Me. Plain and simple.

I was born with depression. Everyone in my family struggles with it. Now, don't think this is a happy story. It's not. I haven't reached my happy ending yet.

My depression has led to..

Trying to gain acceptance from boys. I can't even love myself, so i tried to find someone to do it for me. It was a failure and it only led to more problems

I started cutting. i scarred my body trying to feel better, trying to make myself the same on the outside that i felt on the inside.

I drank too, that only was good for a night and i haven't since i made an awful mistake.

It lead to me trying to find God, now don't get me wrong i believe in God, i just have a hard time believing he could EVER love me, i'm so messed up..

When that didn't immidiatly make me feel better i looked at myself long and hard and decided what i wanted to change, my body. I'm currently struggling with anorexia. I hate myself, i hate my body, i hate thinking like this
.


I can see my future, i can see myself sitting in a small apartment with some guy i met at a bar, skinny, and not able to get a job because i'm addicted to alcohol/drugs/ or just didn't make it through high school. I'm so scared.

 

I have one friend that i tell everything to, no matter what, she's a christian and seriously the most generous/nicest/most beautiful person i have ever met. Everyone ends up getting tired with my back-and-forths, where people think i'm fine for a while then i have a breakdown. People tell me to get over it, but not her. She want's to help me. And i want her to help me, but she doesn't ever understand that depression is addicting.


Am i the only one that finds this saddness so addicting? It scares me to what i'll turn into, but i know that if i'm always sad, nothing will knock me off my rocker, so to speak. It's like a security blanket.  I hate it, but i feel like i need it..

I was born with depression. Everyone in my family struggles with it. Now, don't think this is a happy story. It's not. I haven't reached my happy ending yet.

My depression has led to..

Trying to gain acceptance from boys. I can't even love myself, so i tried to find someone to do it for me. It was a failure and it only led to more problems

I started cutting. i scarred my body trying to feel better, trying to make myself the same on the outside that i felt on the inside.

I drank too, that only was good for a night and i haven't since i made an awful mistake.

It lead to me trying to find God, now don't get me wrong i believe in God, i just have a hard time believing he could EVER love me, i'm so messed up..

When that didn't immidiatly make me feel better i looked at myself long and hard and decided what i wanted to change, my body. I'm currently struggling with anorexia. I hate myself, i hate my body, i hate thinking like this

 

I've been there. Every single part of that actually. You're not alone in the least bit. The thing is, though, that depression is treatable. It is extremely rare to find someone who cannot be helped in one way or another. And if you don't believe God could love you, you clearly haven't spent much time looking at the Bible. The heroes of the Bible aren't the perfect people who had their **bleep** together. They were the corrupt tax collectors, the lowly people who thought they had been left behind and forgotten, the prostitutes, the criminals, the people struggling with some sort of medical condition who were deemed unworthy by others in their society. These are the people that God seeks out the most. 

 

“I am the gate for the sheep.” Jesus told the people. “The shepherd stands at the gate to the pasture. He knows which sheep are his own and lets his sheep pass through the gate. He keeps away all the wild animals that would hurt his animalsThe good shepherd does everything he can to take care of his sheep; he would even die to save them. And because the sheep are his, he does not run away when a wolf comes. He never leaves his sheep to be destroyed. I am the Good Shepherd. I know my sheep and my sheep know me. I lay down my life for the sheep so I can take it up again. This is something the Father lets me do.”

 

Jesus guards every single one of his sheep, whether they run away from him or whether they stay, whether they are perfect or troubled. Above all, no matter what you're going through, he will not abandon you. No matter what. 


I can see my future, i can see myself sitting in a small apartment with some guy i met at a bar, skinny, and not able to get a job because i'm addicted to alcohol/drugs/ or just didn't make it through high school. I'm so scared.

 

That doesn't have to be your future if you don't want it to be. Even dropping out of high school doesn't mean that your life is reduced to hopelessness. There are any number of things in life that you have no control over, such as your predisposition to Depression. What you do have control over is what you choose to do about it. You can let it control you and your life, and reduce you to this future that you think you're destined for. But let me tell you, there is no reason that you have to let yourself go down that road. Do what you can with what you have. YOU are the master of your destiny. Not some disorder.

 

I have one friend that i tell everything to, no matter what, she's a christian and seriously the most generous/nicest/most beautiful person i have ever met. Everyone ends up getting tired with my back-and-forths, where people think i'm fine for a while then i have a breakdown. People tell me to get over it, but not her. She want's to help me. And i want her to help me, but she doesn't ever understand that depression is addicting.

 

Those people just don't understand depression, and it's a different animal for every person. It wears down on you even more than it wears down on them. I believe that your friend is trying to do a beautiful thing for you and it's unbelievably selfless and heartwarming that she wants to help you, but I need you to understand that it may be outside her skillset. She may be able to comfort you when you need it, but she'll never be a cure. Depression, as I'm sure you know, isn't something you just "get over." 


Am i the only one that finds this saddness so addicting? It scares me to what i'll turn into, but i know that if i'm always sad, nothing will knock me off my rocker, so to speak. It's like a security blanket.  I hate it, but i feel like i need it..

 

I think you feel that way because you know what it's like to fall. It's a terrifying thing to know that once you find happiness, it can be taken away by your depression. You're right: it's like a security blanket. But I think that's a terrible thing, don't you? To be reduced to wishing for sadness forever, so that nothing can bring you further down? I don't think that's any way to live. I surely wouldnt want to live that way. 

What I think you need is professional help. This is something outside your friend's ability to help you with, and you clearly can't help yourself.  There are a number of effective medications and/or therapies that may be able to provide you with a sense of emotional security.

      You have been living with depression a long time, but it also sounds like you have a bit of anxiety. You are so worried about the future. Try concentrating on the present time. 

     Depression can be addicting. You get so used to constantly letting yourself down that you feel like no matter what you are going to fail anyways. However, when you think this way, you are only welcoming the bad things to happen. Start expecting the good things to happen. Nothing is ever perfect and thats what makes life life.

    I have made so many mistakes in my life and lost someone (probably a few people) that I really care about because of bad decisions and always expecting the worst. I craved the attention of everyone instead of just the people that I care about. Eventually it hits you that you really don't want this to keep happening. Get help for your depression, respect yourself (your mind, your heart, and your body), don't let people take advantage of you or tell you that you aren't good enough, and most importantly, be positive! Don't keep letting yourself down with low expectations.

     Try finding what you like about yourself and realize that at one point or another, everyone doubts their body or themselves. Know that you can grow comforable with the way you are and God made you that way so God will ALWAYS love you. Read a verse of the Bible sometimes (you can find inspirational ones on the Internet), it does help to know that no matter what, God is always there.

 

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment