how to end things... for good

(Warning: this is long. Feel free to skim read or whatever. I just felt like I couldn't leave certain parts out. I do thank you for reading, even if it isn't the whole thing.)


started dating this guy in high school. I noticed right away that he was more jealous than my ex had been, but I took it as a good sign, since my ex had cheated many times.


It was little things at first. He'd "suggest" that I wear large bandeau tops under all of my shirts, pulled up to my neck so I didn't look "slutty." He also freaked out when I dyed my hair. He told me not to, but I did it anyway. It was my hair, after all. I told him my friends liked it, and he then grew angry with me for "trusting them over him." He refused to speak to me for a bit, after I dyed it, and then, finally, told me he didn't know what I was expecting since he had already told me he wouldn't like it. He eventually apologized with a "I guess it's not that bad."


My friends slowly began to disappear from my life. He would never, ever want to spend time with them because they were "rude" to him or they "didn't like him." He was convinced all of my friends wanted us to break up, so he'd complain and complain and complain until the friendships would end. Still, any friend I make either "doesn't treat me right" or is a "slut" or a "bad influence," and even if he says it's alright if I spend time with them, he ends up calling/texting all night and growing infuriated if I am, for example, drunk. I am not to go to bars because that is where GUYS hang out. (And no other guy except him ever will want anything from me except sex). I can drink with friends, inside, but I am supposed to maintain a level of sobriety, that allows me to have deep and meaningful conversations with him when he calls at random. But he doesn't want to interfere with my night! He wants me to have a good time! He swears it.


He isn't really violent. I say this knowing that most people will disagree after the next paragraph. I don't believe he is that violent because he has told me he isn't violent. "You don't think I'm ABUSIVE, do you?" He'll often laugh, as though it is the most far-fetched thing in the entire world.


It started with him "accidentally" punching me in the mouth. He was trying to cover my mouth, apparently, so I'd shut up. I tried to leave the car we were in after that, and he dragged me back in, twisting my ankle kind of badly. (As bad as a twisted ankle can be.. which actually isn't very bad. It just hurt.) He started "jokingly" choking me at some point, and then tried to actually strangle me once. To prove that he could, he said. Because he was a bad person. He knew this, because that was how I made him feel with my "nagging." (Which I don't do.) He sprained my wrist once and gave me a brace, telling me I had carpal tunnel from using my laptop too much. He insisted I stop, even though I was using it for work. And we both knew he had injured me. He just wouldn't admit it. He shattered a light bulb in his place one night so it would be pitch black, and I wouldn't be able to collect my things and leave. One of those things happened to be my four week old kitten. I would have just left if it weren't for him, but I couldn't leave my cat. That same night, he sat in front of the door so it couldn't be opened, like my parents used to do when I was a kid trying to throw a temper tantrum. But I'm not a kid anymore. When I finally did get out, I ran out screaming, and he dragged me back in, throwing me and my cat across the room. He broke my bag so I couldn't easily throw it over my shoulder anymore. He hit me in the face "accidentally". He meant to push me. The same night he tried to strangle me, he also cut his own face. He also threatens to kill himself when I try to leave.


After the choking incident, he often "jokingly" chokes me still. It seems like a show of power to me. Or a threat, but maybe I'm too sensitive. He does it in front of people, and they always tell him to stop. They think he's taking it too far, but he just laughs and laughs. It's all just a big joke, but it reminds me of when he tried to kill me. Just because he could.


I am not allowed to bring up any violence. He has explicitly said so. "Do not ever bring that up. If you bring it up, I'm leaving." If I bring up the choking incident, he will scream in my face. Or, if we're in my car, as we often are, because he can't hold down a job to pay for gas, he will dive out of the moving vehicle and run off. He'll call me two minutes later to pick him up. The dramatic exit serves his purpose, I guess. He has told all of "our" friends (read- HIS friends, mine have all been chased off) that I hit him, that I scream at him and try to control him, and somehow talks them out of worrying about me. One night recently, they put me in a bathroom at a party we were at and two of them (guys) stood outside of the door to ensure he wouldn't get in and he physically fought them to open up the door and scream at me that if I would just talk to him it would all be okay. (He was angry at me that night because I went into a hot tub there and joked about taking off my clothes in a very sarcastic way because I didn't want to. I joked about this to a female. He insisted his male friends heard and were "turned on" however, so he was angry. It is also worth mentioning that he actually DID remove his own clothes in the hot tub in front of several females and I said nothing to him. It didn't bother me.)

When we break up, he starts his favorite routine of pill popping and binge drinking up again, and sleeps with dozens of girls. Some who are still in high school! His friends have told me that he is extremely cruel to these women, using them and ignoring them. Whatever. HE personally swears to me that he has only ever had consensual sex with me. That these women have all raped him because he was under the influence of oxy and alcohol (oh, and adderall) at the time. If I question it, I'm a terrible person. But the thing is, I have actually been raped. More than once. I know rape. And he's lying, and that really sucks. I'm not saying that a man can't be raped by a woman, but there are even times when he accidentally starts bragging about his "conquests" or talks about how great it is that he and some of his friends are "eskimo brothers" (they've both had sex with the same girl). He is clearly proud of this, but wants me to say nothing.


Me being raped was another issue at the beginning of our relationship because I "let" the guy do it, and I needed to be there for him because I had the support of the public (HA) and he had nothing. Apparently victim's significant others need jealousy counselling. I wasn't aware.


I have slept with people during the off periods. Not very many, but I have. When we get back together, he needs to know EVERY detail. And he begins by saying, "he raped you, right?" I will say no, and it'll get turned into "he took advantage of you, right?" As if it is entirely imposible that I might have sex with someone because I want to. He then goes off about how the guys "DID take advantage of" me because I was drunk. Even if I wasn't drunk. If I call him out on these delusions, he goes into a rage, telling me he didn't think I was "that kind of girl" or would "do that to him."


He joined the Navy. That means boot camp and then multiple schools, all very far away. I thought he would leave me alone for good. I was ecstatic. He said he couldn't have his phone, so I thought that meant he'd leave me alone. Wrong. He, not only gave me a huge speech about how I'm his girl and he'll love me forever even if I have to 'pretend' I don't love him briefly for my own benefit because admitting I loved him right before he left would 'destroy' me, BUT also writes me letters everyday and calls sporadically. Apparently calls are given for good behavior. I'm not to miss any of these calls, so I have to have my phone on me at all times.


Most people don't get it. I quit asking for help in real life a long time ago. If I told people I felt controlled by someone who was several states away, they'd probably just laugh. But I do! I really, really do.


I want to end it this "thing," which isn't really even anything, but I don't know how. He already threatened to show up at my parents' house again, and I swore to them that I stopped talking to him because they were worried. I don't want them to know that I lied. I say threatened, but he played it off as a joke. Of course.


I thought about writing him a letter to tell him I don't want to see him. But why? I don't need to justify it. I know that. I just am so scared about what happens when he comes back into town. I just want to ignore him, but it's been a month now, and he only has a month left. So he'll be back eventually, and he'll be angry. He'll probably go right to my parents'.


ANOTHER thing I forgot to note (I'm sorry!) is that the main issues I have are refusing to admit that it is abuse (he jokes about how absurd that is constantly, or gets infuriated when his friends 'get that impression') and feeling like I deserve it. Because, as a confused seventeen year old who was allowed to see only two people outside of her family (besides in school) I made a mistake. He only trusted me around his best friend, and I developed some type of one-sided emotional relationship with said friend. His friend and I also kissed, but never slept together. I feel horribly guilty, especially because I suspect he already knows, as he's often randomly come up with things like- "if I ever found out you cheated on me with ____, I would kill him. But first I'd torture him..." and then he goes into EXTREME detail about how. It's disgusting and disturbing, and I have no idea why he does that. Unless he knows and is trying to get it out of me. But considering how angry he gets, I doubt he could just keep his mouth shut about it all this time. Because it was a long time ago.

I know cheating doesn't mean I deserve abuse, especially when I only did it because I was looking for a way out of the abuse that I felt so trapped in. BUT, my brain insists that I do. Sometimes I want to confess because I doubt he'd ever forgive me, and I'm not really worried about him trying to kill me again, because at least then maybe somebody would believe me about how bad it is... I'm just worried about making his friend angry, because it would definetely ruin their friendship. They often refer to each other as "brothers" and are very, veryyy close. I also wouldn't want him to go after his friend because they've already been in physical fights because of me. His friend standing up for me or even mentioning me at the wrong time. He's given his friend a black eye before, and other unpleasant injuries. If I could verify that it wouldn't affect the friend, I'd confess, I think. To get him off my back. But part of me just thinks then, rather than devoting his life to trying to get me to love him again, he'd devote his life to revenge.

(I understand that 'devote his life' sounds... I don't know. But that is just how it feels to me. I'm not trying to say anything about myself in that.)


So this was terribly long. I just... if anyone read any of it... and can offer me help on how to end this before he returns from boot camp... that would be so so so nice.

Every time he calls he's mad that I haven't written him back yet, and I don't know how much longer I can draw it out. I just want to end this before it gets out of hand. I haven't written because he refers to me as "his girl" in all his letters and if I write back, it's affirming that and I don't want to.


Thank you.

You deserve someone better, and I know deep down inside you know that oo so you should get out of there! Pack and take things that you find most valueable and leave. Not only because he sounds abusive but he seems very unstable. Try to tell your parents if they are understandable and trustworthy about your situation and they can probably help but if you can't trust them then you ask some sort of family or an old friend to help you out with leaving and whatnot. And hopefully you can restart your life. I know it's harder than it sounds but hey all you need is some support and you can push through it. How long before he comes back? Have anyone you can trust? It's time for him to move out of your life. Keep in contact with me. I helped my sister through it and I know I can help you too. I don't want be too sympathetic and annoying but I'm here, my sister is here, right now she could have been emotionally dead but I was able to help and get rid of the life absorbing jerk. Keep me posted.   


as the other girl said, the best thing you can do is get out while he's gone. if you're worried about him coming after you, try moving back in with your parents or someone your own age so you don't have to deal with it alone if he ever showed up. considering the way he's treated you in the past, i would also consider getting an order of protection again him. if he has shown possessive behavior towards you, acted with aggression, and didn't allow you to leave, there's more than enough reason not to give him any reason or excuses to be able to get close to you. you deserve to be able to live your life the way you want and to be happy. i see a lot of girls who don't realize it and don't get out, and just keep allowing it to happen . . . it's not an easy decision to make honestly when it's so hard to get out, but stay strong, and i hope that everything works out for you :)


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