Been nearly two years since I miscarried

In march of 2012, I had turned 14 three months previously, and that day in March, I was raped by one of my best friend's exes (she and I are still friends, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding recently, though she doesn't know he raped me, just that he wanted to sleep with me). He didn't use any sort of protection, and so he got me pregnant. After he raped me, I got super depressed and went down some very dark holes. I didn't know I was pregnant, though if I had, I would've stayed as healthy as I could've. Because I'd gotten so depressed, I'd developed several very unhealthy habits, including drinking and not eating, though I had just gained weight over time. After about five months, one day I started bleeding, but I'd thought I was finally getting my period back (I hadn't had it since he raped me), but the blood had chunks in it and I had extremely painful cramps and this lasted for a few days, then I was over it. I didn't realize it until the next summer, but I had miscarried, and I know it's because is been so stressed and was treating myself terribly. It's been almost a year since I realized I miscarried, and everyday I miss my little girl (I feel like it would've been a girl), and she'd be around a year and a half now. Although I'm just 16 now, I wish I had my daughter, despite how she would've came about. She would've been my baby and I would've made sure she had the best life possible. I've since recovered from all my habits, but I haven't recovered from the loss of my child. Not a single day goes by where I don't think about here, but I know it's probably for the best I lost her. 

I really feel for you, being raped is awful enough and you could try talking to someone about that because that's a serious crime that can have awful effects. I'm 14 and can't imagine the shock of being pregnant now so you are incredibly brave and despite having those dark times, you've pulled through them and it has made you a stronger person now. As for your baby, you're always going to think of her and remember her so maybe you could (idk if your religious) light a candle for her or have a tree in her name or something to try and have closeur for the baby you never got to have. i'm sure you would've been a great mum and if you need someone to talk to, i'm here for you.


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