Depression/Anxiety I know whats wrong but for some reason I just can't control it.

I know that I am depressed and I know I have anxiety, and when I get upset, or anxious I am aware of my actions and I know I could potentially control them but when it comes down to the situation where I am freaking out I dismiss the fact that what I am doing is wrong and bad for me and do it anyways.

 

If you don't want to read my whole rant here lol cause it's long just scroll to the bottom so I can get some advice from you girls pretty please :) I've got some questions down there and it's short don't worry ;)!

 

For example (I'm just making a situation up):

My boyfriend will tell me he's going to call me or MSG me on FB at 6pm. And it doesn't happen.

This is what happens on my end:

Being the anxious person I am I will sit around watching the clock waiting and waiting for his MSG or his call like its the most important thing in the world. I'll even dismiss my studies or my personal needs to wait on him. While I'm waiting I get nervous, anxious, I shake my legs a lot and the second it hits 6 I am sitting there infront of the phone or computer. And there are plenty of times he'll forget, or make plans or call me later than expected and no matter what I do (even if I tell myself to 'relax, who cares, he'll call eventually. **bleep** happens and sometimes people get sidetracked') I will freak out on him when I finally get ahold of him.

It's **bleep**ty because I want to be the type of person who just doesn't care. Who is relaxed and chills out and when people forget to call or ditch on plans I just do something else or do something for myself. I know better than to get anxious over such stupid things I just don't know how to change it. Even though I am aware I still do this to myself. What is wrong with me? I am ruining our relationship doing things like this. 75% of our arguments are because I am self-concious and have extreme anxiety/depression. I've even hurt myself over him not coming home or not keeping a promise. I know it's bad but at the time when I am upset I see no other way. Now my friends and my boyfriends friends see me as a crazy biotch. And I'm not. They think I'm this controlling girlfriend, which is not who I really am. I was so much better before. I've had severe depression since I was 5 years old, but my anxiety attacks and 'controlling' behaviour started when I was 19. 

I've always had an issue with being self-concious and depressed (when I was 5 years old my father passed away, and from there on until I can remember I used to talk about "dying to spend time with daddy in heaven"). But I was never so **bleep**ed up when it came to anxiety and relationships. This is the only relationship I knowingly sabotage continously and its slowly falling apart. And honestly its the only relationship where I have felt comfortable, in love and happy with (asides from my other issues). This is an everyday occurance with me. Whether it be with my boyfriend, or my friends, or my family, anything.

The other day I went to an interview at this University that specializes in art and the whole time I was there I kept telling myself you suck, you're going to fail and I'm having a panic attack in the line to do the interviews. When I know just as well as any of my friends or family I am a really amazing artist. I keep pushing myself down and driving my self insane on purpose. I don't understand myself sometimes... and you would think that I would be able to understand my own mind considering I am the only one who can read it lol. 

Another factor in my anxiety/depression is I do drugs. Not a lot anymore, but I used to do them a lot between 16 and 20 (I go to raves and clubs a lot). And the drugs include ecstasy, mdma, coke, ketamine, alcohol, cigarettes (not really a drug lol), and occasionally weed. I'm thinking that could be part of the problem too?

 

I'm just not sure what to do. Do any of you girls have any advice on how to control your anxiety? (other than medication, I don't like to take prescriptions they mess with my body and make me feel "weird") Or coping methods like hobbies or something I could try out to keep my mind off of the time and issues? Maybe even some natural remedies for increasing seratonin levels lol? I don't know... I just can't bear to deal with this bull anymore and I can't let my anxiety get the best of me and ruin my relationship.

 

Sorry once again for the long post. I have a lot of issues apparently. But I know some of you girls don't mind reading over things :)


It's **bleep**ty because I want to be the type of person who just doesn't care. Who is relaxed and chills out and when people forget to call or ditch on plans I just do something else or do something for myself. I know better than to get anxious over such stupid things I just don't know how to change it. Even though I am aware I still do this to myself. What is wrong with me? I am ruining our relationship doing things like this. 75% of our arguments are because I am self-concious and have extreme anxiety/depression. I've even hurt myself over him not coming home or not keeping a promise. I know it's bad but at the time when I am upset I see no other way.

 

You see no other way to do what? I think the answer to your issue is staring you in the face: GO GET TREATED. You don't have to use medication, but you clearly cannot do this by yourself. 

 

Now my friends and my boyfriends friends see me as a crazy biotch. And I'm not. They think I'm this controlling girlfriend, which is not who I really am. I was so much better before. I've had severe depression since I was 5 years old, but my anxiety attacks and 'controlling' behaviour started when I was 19. 

 

But you are... 

He doesn't keep his promise down to the minute and you're going to hurt yourself over it. That's pretty controlling. You allow this all to control you and when you don't get your way exactly the way you want it, you freak out on your boyfriend. Depression/anxiety are explanations of your behavior, not excuses.  

 

I've always had an issue with being self-concious and depressed (when I was 5 years old my father passed away, and from there on until I can remember I used to talk about "dying to spend time with daddy in heaven"). But I was never so **bleep**ed up when it came to anxiety and relationships. This is the only relationship I knowingly sabotage continously and its slowly falling apart. And honestly its the only relationship where I have felt comfortable, in love and happy with (asides from my other issues). This is an everyday occurance with me. Whether it be with my boyfriend, or my friends, or my family, anything.

 

Have you ever been treated for depression before? If so, why did you stop?

 

Another factor in my anxiety/depression is I do drugs. Not a lot anymore, but I used to do them a lot between 16 and 20 (I go to raves and clubs a lot). And the drugs include ecstasy, mdma, coke, ketamine, alcohol, cigarettes (not really a drug lol), and occasionally weed. I'm thinking that could be part of the problem too?

 

Cigarettes are a drug. Your brain doesn't work correctly to begin with, and then you've added all sorts of chemicals to the mix that even further mess it up. Ecstasy and MDMA are the same thing, btw. You're mixing uppers, downers, and opiates...No wonder your brain doesn't know which way is up.

 

Stop using drugs. They're not helping you at all. Go get treated. A psychologist can help you find coping mechanisms and treat you as an individual. It's hard for me to give you advice on your anxiety, because anxiety is an irrational behavior but you're 100% aware that your anxiety is ridiculous...My advice would usually be to find something to ground you back in reality, but that doesn't seem to phase you. You're asking for things to use to pass the time, but you've also said that you'll ignore the things you already need to do.

 

Your depression and anxiety are long-standing problems, and I really think you'd benefit from professional help. Also, if you start taking care of your body, it may start to take better care of you. Don't underestimate the power of a balanced diet, good sleep, and exercise. All of those naturally increases serotonin.

 

 

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