absolutely GORGEOUS!

2. I understand almost EVERYTHING ..

3. Im sorry you've been though so much

4. hospitals arent that bad...dont help at all though..

 

Wow.. I am a crying mess right now. You are so strong honey! And so soooo beautiful! Stay strong lovely xxxx

Wow. Who knew from that picture.

 

Stay strong, I'll pray that things get better each day for you hun.

 

Your gorgeous BTW!!

 

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