Just have to get it out today

It's been nearly six months since my abortion, and today I feel like shit.  I had a pill abortion in January.  I knew I was pregnant before I took the pregnancy test; I could just feel it. I bawled when it came out positive.  It took me two days to tell my boyfriend of two years, and I'd already scheduled the abortion before he knew what was going on.  I had to make a decision fast because they will not do pill abortions after you hit eight weeks here, and I was already almost seven weeks.  I don't know if I regret my abortion, but I regret how quickly I made the decision to have an abortion, telling myself that there was no way I could have a baby right now, due to my financial situation.  
I was recently talking to my mom about an old friend from high school being pregnant, and not knowing about my abortion, she said some things that devastated me.  "If you found out you were pregnant now, I would do anything I could to support you all, and you know your dad would, too.  Nobody's ever ready to have a baby, but you can always work things out."  She's right.  I could have worked things out.  All I want in the world is to have children, and yet I so easily got rid of mine.  My best friend, who had an abortion when we were in high school, told me she had never regretted her decision, and the one time I called her crying, she told me I had to "live with it" and ended up hanging up on me.  I know my boyfriend doesn't feel sad about it either.
Today I feel so sad.  I know several girls who are pregnant, one of whom is exactly as far along as I would be.  It's so hard to see their beautiful growing bellies and babies when I know I killed my own.  Before my abortion, I never looked at it as "killing" something, but I now feel as if that is exactly what I did.  I don't think this hurt will ever go away.
Did I do the right thing by not bringing my child into this world poor and living in a bad neighborhood?  Or was it selfish of me to decide I need to finish college before having a baby?  I will always wonder "what if."

Wondering if is so common it happens to me all the time. It kills me to go to work becuase i'm a nurse....in a NICU. Nobody is ever ready she is right about this but if you think about the parent you'll be able to be after making a huge life decision, finishing school, ect. Your brave and strong. 

Wow, thank you for sharing.

You'll make a good mom someday. You have the courage to make the hardest decision, and your feelings about it show me you care very much. The essential qualities a good mom needs.

I think it shows you care very much. You knew it wasn't the right time.

Sorry you're feeling so bad. Thank you for sharing.

Its clear how painful this whole ordeal has been for you. I think its very normal to wonder about "what ifs" to feel regret and guilt, and wish you had made another choice. It sounds like you did the very best that you could at the time, given the resources and support that you had. Your mom saying that to you sounds extremely hard, my mom actually said something similar to me after my abortion and it brought me a lot of guilt. Like I said, you didnt have all of this information at the time. Have you considered doing a ritual for the sense of loss you are feeling? For example, you could write your baby a letter. Having pregant people around cna be very triggering, make sure youre always checking in with yourself to make sure you arent crossing emotional boundaries for yourself. Also, you can always call Exhale if you ever need to talk about how youre feeling about your abortion- (888) 474-8149
<3- Kate

I wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who replied to this; you all are wonderful!  I have felt so much better with my decision as time has gone on.  Thank you!!

 

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