Afraid

My ex was sexually,physical and emotionally abusive,he raped me at 19 and took my virginity, I stayed with him because I thought I had no choice after losing my virginity,just the sound of my cellphone ringing would scare me so bad I felt my heart would stop just thinking it was him.I recently meet a guy that's the first guy I`ve ever truly had feelings for and I told him some of what happened with my ex but...when he touches me or try's to lately I`ve been having flashbacks to my ex.To it got so bad that I punched him in the jaw and broke his back tooth in half,he kept saying it was okay and laughing it off but I feel so bad.he said it`s okay that I can take it out on him but I just can't so I`ve been holding it in but its starting to hurt I don`t know what to do with myself anymore,I go see a therapist at least once a week but she doesn't`t do anything but gives me pills and say the same crap over and over again (it you feel like your going to hurt yourself or someone go to the ER)

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I'm very glad you got out of that relationship! Your reactions to the guy in your life is totally understandable, and it sounds like he is trying to understand how you feel too, which is really great.

I've never been in a situation quite like this one, but I think the best you can do for yourself is maybe look at getting a new therapist. I've been seeing my therapist for over a month (anxiety disorder) and she has never even considered putting me on medication, she said she would only put me on it as a last resort. Point is, if you don't like your therapist, or feel like they aren't doing anything for you, look at getting a new one. Find one that makes you feel like they are trying to help you. These things take time to heal, so if the guy in your life is good enough for you, he will accept your boundaries and be patient. Only surround yourself with people who are supportive and rooting for you, anyone who doesn't, doesn't matter right now.  Best of luck to you!

You are so brave for everything you do. I think you should go to a new therapist. I have a therapist and she is amazing. Like my best friend. When you get a good therapist who knows how to help you; you'll feel safe. It will happen eventually. Unfortunatly, it will be so much harder to try and figure this out on yourself. Try a new therapist. You are very brave. Best of luck to you

I realy want to but because of my health insurance i can`t really choose another therapist for another 6 months

Bummer about the health insurance. I go to a place that is very inexpensive, and they charge on a sliding scale, because it's a place where they train new therapists. New therapists need to get in a certain number of hours (like a thousand or something) before they can be licensed to go off on their own, so they go to these places where you get to be their ginny pig, but actually they are quite good and it's real counseling and affordable. I've been going for several years and am quite pleased. Sorry I'm not sure what to Google to find such a place. I've just known about this place I go to and don't remember how I found out about it. Possibly if you just search you might find one.

 

Yea really sucks when the therapist doesn't have the answers or knowledge you need. I can throw out my miniscule knowledge on brain. The brain can slowly be changed. It's how we learn. We learn to be afraid when we've been in an abusive relationship for awhile. We can also learn to not be afraid but that takes a lot more time. The change happens slowly, but it can and eventually does happen.

 

Whatever you think of, that thought gets reinforced in your brain. If you think of fear, then fearful thoughts are reinforced in your brain and you become more fearful. If you think about peace and love and kindness and nice things like that, then those thoughts get reinforced in your brain. So one trick is to take 10 minutes out every day and spen that time thinking about nice thoughts, peace, love, kindness. You won't notice a change right away. But if you practise this for 3 months you should start to notice a change. Just activating those thoughts helps reinforce those thoughts, and that part of your brain will actually increase in size (MRI brain scan studies show this).

 

Another thing you can do is go to a loving church that preaches positive things each week. Now some churches are negative, preaching fear, hell fire and brimstone, and obedience to God or God will smite you, and those people eventually become more fearful because they get a sermon of fear each week. Not my cup of tea. Find a liberal church that preaches loving kindless each week so you get your dose of loving kindness thoughts each week, which reinforces those ideas in your brain and eventually you become a more kind and loving person who thinks about loving kindness more often.

 

So those are two ideas. A processing group can be wonderful if you can find one. Usually called support groups, but the point is if you can have a group of about 10 people, who sit in a circle and listen to each other tell their stories, there's some kind of magic about telling your story and being heard, it doesn't fix what's wrong, but it somehow makes the problem OK. You still have the problem but it's OK. Plus, you are helping others by listening attentively to their story. Don't try and fix anything, most problems can't be fixed, but they can be made OK to have, and you make it OK by listening to their story, and your problems become OK when you get a chance to tell others and they listen. Sometimes called Deep Listening.

 

A counselor can be helpful even if they're not very helpful at least they are someone who listens, and it structures your life to go see a counselor every week at the same time. But not all counselors are a good match. Your counselor may be perfect for someone else, but obviously not perfect for you.

 

One last trick that can help is meditation. I just learned about that a couple years ago. I always thought it was people sitting in lotus position, but no I was totally wrong about that. It's good mental hygine. We should all do it. (I should do it more than I do.) It's kind of related to sitting for 10 minutes thinking about positive kind loving thoughts, because each time you think a kind loving thought it reinforces that concept in your brain, and eventually over time, like over months, those thoughts will increase. And when you're done processing the bad relationship you had, that is, telling your story and being heard, then it can help to put aside that story and not bring it up so often, as bringing it up just reinforces those bad memories, though I'm kinda unclear on this one, because you don't want to bury those thoughts if they haven't been processed yet. Every time you recall a memory the memory gets rewritten. I read it in a Smithsonian magazine a couple years ago about PTSD. The trick is, recall the memory when you are relaxed, in a safe place, someone else there listening attentively, you recall the memory and it gets rewritten, and it's rewritten with less bad emotion attached. You still remember it, but it becomes OK. Yes it happened, but there's not as much emotional trauma attached to those memories anymore.

 

Plus not thinking about it helps the memory fade away. But as I'm obviously not a professional on this, I'm not clear on whether you should just not recall the memory, as memories that aren't recalled don't get reinforced and eventually fade away, or if you should recall the memory in a safe place where you feel calm and relaxed and safe, and the memory gets rewritten each time with less bad emotions attached. This is about the extent of my mediocre knowledge on brains. I'm not a brain scientist, I just read a lot of books. And I've had my share of trauma and recovery.

 

Oh there's a free book on meditation at:

Free audio (I haven't listened to it yet. Let me know if it's any good.)

http://spencersherman.com/id3.html

Free book (which I have read and it's pretty good)

http://spencersherman.com/id4.html

 

Take 10 minutes a day to just relax and be present in the moment.

 

Oh medication can help. I take medication but I have mental illness problems and I need it. With it I'm OK most of the time. There are two kinds of medication: antidepressants take 2 weeks to start working and fix whatever underlying brain chemistry problem there is. Anti-anxiety medications work right away and are sort of a band-aid fix; they help you get through the moment but they aren't a long term fix. But I like them because if I'm having a bad moment then a quck band-aid helper is exactly what I need. Then the antidepressants start working and I don't need the band-aid fix as much anymore. That's a whole nother topic. I'm just not anti-medication as some people are. I'm not pro "let's medicate everyone" either. Let's just medicate the ones who need it and can benefit from it. (Heck I was skeptical when I started. I said how can a small pill fix all my problems? I don't need a band-aid, I need all these life problems fixed! Then I finally realized the world can't possibly be as bad as I see it. The problem isn't with the picture I'm seeing, the problem is with the camera. I needed fixing. So I got some medication that fixed me and now I'm doing well.)

 

Best wishes. Change is slow, takes awhile, but definitely possible and likely.

thank you.i`ll try

 

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