Something's wrong with me, I kind of know, but I don't know how to tell someone who cares about me.

Alright, let me start off this post with the fact that I do have a past of self harm and suicide attempts and I've been diagnosed with depression at 14, and got diagnosed with anxiety when I was a toddler or a tiny bit older than that. I've recently started to have detailed homicidal thoughts, suicidal thoughts, I want to cut, I want to stop eating. Some days I want to die, or I want others to die, and then other days I want both to happen, but the thing is; I know I could never pull it off. (Which is a good thing, I know.) My thoughts are scaring me. I know I'm not okay. I know I need to tell someone like my mom or my therapist, but I don't know how. I can't just openly be like "hey, I'm having homicidal and suicidal thoughts and I don't want to eat any more and I just want to cut." 
I know I could write these things down on paper and give a copy to my therapist and a copy to my mom, but I would just chicken out and never do it and just get worse and worse as time goes on. I know I could wait until I go to school and text my mom everything, but that seems even more weak than writing it down and telling her through a note.
Please help me.

Thank you ahead of time for your help and taking your time to read this.

Seriously you HAVE to tell your mum. I mean those thoughts are really horrible and dangerous. You need to get help and like you need it NOW, not tomorrow or next week. Those thoughts are something you can't handle by yourself. You need professional and qualified help.
Why can't you be like "hey, I'm having homicidal and suicidal thoughts and I don't want to eat any more and I just want to cut."? You have to get yourself together and ask for help. You could try https://www.beyondblue.org.au/?&gclid=COboudOY1cgCFUUrvQodq7YJMw It's an Australian site but it doesn't matter where you are in the world, you can talk to qualified people on there anytime.
I'm not suggesting you do that instead of telling your mum and therapist but it might help you in the meantime.

You have a therapist? A good therapist makes you comfortable talking with them and telling them everything, including these kinds of things.

Also I suggest go see your doctor. Thoughts this bad often indicate a medical problem.

Have you seen a psychiatrist doctor? They're the ones who specialize in this type of medical problem. (Psychologist = talk therapist; psychiatrist = doctor. They're both good to have.)

Also keep hope knowing it's likely fully treatable once you find the right medication. For me I just knew it was the right one after a few days. I just kept getting better and better, and that improvement continued for a full year, until I thought, "Is this what normal people feel like? No wonder they have it so easy."

Yes it works. But it doesn't work right away. It's a slow process. Now I just do maintenance therapy, groups and activities I enjoy to keep my life balanced, and take the medication combination that works for me. I hardly think of the medication anymore. I only notice it when I don't take it. Otherwise I'm fine. (I also think I deserve a medal for still being alive, because it was really hard.)

If you tell your therapist, be sure to include the part that you could never pull it off. Then she won't tell anyone. She'll only tell others if she thinks you're about to jump off a bridge right now and the only way to stop you is to tell others. Otherwise, as long as you include a comment that you're not about to do it right now, but the thoughts are there, she'll understand, and hopefully she'll suggest you go see your doctor. Regular doctors are becoming more knowledgeable about these kinds of problems because they are so common and there's a shortage of psychiatrist doctors, so the general purpose doctors are prescribing anti-depressants nowadays. 

Don't expect the first antidepressant you try to work. One often has to try several different ones, one at a time, until you find the one that works for you.

If several different antidepressants don't work, then the regular doctor will refer you to the specialist (psychiatrist doctor) who takes over the harder to treat cases. (Harder to treat doesn't mean impossible. It just means we need a doctor better skilled at guessing which medication to try next.)

Oh, my last question is, somewhere out there are a lot of people who actually know quite a lot about this type of clinical depression, either because it's their profession, or more likely because they have personal experience with it themselves (Often it's both. I've also been surprised to find out the percentage is quite high! It's so common!). Where should these people go so students like yourself can connect with them? Now that I've been through it myself, I know there are others at the high school who could really benefit from my knowledge and experience, but I've no idea who they are or where to find them. (My college already has set up an entire counseling department, as they know college students are very stressed, and they want to do something about that. My high school however, hasn't a clue.)

 

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