Don't want to live but not suicidal

I don't want to live anymore, but I wouldn't kill myself, if that makes any sense. Everything I do seems completely pointless. I'm just a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the Universe, and I know that I will never do anything great and important on this Earth because I'm realistic. Even though I feel this way, it doesn't make me give up completely, like not talking to anybody or not doing my homework. I don't know, I'm not too good at explaining. But anyway, so yeah, I really don't want to live. I have no aspirations for anything; there is nothing I want to do with my future. I just want to not live because it would be a lot easier than living. But it's not like I would take a gun and shoot myself. I just wish I would never wake up or I would have a heart attack or something.

Does anyone feel this way? I can't really tell this to anyone because they will be convinced that I'm going to kill myself and then tell my parents or teachers and all that. I go to a therapist but I don't talk about it because I know it would make me cry and I hate crying and I wouldn't want to talk about it anyway.

I definitely understand where you are and have pretty much been there. I still am sort of there but I have a bit of a changed perspective on a few things now. I was depressed for a long time and then at a point where I called past depression. Though I wasn't necessarily suicidal as I wouldn't kill myself but I essentially didn't care if I died or not. 

I still think that when I am older like really older I might commit suicide but we would have to see as I don't even know how I would do it. I just really don't want to be old with a mind or body that doesn't work properly anymore stuck in a hospital or nursing home with no one that even cares about me etc. Though will see haha and if I told that to anyone in real life they would think I am crazy and worry about me.

I'm definitely a realistic person which I actually think is better than being pessimistic or optimistic. Right now I'm 20 years old, I dropped out of college, don't have a job and have never had a job but I am looking, and live at home with my parents and little sister. I don't have any plans really for my future. I'll likely get stuck in a low pay job and barely be able to pay anything but whatever.

Though these are the things that I believe vary between you and I. Yes we are only just small nothings compared to the universe and chances are we won't do anything great. But why let that bother you? I just see it as if it doesn't effect me in my life time then why should I care. We are given one life so why not live it out and see what happens. I mean I was even born with a genetic mutation that causes me to have gorlin syndrome which comes with a bunch of health problems. It's like yea this sucks that I have to deal with this in the only life I have but at the same time why let it bother. One day I go to the doctor and get skin cancer cut off my body and the next day and many other days after that I don't have to deal with it or think about it. Yea I don't get depressed that often anymore because that is how I started viewing life it is like well there is always tomorrow! Like lately I have been staying up till 4 am and sleeping till 2 pm which makes me kind of mad at myself but then I'm like well there is always tomorrow I can fix my sleeping schedule. Sure there won't always be a tomorrow but if you don't care about dying then it really makes no difference either way!

Also I like crying when my body wants to cry I let it even if I don't know why I'm crying. I  think it is very refreshing and cleansing feeling.

Also I love talking about things no matter what it is if someone asks and really wants to know I would tell them. So I would suggest to try talking to your therapist more. Getting things out there is another great way  to feel refreshed and clean etc. Even if you don't talk to someone else I would suggest otherwise getting it out there write it down on a piece of paper and read it to yourself or really think about it while you write it. Then if you have to get rid of the papers by burning them or shredding them etc. so you don't have to worry about someone else reading them then do that. I also think by getting rid of the papers in such a grand way is also pretty symbolic like you didn't only just get it out there and out of your head but then you got rid of it and let it all go away.

I hope this helped some what at least haha. If you want someone to talk to I don't mind. I'm not like an expert or anything and that is why I normally try and avoid talking on the Support & Recovery boards because I feel like I can't give sufficient enough advice. 

Thank you<3

Pretty much described my life. Its so hard being on that edge. I wish there was some advice I could give, but I'd just say that know youre not the only one. It does make sense and it sucks more the anything. But I understand and I guanrtee that other people here do aswell

"I really don't want to live. I have no aspirations for anything; there is nothing I want to do with my future. I just want to not live because it would be a lot easier than living. But it's not like I would take a gun and shoot myself. I just wish I would never wake up or I would have a heart attack or something."

 

That's exactly how I feel now. I feel like there's nothing else left. I keep feeling so incomplete like there's nothing out there that could ever satisfies me or could ever make me feel complete.

I completely understand what you are feeling. When I get depressed I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. I'm actually afriad of death. But life just hurts so much sometimes. No one really takes my depression seriously because I'm not suicidal, but just because I won't kill myself doesn't mean I'm ever in any less pain. You should talk to someone about it. I know you said you hate crying but sometimes you just have to- and then you might even feel a little better!

I know exactly what you mean. I feel this way quite often and in most cases I would give just the same explanation that you've given. BUT, because I already have some experience in this, I know that life is very very unpredictable, so it can change even tomorrow...or even in few hours. Our problem is we expect sustainable state of happiness throughout the life. The truth is that happiness can not sustain. Happiness is in moments. Things change. You can be happy and then things get worse at some moment. But just the same way things can be bad but then something good happens. You don't know what happens tomorrow, but that should be perceived as the best part of life, cuz tonight u can feel so miserable and tomorrow is suddenly awesome and u think to urself "how could i feel so miserable just hours ago?"PS: No, i am not a positive thinker, I am very realistic

Well just like every other comment on here, I agree with you and am in the exact same boat. It really sucks because you're kinda in a rut or an endless cycle of realistic depression. That's at least what I like to call it because it's not at an extreme level of depression where you've just given up on life and want to kill yourself but you're not satisfied with your life to say "you know what I'm ok I can keep going". The whole "I'm not going to make a difference in the world" is something I agree with because unless you're planning on becoming the next Oprah, it's probably not going to happen. But what I realized was that doesn't mean you can't make a difference in another person. By just joining a club, a sport, or volunteering for something, you're now affecting someone else. Get creative with what you love to do and don't be afraid to get out there. If you find that you LOVE ventriloquism, then get out there and be the next Jeff Dunham. By doing this it kinda helps with the whole there's no point to life because that now gives you something to look forward to. Basically what you're feeling and doing right now is making your life a living hell by not finding a purpose behind things. Not wanting to cry is completely normal, to a lot of people they see crying as a sign of weakness (which could be your case idk), but you have to put your emotions out there if you don't want to talk to your therapist about it. It could be by writing in a journal or even talking to yourself about it (which I find helps the best but that's because I'm a very verbal person) either way it's up to you. Please respond back if this helped at all but I do hope it kinda does. :)

i know where your'e talking about i have that feeling every day i hate it .i feel unwanted  but i don't want to kill myself it will kill my familie .i am hopeless and i am even scared of my thoughts .i am scared to talk with somebody about my thoughts . i hurts myself that i wish i get ride over by a car when i walk or that a suddenly get a heart attack . i dont want to live like this i just wnt to live a normale life like everybody els .

bear with me on this one. i agree with where everyones going dont get me wrong. im not suicidal at all!! i have an ok life.. its just i cant deal with life sometimes and it gets to the point where im just thinking "why was i even born?? who the hell wants to live life like this?" Its like, what did i do to deserve this? its not fair. THE POINT IS = i just wanna leave Earth. I dont want go suicide which is plain stupid but for some ppl thats their only way out.. i just want to get a heart attack or something, id feel bad for my family but man its just i dont wanna deal with life.

Keep hope that there are other ways out of this besides dying.

There are a lot of people out there who want to help but don't know how to help, and a few people who actually do know how to help. Probably people who've actually been through something similar are the ones who would understand the most. My experience is I'm surprised how many people have had similar issues, when I used to think my case was unique, or at least rare, maybe less than 0.1% of the population, but the actual number is probably 100 times higher, like 10% of the population.

I've SO been there. As far as not feeling important goes, don't minimalize yourself. It's not necessarily about making big changes in the world, but about doing little (but important) things for the people around you. 

When I was in the darkest part of my depression, it wasn't like I lost sight of the future. I would sit in my room and wonder what would happen to me if I just went and jumped out of the window, or if I was on the highway, what would happen if I just opened the car door...but I was realistic: I know that depression isn't permanent, and I know that I probably won't feel like this forever so it's not like I'm not going to plan on going to college or getting married eventually or whatever. It was more about how I literally wasn't sure if I could get out of bed tomorrow and be a functional human being. It was waking up with a panic attack, or literally feeling like I'm drowning in my life. I wasn't suicidal per se (despite the bizarre almost-fantasties I had). Ultimately, I decided that what I really wanted was to be sedated for a bit until life calmed down and I could revisit the issues when I was more in-control. 

Sometimes I still feel like that, and the answer is seriously that I wanted to be sedated. It doesn't quite work like that, though.

@HearMeRoar : You know what? Your situation is similar with me. I don't want to live but I don't want to commit suicide either. I don't want to get hurt when I die. Haha! You may think that I'm silly, but I just don't like to feel pain. I keep wishing that if I die... I don't want to wake up or I want to sleep forever like a dead person. I want to have a brain cancer but I won't tell it to my family members. I don't want to become a burden. So, as much as possible... If I get hurt I don't want them to know. I'm very emotional. I feel that I am a black sheep of my family. I don't intend to compare myself to other people. But, I feel that I'm very low... low... person. I don't want to become a person who's following around by orders/commands. I want to do things on my own will. However, there was a case that I couldn't bare it at all. It seems like I disgrace my family. I stained their efforts to have a clean name. Without any problems regarding with whom etc. I feel embarrassed and I want to die. I don't want to wake up anymore. The fate will never let me do it. It keeps me to live healthy everyday. I really want to die. I really do. No ones there for me, except myself. They don't understand me either. I am alone in this dark world. I am alone and I feel fine. I just want to end my life here on earth. So that, I will not ever do anything that can cause them harm or brought shame to my family. I really love them. That's why, I want to enjoy my world in the dark. Just, let me die. ?

I think this thread is close now. It was nice meeting you guys. ♥ I really love this thread. I want someone to talk to but not to talk about my flaws in life. I just want someone who could read this. Thank you for making this thread. I hope I can see you replies. ^_^ ♥?

I feel the same way. I am sad about many things that I can't change. The worst feeling is feeling helpless, ineffective, and hopeless. I have had past times of feeling like this and I am older now and I'm tired of the cycle. I don't plan to kill myself. I don't have the nerve and my family would be angry. Input I do think I would prefer if I would just not wake up. Then I could stop living and no one would fault me for being gone. I hate having to go o and pretend to be happy. Things won't change. I think it's sad that friends family and others would rather see you go on sad and hopeless than let you go.?

I feel the same way.? I dont want to live anymore either but I'm not suicidal, if that makes sense.? I have no desire to do anything here and I feel like for the most part, people suck.? I dont understand why I was put here in the first place, I am not like most other people.? I'm a very spiritual person and it feels like somehow I was brought to the wrong place.? I feel like theres no point to doing any of this mess other than to survive. This world sucks... our goverments dont give a crap about us, everything they tell us is a lie, they feed us fake food, give us fake news, take our money then allow companies to charge us for what should be free.? The people in this world are horrible and they're getting worse.? I am over it.? I'm over working my butt off only to be paid a fraction of what I need to be "comfortable". I dont have any aspirations or desires other than to leave this place.? I dont want to do any of this crap.? I just dont see the point in working to live, living to die, and having to kiss butt in order to do it.? I would prefer to go on to whats next.? I dont like it here, its not for me.? But I keep going because I have children.

I started to wonder if my kind existed, if other people were living with the pain of being alive in this form. It's so frustrating that when I've mentioned not wanting to live yet not going to kill myself, therapists are so suicide focused. I can't believe I found this thread and I signed up so I could ask you all. Do you experience or consider yourselves to be highly sensitive people? Do you have extreme empathy to the point where it's insufferable.
I feel like someone has given me a tranquilizer in life at a young age and I know mostly it's a coping mechansim to stress. My feelings of just existing started very young, age 9 and around 12/13 I was ready to die. My home environment wasn't a safe place neither were the people.
I convinced myself to see how the story played out and to be honest nothing much had changed, other than the people. Now I'm all grown up and pretty much alone. I always fantasized about having my own place, now it's a reality. That was my 'big dream'.
The most happiest time of my life where I didn't feel like this only lasted a yr (age 19). Then again later on I got a few days of contentment through connection with others. I had real friends again. (age 22). I always tend to live in the moment to push myself through the pain when I can. Not planning for the future or worrying about my lack of interest and lethargy which stops me from pursuing anything to term. Though now I'm here, beyond the depression. Halfway into my story.
I only know how to be young. I imagine if I were to make it into old age that I would be that fun old lady in colourful clothing, the eccentric who's wise and young, like I am now. Yet making it to 40 seems pretty dire. Not the age itself but getting through this life. It feels so excruciatingly?
long to me. While creative and often full of ideas, I'm not able to create. Very realistic as well. I don't agree to depression being a mental illness but rather a high dose of realism. It's like the small bit of insanity needed to get through this life is not there. I imagine that Psychopaths could relate on the mindfullness aspect, living in the now. They're not pulled down by the emotional strings. They're able to focus as well and I'm lacking a lot in that department. Seems like the world is designed for them. Then the normal empaths follow but the highly empathetic get labelled with mental disorders and pushed further away from connecting to themselves.
The stress that extremely high empaths suffer being in the presence of others or alive is ridiculous, it is for me anyway.

Not sure if you will be able to relate to the extreme hardship of emotional regulation as I suffer from. Though on the outside I appear very much together. Inside I feel dead, like I've been killed and waiting for someone to come collect the body. I worked through a job for 3 years. Intrigued many high profile people, including celebrities. Having interesting conversations. Now I'm unable to work because I can no longer regulate myself to put on that face to deal with people. I'm in dbt group therapy to try and become more functional again.
As dramatic as that can sound to some, it's an exact relay of what it's like.
A peer counselor offered the example of, 'walking around without skin'. Or maybe it was me, I can't recall. My short term memory is pretty poor now.?
It's like I'm missing that protective layer most people seem to have.
When I get emotions they don't seem to disipate, rather they go into the body. Sometimes they last forever. I realized long ago that most other people don't seem to relate to this at all. In arguments, my emotions linger longer.?
I can also read other people's emotions a lot easier than the average person. Non verbal cues. In situations evidence had come out in the future to back up my observations.
Feel like I've always just been an observer and when I do try and get involved, I feel like a fake.
Anyone here been diagnoses with BPD??
I feel like I also attract a lot of people with psychopathic traits because of all this? emotional vulnerbility. These kind of relationships while insightful will cause a deeper void. Even after the person is no longer around.
I also wonder if any of you have suffered abuse growing up or neglect where you felt like you grew up alone. Having been surrounded by people who put their issues onto you while you were still developing your own sense of self.? Feelings of abandonment and fearful of getting close to people. Though when I do risk it, it hurts too much.?
It's easier to be alone even though I can be very social.?
Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps people around me is that they find me attractive even mysterious.?
Someone told me that an ex (age of 19-21) died two months ago. He was a bit older then me. He was in his 30's. He contacted me a couple of years ago but he burned bridges with me back then. Years a go now. Trying to hook up with my friends and telling one of them the stuff I'd vented about which led to my best and only friend at the time cutting me off without explanation. Which I found brutal, since we'd been friends 3 years. Were together often. Years later I called her to ask her about it and she still wouldn't talk about it or tell me why she cut me off. I only wanted to know so I could work on it in the future. Never got to know, I thought I was a good friend to her.? I wondered what could be that bad. People vent sometimes. Anyway was weird. People don't seem to change much either. He died of a drug overdose. Hearing that was strange because he was the only person I shared memories with most those years. I've never been good at connecting with others in a way the relationship is solid. I guess I often am alone. Feel more lonely lately. No one really to talk to. I guess that's why I added the last bit of information. Maybe it can help someone else. Anyway you're not alone. I can't say it gets better but as long as you're alive you still get to experience things. The sun on your face on a cold day, or eating something amazing. Treating yourself or someone else to something to pass the time.?

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I feel the same. I got to that point, because I was not like that. I guess one thing came after another and it just accumulated inside all the pain, but I could never let it out properly because nobody would listen to me (in the sense of paying the right attention).
**note: I don't know why there are so many "?" between my sentences =(

HERE COMES THE STORY?----> (SKIP THIS PART IF YOU WANT) or because when I tried to speak with my mother she didn't want to know more details. Anyways, I can't count my family on this. They're big part of my current situation too. The thing is: time passed and they forgot already about all that, so they act like nothing happened, and well, because I'm an adult I gotta overcome it by myself and can't claim to anyone even if they were direct responsabile of my wound. The more time pass, the less opportunity I have to claim, and now seems just too late. Since is too late, I just cut off my ties with them, internally. I'm being false infront of them, they already think I'm a sad person which hurt me more because is not true, is not in my nature to be sad, I'm like that infront of them only. I finally have great friends who I can be myself and I'm always happy around them (too bad they live in another city). Basically, my family doesn't really know me, but that just because they never allow me to be myself. I can't stand them either, because all the bad things that happened, they just never talked it openly or face some stuff that happened internaly in the family, so they keep seeing each other but I can't stand the passive-agressive attitude of my older sister towards my mom, the hypocrite-selfish personality of my father, my intrusive middle sister and my 2 brothers in law who sexually harrased me in the past. <------END OF STORY

Basically, I'm alone in this world EVEN having a "family". What is a family? What is love? What is respect? Are things I don't know. They say they love you, but then they give you their back when you need them in critical "not-so-pretty" situations. What Am I suposed to do about it? Just keep treating them as my lovable family?
I'm looking for a job but in this condition seems like they realize of my true inner state and they don't call me after interviews (even when I try my best). So I have no money to scape from this enviroment. I'm not a false person and to pretend is really hard for me. I'm still here because I don't have what it takes to kill yourself, but most because it's not fair to hurt myself and my precious body which stand all this pain with me and I respect it because of that.

I think world and people IT IS unfair with some people more than others, and yeah, there are worse cases. Still, we all deserve respect for what we are. This is not a case of "I'm too sensitive so I got offended by your acting/saying", which is so convinient to say for those sons of bitches so they can have a free-card to say or do whatever they want. These cases are really about people hurting other and not recognizing it (is like commeting a crime and the guilty is not paying for it since it was not recognized that he/she commited a crime, is the same feeling isn't?).
And when it comes about children, sons and daughters, it's worse because they are defenceless and vulnerable, psychologically specially, because our position is not favorable. Isn't a shame? I'm aware of that and I don't wanna have children because I'm not prepared, but people have children without even think about that and look what they do... it's so easy to have kids when you don't assume your faults, your mistakes, don't say sorry.

I thought too that if I die under these conditions, it would be highly unfair. They will think I was a sad person with depression who kill herself because she couldn't find a job. They will keep on living without knowing they were responsable of my pain in a big part.

They say resentment and rage are only bad for the one who feels it, and it's true. How do you keep living leting behind a crime without the guilties taking responsability, specially after almost 10 years? I just use the analogy.

What I hate the most is that every member of the family lives in a world built by themselves, is not reality. They think?"how things should be" and not interact with how things are. I think that?destroys a family. What you guys think?

I've read all the threads and honestly, I feel the same. It's not that I don't have anyone to talk to. I have two amazing friends who will talk about their feeling and I always try my best to help them. But sometimes they ask why I don't tell them anything or they say sometimes they feel like I have so much to say but I don't say it. It's not that I don't trust them, I really do with all my heart, but whenever I'm close to telling them how I feel, I get all insecure and keep it to myself. I want to tell them, I always get thoughts that they might judge me, but then I know they won't, but still I can't seem to open up to them.I can't seem to open up to ANYONE. It's really difficult. And to make matters worse, I moved to a new school and my parents don't allow me to meet up with my friends so I can only contact them via texting. And I'm extremely anti-social, so I haven't made many friends, it will be occasional "hey" or "how were you class?". I feel worthless all the time, that thought never leaves my mind. I always think it's a waste of my parent's money and I think that it's being extremely ungrateful for what I have because people have it far off worse than me, but I wouldn't mind if they took my place and I would just not exist?

I always wake up and think, when I become an adult will I just end it? Nothing excites me anymore the way it used to. Having family issues also is one reason why I don't want my own family (and the fact that I don't like kids). My sister wants a family and everyone around me wants to be in a relationship. I always say I uninterested because I'm afraid that I might end up in an abusive or very toxic relationship. And my age is still pretty young to be in relationships.

I'm afraid that the four friends who I'm really close with will eventually get bored of me and leave me by myself. And they always ask how my friends are from my new school, I say they are good but I don't really have many friends. I'm not that interesting neither do I have something that would be interesting enough for a person to approach me. I am the worst friend, not that smart and very ungrateful. I sound like a horrible person. I'm also a hypocrite, I tell my friend that we can share anything because we will be there for each other, and I tell them if something bothers me I will tell them, but I don't.?

I don't want to kill myself at the moment, but I afraid I might in the future. I just don't want to exist, I want to be forgotten or replaced, People think I'm happy and all because I smile at them or whatever. But I wish I could get the confidence to talk to someone about it.

Someone else could be better off in my place rather than my ungrateful ass.

I have not read all of these posts, but I sometimes wish I could die??? I am 62 and just find life to be unworth living any more.??? I can't muster up the courage to commit suicide, not yet.?? My father killed himself 40 years ago so maybe some day I will get the courage.?? My son no longer communicates with us.?? I feel no connection with him any longer.??? We used to be very close until he? met a girl that I feel has poisoned his mind against us.??? He began dating her in secret, then told us he no longer had any time for us, then confessed their relationship and things have gone down hill from there.??? He now belongs to her world --he eloped wiyh her.??? There are complicating factors which we/I did not handle well about this relationship, but for him to dump us just seems wrong.??? he will not try to explain why he loves her, good things about her (he told us lots of negative things about her before he started dating her), what they have in common, what goals they have, etc.??? Just nothing.??? His father had an accident 3-1/2 months agoo.??? He has only initiated checking on him once in that time period.?? I just don't like him any more, but yet I love him if that makes any sense.??? He has threatened to leave us instead of trying to talk to us.???? He has said negative things aboug how we raiased hiim since he has known her.? Church friends and others who have seen our relationship with him tell us that what he says isn't true. ?? I realize that is their view from the outside. ? I have tried to honestly evaluate what we could have done to cause these accusations, but I don't find anything glaring.? No, we were perfect parents but I don't feel like we were tyrants either.? Some foolks say he wouold have been depressed and they don't feel he ever was. ? Anyway, I just feel there is no purpose in living any more.??? I wish I could move away from him but until my husband retires, we can't do so.??? It is better when I am away from him and my family..??? That is raunchy too.???? Two divorces, a sister who is crazy because of one of those divorces, the other one sticks her? nose into everyone else's business, etc.??? It is all just an absolute mess that I no longer want ot be a part of.???

But I can agree that I want to die but I probably don't have the courage to kill myself.??? I long to have a heart attack or be involved in an accident that would take my life.??? It makes total sense to me to fele that way bvecause I live it everry day.??? It does certainly suck.

Sorry for all the question marks in my previous post. I guess it didn't like how I typed.

 

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